But this one is different.
This one brings me to my knees.
This one make me sob and howl and hurt with a pain so deep it threatens to make me physically ill.
My heart hurts -
My soul aches -
My fingers can barely type -
This one has me ready to come to a complete stop with Christmas decorating - the frivolity of it seems almost sacreligious -
This one froze on my tongue when I tried to tell John about it - weeping so hard he couldn't understand a word I was saying, leaving him yelling in panic
" WHAT IS IT - WHAT'S HAPPENED - IS EVERYONE OK ?"
Nodding my head - then quickly shaking my head before stammering out 27 dead John - 27 dead.
This one feels personal.
This one involves the epitome of innocence in a face off with the epitome of evil.
This one took the lives of children who probably still believed in Santa Claus.
This one leaves gifts under the tree with no one to open them.
You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry.........................
This one will affect an entire community where Carol's sister's child played with Ann's nephew
This one will never leave me - a complete stranger - never - not in my lifetime
This one is life changing. For those involved without a doubt, but for those of us on the outside as well.
This one will forever be the true Nightmare before Christmas.
This one will not be one that donating to charity will help our souls find comfort with.
This one leaves me questionning far too many things.
This one makes me, for the first time in my life - a very Canadian Liberal girl - who is anti - gun
re-evaluate my stance on them.
This one makes me know with all certainty that had I been there - and had I had a gun - I'd have used
it to the best of my abilities -
to kill that fucking deranged maniac.
I'm sorry if my language offends - and I may lose some followers over it
but this one leaves me with no social etiquette.
At. All.
In fact there's a whole lot of them on the tip of my tongue - I'd like to stand on rooftops and
scream that word out until it has completely left my body - instead I'll let only the one slip
out on my blog - where hopefully you will " get " it.
Be well - be strong. be safe.
John is mad that I swore on my blog - don't go there today John - not today.
It's not necessary Suzan.
Oh but it is John - for some sick strange reason - it's completely necessary for me to say that word.
And if anyone needs a place to swear today - this would be the place - for one day only.
I get it Suzan. I've been saying it in my head all day too. So hard to comprehend what would lead someone to harm such precious babes. So hard. Hugs to you friend :-)
ReplyDeleteIt's truly horrific. Thank you for this post - i think it's good for us all to talk about it
ReplyDeleteStacy
I am brought to my knees by this also. As I watch my Grandson play and think of the little one's gone because of this manic I too swear! Long, Loudly and Angrily! Ugly knows no end! I am in pain with you Suzan.
ReplyDeleteLinda
The ripple of this event is enormous. While every one of us would have taken out that bastard given the chance, it still begs the question how anyone should be allowed to own a handgun and automatic rifle. I'll bet those guns were obtained legally and quite easily. And that is where the whole thing is fucked up.
ReplyDeleteNow i've said it too. Tell John we all need the F word right now.
It is early morning here in Aust., so I have only briefly saw two mentions of this here on Blogs- I will go and check out the news and find out exactly what this is about- how awful!!!
ReplyDeleteJust checked it out- so shocking , so tragic.
DeleteWe have strict gun laws here and except for the shooting in Tasmania after which they made gun laws even stricter we haven't had anything like this. I know lunatics can still get their hands on guns but maybe it does stop them a bit.
Well today in particular I'm questioning that Deanne - I'm a mess - truly a big crying aching mess.
DeleteXOX
My heart and anger are with you....I cried so hard.....and my heart ached.....as I prepare to head to Florida and help my oldest child deliver her first born on Tuesday.....well, my emotions are rampant. I only pray for peace for these families......
ReplyDeletethis one in particular is just too big - too ugly - too devastating to absorb - I think we'll all be crying for a long time to come.
Deletebut new life?
beautiful - I'm so happy for you Deborah -
be safe
xxx
You've said everything I feel... I think we're all dropping a collective F-bomb.
ReplyDeleteHorrific, heart-wrenching.
Jenn
My husband (a news junky) sent me the simple email that read; Mass shooting in a elementary in Connecticut at a least 20 dead including a lot of elementary kids. Then, I had to turn around to the class and continue teaching. Very difficult to not break down in front of all of them. Beyond tragedy. Something has to be done. I understand your words and anger, they are coming form a good place.
ReplyDeleteSo sad.
Karen
They were just babies! I grew up in the woods and I know how to shoot. Up until 10 yrs ago I had two rifles in this house. I could and would use a gun to stop someone from murder. But, I got rid of mine and I'll take my chances so fewer maniacs can get their hands on firearms. My nephew died from a senseless act of gun violence and I know those families will never, never be the same! What a world this is Suzy. How do we change it?
