Friday, November 2, 2012

It's "Be Kind to a Menopausal Women day"!!!

Trust me - you'll all need some advice on this one when it happens to you -
I can tell you without a doubt I had no idea what to expect - other than hot flashes - so here's a little of my expertise on the subject - and some advice for husband's too.

There are days you're going to look in the mirror and want to cry uncontrollably at that ugly woman looking back at you - this WILL happen ( even if you're the most gorgeous woman on the planet - this will most definitely happen to you  )
Immediately get some drop cloths and cover every single mirror for a day or two - because for some sick reason on those particular days - when you can't believe who is staring back at you - you'll feel an uncontrollable urge to KEEP going back to the mirror in disbelief - if you are out on those days simply walk and stare at traffic - DO NOT window shop - because you'll risk the chance of seeing yourself in store windows. It helps if you're a DIY'er because we always have drop cloths laying around ( unless of course we've reupholstered everything in sight with them ) if you do not have any, Home Depot's are quite reasonable.
Advice for husband:
Tell her she's gorgeous.  Tell her it's all in her head.  Tell her you're still in awe of her beauty.
Repeat if necessary.

There are days when you will want to lash out at anybody and everybody that crosses your path - even nuns and priests and pastors - this WILL happen ( even if you're the sweetest woman on the planet - this will most definitely happen to you ) 
Lock every door that has access to the outside world - even if you have an uncontrollable urge to step outside - DON'T DO IT - this goes for the phone too - do. not. answer. it. when. it. rings.
These are the days when you must take a vow of silence - for yourself - but mostly for the rest of the world - they don't deserve it.
Advice for hubby:
Stay in the basement for as long as possible - and stay BUSY - this is not - I repeat NOT the time for her to catch you being idle.


There are days when you'll want to take your head and smash it repeatedly into the wall just because you can't find your tweezers to remove the hair growing on your chin. this WILL happen ( even if you feel you can't take pain at all - this will most definitely happen to you  ) 
Carry a pillow with you on those days, at all times.  Strap it to your forehead somehow. And by the way there's multiple reasons why you may want to smash your head into the wall - it's not always because of tweezers - so be alert to those reasons.
Advice for hubby:
Do not lay on all the pillows - leave one free. Always.


On the other hand there are days when you'll want to take the frying pan you're using to cook supper with and bring it down on your better half's head - this WILL happen to you ( even if you love cooking with a passion AND abhor violence ) just because he innocently asks " hmmm - smells good - what's for supper?"
EAT OUT - unless of course those days coincide with the " lashing out " days - then you HAVE to order in - 
but you must get out of the kitchen - immediately.
Advice for hubby:
Learn to cook.


There are days when you'll be soaking in the bath - and stare at disbelief at what has happened to your body.  This WILL happen - ( even if you were blessed with a Raquel Welch type of body ) when you'll be tempted to lift your leg out of the water and stare in horror at what has happened to your knees. ( and yes, knees WILL wrinkle ) 
Take showers for awhile
Advice to hubby:
Tell her how sexy her legs are - 
Ignore the hair.


And this goes with the above - there are days when you'll be moisturizing after your bath/shower and be mortified at what has happened to your skin. This WILL happen ( even if you were blessed with firm tight skin for most of your life - you're now in your 50's ) when you notice it moves just a little too much in your hands.
Do not moisturize that day - get out of the bathroom immediately - you may scratch yourself raw but you
won't die from it.
Advise to hubby:
Marvel at how her skin is still like a baby's
Caress it - you may scratch yourself raw from it but you won't die from it.


There are days when all you'll want to eat is chocolate - or chips - or ice cream - or cookies - or arsenic and for some reason those days will mostly always coincide with the days when you're most horrified by what has happened to your waist line. This WILL happen ( even for health nuts who would not touch any of that normally ) 
Eat any and all of it - 
You've earned it.
( except for the arsenic - you must definitely stay clear of that - it's far too bitter )
Advice for hubby:
Bring home chocolate. Keep extra in the trunk just in case.
There are days when you won't have a bra on and you'll have to run down the hall to get something ( the phone if it's not your vow of silence day ) and you'll hear a noise much like the clapping of hands.  It WILL happen (  even if they're itsy bitsy teeny weeny ones - they'll still hang low - and they'll wobble to and fro ) 
Always cross your arms in front of your chest tightly when running
Or always wear a bra - ( unless you don't mind the sound of applause )
Advice to hubby:
Whistle when it happens - a low wolf like whistle
Sound as genuine as possible

There are days when'll you'll wake up and your husband will say - I could barely sleep with  how loud you were snoring - do not call him a liar - even if you know without a doubt that you do not snore - because eventually you'll come to a point when a foreign noise in the night wakes you up - and you jump up in bed ready to nudge him to get him to roll over and realize that the NOISE HAS COME FROM YOU. This WILL happen - ( even though this takes a very long time to admit even to ourselves )
There is none - how many years has he woken you up with his nightly noises?
Payback's an itch sweetheart. Scratch it and live with it.
Advice to hubby:


There are days when you'll slip into a cute little black shift - and still feel sexy - do NOT get a mirror and stand in front of another mirror to get a rear view.......................because even if you're content with what you see overall - there'll be 2 elbows staring back at you that do not belong on your body. This WILL happen (even if you've lifted weights your entire life - elbows refuse to stay in shape - they're funny like that)
Stop staring looking at rear view reflections.  Just stop it from here on in.  If the front looks great then simply run with it.
DO NOT get your elbows tatooed - it will only draw attention to something you want to undermine
Advise to hubby:
Never, as long as you live, mention her elbows.