ReplyDeleteHoney, I'm right there with you. Many of my non-homeschooling friends are now talking about homeschooling because of the tragedy today. The thing is, shootings happen everywhere, at schools, at movie theaters, at shopping malls. I do believe that if any of the workers in the front office had permits to carry weapons, and it was legal to have a weapon in the school, they may have stopped the shooter before he got any farther. My heart is heavy today.
ReplyDeleteIt's just terrible Suzan. No one can blame you for swearing. Sam thinks teachers should be armed. Maybe he's right.
ReplyDeleteI am pro gun. My first thought when I heard this was it is too bad someone in the office or one of the teachers didn't have a gun with them. I felt the same way after the Colorado movie massacre. If one person in that theater had a gun fewer people would have been killed by the gunman. It is unimaginable that this happened. My heart is broken. The "bad" guys will get guns no matter what. Thank goodness the rest of us can carry them to protect everyone else around us.
ReplyDeleteI hear you Suzanne. I would have done the same thing had I been there. The schools may have to think about arming themselves to save our precious children. I don't live that far from Newtown and our whole community is sending out prayers to those families. It is such a horrible act. God bless those little souls, their families and the administration who tried to save them.
ReplyDelete~Debra xxx
capers of the vintage vixens
The words fail us all... I didn't even light up my Christmas tree... it's staying dark tonight... I don't understand...I was at the animal shelter volunteering all day today, trying to do my bit of good in the world and came out and heard that this was going on in the meanwhile...
ReplyDeleteIt reminds me of the Montreal shootings so many years ago, also around Christmas, all these beautiful young women...
Swear all you want, Suzan, I know I did... Don't know if I am pro-gun or anti-gun at a time like this...so much destruction, it's incomprehensible and inconceivable. What a sick, sick mind.
Let's all hug our loved ones tonight.
I cry with you, Suzan. Imagine sending your child to school and them not coming home, ever again. So terribly sad.
ReplyDeleteI share the the sense of futility to help those affected by this terrible tragedy. I was struck by the many news anchors asking if this is the new normal for us to accept. I think this is not about gun control, but the mental health system failing in so many ways. I am sure we will find out that the gunman had some sort of breakdown. He killed his mother at the home they shared, took her guns, and went to the school to shoot her students.
ReplyDeleteTonight I have lit the candles in my windows. As a former teacher, I am saying blessings for those teachers who protected their students and got them to the safety of their parents' loving arms.
I have screamed obscenities, cried all of my tears, and now is the time for prayers.
My heart hurts. I simply cannot comprehend what has happened today. Dear Lord, how will those families ever survive this??????!!
ReplyDeleteI don't know what the answer/solution is to this type of madness. I'm not crazy about guns, but I don't believe that making guns illegal is the answer (somehow the bad guys can still always get them). I STRONGLY believe that the U.S. needs to have much stricter gun control...what happened to the waiting periods (the so-called "cooling off" period)???! I don't give a damn about your/anyone's constitutional right "to bear arms"...LIMIT how many guns any one person can have registered...& go back to REQUIRING ALL guns to be registered!!!! LIMIT how much ammo someone can buy during a period of time (sure, if they're a maniac they can stockpile it till they have enough to do what they want to do, but, this would sure the hell slow 'em down!!!!!). Make us REGISTER our ammo! Every single one of the guns & ammo used by the Colorado Theater madman were obtained legally...& I believe all within a 6 month period of time...WTF????????!!!! WHY shouldn't this send up a huge RED FLAG to SOMEBODY/SOME AGENCY???????????!!! Maybe we need to crack down on our "home-grown terrorists" & let the other countries worry about their own for awhile! Maybe if we weren't so concerned about what that guy's doing to that guy over there...maybe our babies wouldn't be dying at SCHOOL!!!!! We need to FOCUS on our own problems & quit trying to fix everybody else!
Maybe you can't completely eliminate this type of madness from happening, but there ARE ways to reduce the number of occurences! Unfortunately, our politicians are so indebted to the lobbyists & so afraid of stepping on anyone's toes that they won't do what needs to be done! Since we've just had a big election, you'd think they would find it a little easier to Man-Up & make some obviously much-needed changes!!!
I also don't think that giving everyone a gun and/or our new "easier to obtain" permits to carry concealed weapons is the answer either. I don't want every person/idiot that I encounter in public to be armed with a deadly weapon!!! And, while every single one of us would want to do what we could to stop someone like this "person" (or the CO theater lunatic)...our laws & "justice" system are so warped that YOU and/or I would be likely to be brought up on some type of charges if we DID do something (& likely from the madman himself!!!!!)! And, God forbid, we hurt another innocent person in our attempt to hurt the crazy person!!! No, I don't think this is the answer/solution either.
I don't know what the answer is, but I do know that something NEEDS to be done. And NOW!! The regularity of these nightmares is increasing and good, decent people should not have to be afraid to go see a movie...go shopping at a mall...or send their babies to school...it simply should not happen!!!
This particular situation is going to start a movement - without a doubt - this one is just too much to put under a rug.............
DeleteI don't know what the answers are either but this is THE wake up call that things need to done - NOW - like you say,
XXX
It is truly incomprehensible - not knowing what to do, what to say, feeling so very helpless and just not understanding how these things can happen. Thank you for writing something - so many of us not knowing how to put it into words. Life is so very precious and so fragile too.
ReplyDeleteOh Dawn this one is just too much, right?
DeleteHugs to you
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteSo right there with you, all of what you said...like 9-11 over again with a numb feeling, and no way to understand it. And the local news goes on to local stories after this story....it seems like the whole country should be mourning and nothing makes sense.
ReplyDeleteThanks for stating what we all are feeling.
Why doesn't the world stop when these things happen? How can people just continue like everything is normal??? It's not normal, damn it! This senseless act of violence has ripped my heart wide open. I cannot even begin to comprehend the devastation felt by these families and the community. I really can't...my mind just can't do it. I'm not different than anyone else but I'm totally different tonight.
ReplyDeleteYou can say anything you want to my dear friend. This is your blog and you are sharing from your heart. I would definitely have used a weapon against this monster had I been able to. That's not the Christian way...it's my way and I realize it's not what God would have us do or even think about doing.
I want to have all children and teenagers like my grands wrapped in protective bubbles where no evil can get through to them, by word or deed. I so wish this were possible. It's even an incredible thought that I would have...we live in a world that is evidently on its axis and evil and violence are everywhere now. What happened to the kinder, gentler times? How can we make a positive difference??
We must show love to everyone I think. We must share smiles, kind words and deeds. We must be aware and not in avoidance or hiding...hiding our selves and our families from who knows what? If we live in fear, "they" win! The crazies, the mentally disturbed, the terrorists ~ all of them win.
I'm rambling so I will stop. Thank you dear one for being real, for being honest and for being my friend.
Love to you,
Pat
Horrible sad and tragic day. I don't know what the world is coming to. Sending you hugs XOXO
ReplyDeleteAmen. My husband and I both wish someone could have stopped that kid and if took another gun so be it.
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh, I was reading about it, and I started to cry and had to quit. I couldn't go back and read it until late last night, and even then I wouldn't look at the pictures. It's beyond horrible, and though it's unthinkable, unfathomable that one person ever could do such a thing, we now we have to worry there might be someone else who would copycat. My heart aches for every person involved. It's beyond tragic. :(
ReplyDeleteI am crying again reading your post because the horror is just too great for words...and yet you found some that work- xo Diana
ReplyDeleteSuzan, I believe you have expressed what most of us are feeling. It makes me so sad to think innocent children are not safe in our schools. My heart breaks for the parents that showed up to pick up their children, and were told of their death. I have been praying non stop for these families, my heart goes out to them. Words cannot even express the sadness and sense of loss the world is feeling today. More needs to be done to protect our children. I believe that gun control is desperately needed in this country, and most of all mental health awareness. This was an extremely sick person. This has to stop.
ReplyDeleteThis has got to get people thinking about gun laws. I just don't get it. How can people not consider this tragedy as the final straw. I think the world stood still yesterday, jaws dropped and tears were shed by people everywhere across the globe. This should not have happened, and cannot happen again. I have tried to imagine what it is like for those families yesterday and today but I know I never will. Sad. It is just too sad and oh so wrong.
ReplyDeleteWell, you were right, we are soul sisters! I posted about this senseless violence too. It broke my heart and made me want to hug my babies extra tight.
ReplyDeleteI just don't understand.
xoxo-
Sarah
www.enjoyingtheepiphany.com
I think our president looked 20 years older yesterday when he spoke. He ran originally on a platform of change--I want him to change this. This is not the time for people to fall back on their politics--we as a people have to explore EVERY option to stop this madness. It is happening too much in our country.
ReplyDeleteThere was another shooting this morning at a hospital in Birmingham AL---3 people killed. It's too much.