There are days when you won't be able to do anything with your hair at all - when you won't even remember how to manoeuvre a blow dryer - when your hair will be too limp or too greasy - or too straight or too curly or too long or too short - this WILL happen to you - in fact it'll even happen to Jennifer Aniston.
This is one of the easy ones - make a hairdresser your new BFF
Advice to hubby:
Tell her she looks younger with her hair like "that" - whatever "that" may be.


And this one is a HUGE one - there will be days when the sweat threatens to blind you as it drips into your eyes - when your glasses will slide off your nose - when your hands will be too clammy to hold anything.
This WILL happen ( even if you live in the North Pole in an igloo - with no fire going )
Have a portable fan ready at all times - have 2 or 3 of them actually in case one breaks - ALWAYS make sure you have back up on this.
Advice to hubby:
Cover yourself up like a cocoon when she opens the window in the middle of the winter because you'll risk getting pneumonia - but NEVER tell her she's wrong - or that the house is cold while she's in the midst of sweating.

There are days when your scale won't work - this happens quite a lot unfortunately to menopausal woman - it's erratic and all over the place from one day or one week to the next.  This WILL happen to you ( even if you've been a skinny b#%& all your life.
Throw it out - it's a piece of garbage - and it ALWAYS mistakenly adds pounds on to it for some reason.
Unless you can find one of these
Advice to hubby:
Mention at least once a week that it looks like she's losing weight.

And lastly, there are days when all of the above may happen in the span of 24 hours - DON'T PANIC.
Cover yourself from head to toe ( joggers and long sleeve t-shirt preferably ) cover the mirrors - get yourself some ice cream and chocolates - remember to strap the pillow to your forehead and lock yourself in the bathroom.
Advice to hubby:
Book a room for the night - it isn't safe for  you to stay home

And a few other tidbits:
 - If you haven't learned how to laugh at yourself yet - learn now- you are going to need to be able to do this.
 - Let yourself cry - it's a great moisturizer.
 - Have several pairs of reading glasses placed strategically around the house -
 - NEVER run out of Advil ( extra strength )
 - Do not walk into card stores for at least 2 years - you will find yourself crying uncontrollably over the sentiments.
 - Take guilt free naps whenever you need to.
 - Put yourself first - this won't be easy - in fact it's probably a complete foreign thought - but this may be the
first and last time in your life you'll be able to do so.  DO SO.
 - Stock up on Post It's - and write notes - lots of them - on every single thing you have to do each day -
if you run out of them - write on your hands ( if they're not too clammy ) if you have to   - but make notes.
 - Have at least a dozen spare keys made
 - Please please please learn how to forgive yourself - be kind to you - you're the only you you've got.
( and a lot of others are waiting around the corner for you to return to normal )

And trust me on this as well   
THIS TOO SHALL PASS.........................( or so they tell me ) 
oh and no matter how hard it may be?
be kind to menopausal women. ( they know not what they do ) 

P.S. a few people have asked me where I " found " the above - I wrote every single word because
I'm actually living every word and so if you would like to use it for any reason - I don't mind at all - but please put my blog as your source out of courtesy!
My words are my diamonds - I can lend them out - but I'm not giving them away......................too much time and effort goes into this :) and from what I hear there's a LOT of content theft going around in our little world.  I make sure to " source " images and or content ALWAYS - no matter how time consuming it may be. It's important, it's honest and it's the right thing to do..............................


Sweating my way over to the following parties!

I should be mopping the floor
Coastal Charm
PJH Designs
Kathe with an E
Home Stories A to Z
My Uncommon Slice of Suburbia
Kammy's Korner
Not Just a Housewife
A Diamond in the Stuff
Elizabeth & Co.
Uncommon Designs
Clean & Scentsible
Savvy Southern Style
In the Old Road
Adorned from Above
Have a daily cup with Mrs. Olson
Beyond the Picket Fence
Embracing Change
Katherine's Corner
At the Picket Fence
House TalkN

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Why is it called a coffee table?

Suzan says - I've always wondered why they call it a coffee table
John says - because it's a place to rest your coffee
Suzan says - I find that politically incorrect - by that reasoning it could be called a tea table

John says - Well that just doesn't sound right, does it?
Suzan says - because we been trained to say that - it wouldn't have sounded weird if it were always called a  tea table

John says - Well don't look at the British on this one - this is definitely a North American thing
Suzan says - Why? do they call it a tea table across the pond?
John says - No, but North Americans are the ones that go nuts over coffee
Suzan says - So are the British just wannabe's?  They stick to their ground on everything else - why don't they call it a Tea Table?

John says - Listen I don't care if they call it a Wine Table ok?  This is another ridiculous conversation
Suzan says - I like the sound of Wine Table
John says - Can I get back to my show please
Suzan says - That's our problem - we never TALK

Wine Table

Later on in bed

Suzan says - I wonder why men don't shave their armpits?
John says - Are you running out of conversations for your blog by any chance?
Suzan says - Do you actually think I repeat every word we speak? Pulease - give me a break!

Sorry no before photo - I know I had one - but I've spent far too much time looking for it - it was just your typical orangey brown wood

Have a wonderful day - and by the way I have a Whine Wine Table for sell if anyone is interested tee hee...............

Partying with!!!
Coastal Charm
The Rustic Pig
PJH Designs
Kathe with an E
Knick of Time
Homestories A to Z
Kammy's Korner
Primitive & Proper
The Ironstone Nest
Clean & Scentsible
Savvy Southern Style
DIY by Design
Domestically Speaking
Adorned from Above
52 Mantels
The Shabby Creek Cottage
Saving for 6
Beyond the Picket Fence
My Romantic Home