I think this in going to be the one to change laws............First of all nobody needs a semi automatic - this is beyond comprehension - and more thorough checks have to be done on people when purchasing firearms - without a doubt the laws are too lax
DeleteAnd mental health care issues have to be addressed more stringently.
I don't think anyone is dead except for the shooter in Birmingham - thank God.
XOX
I get it....
ReplyDeletethank you
DeleteXXX
I work at a rod and gun club in the DC area. Today a father (non-member) brought his 4 little children (probably ages from 10 down) in. He asked where he could get them lessons in shooting.
ReplyDeleteIt made me wonder if he is thinking of equipping them for the world that is out there?
I am not for gun control, although I know that something has to be done. Maybe armed guards in the schools, off duty police officers? Here we are stopped at a desk in the lobby of the school. ID is checked. You can't get any further with out permission. At least, there would be time to alert the office so they could ring an evacuation bell or something.
My own son and many friends have been sport shooting and hunting since they were about 8 years old. They all now have concealed carry permits. There is no question in my mind that if they had been in the movie theatre, the temple, Virginia Tech or Sandy Hook, they would have shot the crazy deranged maniacs and might have died themselves trying.
I don't mind your language at all. I heard the same last night from my hubby. What has bothered me most today is looking into the very blue eyes of two little children who were ordering lunch from me. I'll be praying about this for a very long time. Virginia has not healed in the years since Va. Tech. Is there healing from something like this?
But don't you think we're regressing as a society? it's going to be like the wild west - where everyone has to wear a concealed weapon when going to the movies, just in case. Children carrying concealed weapons scares me more than I can tell you - they don't have the logic or the wherewithal to deal with this type of thing.
DeleteAnother thing is all of these violent video games should be taken off the market. TODAY. Ban every last one of them. I think playing them over and over desensitizes children to violence - it's just another step in a game.
Could this be the missing link to all of these Mental Health Care issues running rampant, WHY are there seemingly so many more people afflicted with Bi Polar and other mind diseases? Because at the end of the day it is not normal sane people running around killing people.
I do believe that safer gun measures have to be taken - I don't believe households need to be equipped with semi automatics either by the way - these belong in the hands of law enforcement or militia only. Better, more stringent background checks need to be done as well - and families who own guns - and who have mentally unstable family members - need to make sure these are locked away for safe measure.
Having said all that - mental health care has to be addressed foremost - definitely.
XOX
The names are now listed and not one child over the age of 7 so yes, they believed in Santa Claus. A shooting in a hospital in Birmingham took 3 lives today... An obese death row inmate was granted life instead of death because he was too fat to receive his sentence of death. What is wrong with our world?
ReplyDeleteWe watch heart warming movies like Miracle on 34th Street and it's a Wonderful Life at this time of year. Those were the days when doors could be left unlocked, children were safe playing outside all day.
Gun control is not the answer because those who want guns will get guns. Death for those who take a life should be quick and swift, a thief should lose a hand, punishment for pedophiles and rapist should be instant death. These things should happen only after a fair trail of course - I'm not advocating taking justice into our own hands. Harsh, I know but treating them to 3 squares a day, a bed, TV, a heated and cool facility and all on our dime and leaving the homeless hungry and cold is not right.
Consequences for actions would get attention. I know this isn't an answer but it could be a start.
Unfortunately the names of those little children will never be remembered - only the name of the killer.
We also need prayer and discipline back in our schools. We live in a society of self thinking privilege and a me, me, me attitude - we taught our children all those things when we took away consequences for their actions. I hope I didn't offend anyone.
Maybe we should all agree to shut off our lights at the same time for about an hour and let the world go dark. If we band together our voices will be heard.
Hi Carolyn - The blog world is going silent this tuesday to support Sandy Hook - just so you know -
DeleteAnd I do believe that collectively we can make change - there's just so many differences on how to do that..............
In these particular cases the killers usually don't survive so the death penalty becomes a moot subject, right? Somehow mental health care has to be addressed - these actions have to be stopped before they happen.
See my reply to Chubmoma above -
I know that it seems all that much worse because of the Christmas Season - ( I can barely continue decorating - santa claus - etc, ) but really this is as horrific as it gets regardless of the season.
Hugs to you my friend................
I guess I should have said that my son and his friends are adults now, all in their 30's.
DeleteAnd yes, there are some areas that are like the wild west. The DC area can be pretty bad with the Virginia/Maryland suburbs being no better.
I totally agree about the violent games. They should be banned. Violent games and movies were banned in our home many years ago. Everyone still managed to have fun and do normal activities without them.
Suzan, I will not quit reading your blog just because you told it how you feel it. I'll bet that's why most of us love your blog. I don't swear, but yesterday I was thinking that direction. Sometimes you need "that" word to give something more meaning. Tell John we're on your side today.
ReplyDeleteIt is all too much to wrap our minds around. Too inconceivable to believe that this could happen to children. I laughed at something earlier, then felt horrible for doing so. I quickly remembered why it was so hard to act normal today.
thank you for always sharing your true thoughts, Suzan.
I think the whole world is sharing your hurt and anger Suzan, my heart aches for the parents and the families of all involved. I have cried for the little ones and I pray they did not suffer and I have cried for the heroes that sacrificed their own lives to save others. My children and grandbabies are all far away and all I want to do is hold them and see their faces. I too wondered today how the world could keep going on after all of this. I do not know how we prevent this from happening, stricter gun controls, yes, armed security in schools, yes, death penalty maybe, but what else can we do. I do not know, all i know is we need to do something so this never happens again.
ReplyDeleteI share in the heartache, the grief-so tragic. Suzan, your post is both powerful and touching.
ReplyDeleteYou took the word(s)right out of my mouth! Tell John, you have every right to use the f-word! This event hits me hard. I taught Kindergarten for 23 years....those babies.....:(
ReplyDeleteToday I wonder that it was necessary at all - but on Friday it was - couldn't control myself - had to pair ugly with ugly.
DeleteThanks so much
big hugs to you
I was coming home with the Christmas tree ready to adorn when I heard the news. I didn't decorate the tree. I couldn't. As a teacher, the news just hit me hard. I know I will have questions from my pupils on Monday as we usually discuss the news on that day. It will be difficult. I'm trying to get ready to answer the best I can. In France, we are not supposed to share our political opinion with them. Still, what I'll say is that when it was written that American could carry a gun, it was never intended for them to carry an army weapon (or so is my personal belief).
ReplyDeleteI used to live in a very dangerous area and since then (how unFrench of me) I carry a knife in my handbag at all time... I aim to hurt someone if I need to to survive... HURT not kill. As a teacher, trying to guide my pupils on the best lifepath ("best" not "right") possible, I don't want to carry a gun in my classroom. Thus said, I understand your reaction as it did cross my mind for half a second.
I stopped cold too Magali - thank God I had decorated what I had already had because the rest of it's going to be hard this year, without a doubt.
DeleteArmy assault weapons are ludicrous to have in a home - I can't imagine what use they would be other than for mass shootings.... You do not them to protect yourself - nor do you need them to hunt a deer.
And in this case the shooter could not buy a gun - he tried and was refused so he simply removed what was in his mother's home - is that why she was shot? Perhaps she tried to stop him?
Too much - I carried a knife for a little while - but even knives scare me so I had to stop.
I happen to be anti gun - quite a common stance here in Canada - but this episode has left me questioning my beliefs completely - don't know what to think anymore - the whole world has gone topsy turvy - where right is wrong and wrong is right.............
Big big hugs to you Magali
xxx too
The only reason I couldn't sit here and type as many cuss words that could come out of my mouth is that I'm still finding it hard to just take a breath. We have a granddaughter who just turned six last weekend. It was difficult to look at her today and imagine.......
ReplyDeleteBlessings to you and John this holiday season and always.
thanks for getting it Jaye - today all the anger has left and I'm just a crumbling mess about it all.................had I waited one day to post it it would have been a different post entirely -
DeleteBut it is what it is - I felt the way I felt - and it's now forever
" out there "
big big hugs to you and yours - and a very Merry Christmas Jaye!
It will come, no matter what - and perhaps thank God for that.
xxx
Hi Suzan!!
ReplyDeleteI'm with you 100%!!!
I don't know if my hubby heard right, but, they said he had mental issues...
I have mental issues...Trying to understand why the idiot was not on meds...Why did his mother have all those guns and bullets where a mentally disturbed son lived? Why was he not in a mental ward locked up? Why are school doors still unlocked while classes are in session?
WHY WHY WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's sad that these little innocent children, along with those brave teachers have to pay the price because nobody can answer my questions. The horror that they lived through...The heroic act of the teachers that gave their lives instead of telling the idiot where the kids were hiding.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to go on, but, REALLY!!!!!!!
Hope you have a great week Suzan!!
Pam
xoxox
I am in awe that someone could even consider an act like this.....no sane person could! I do believe that violent video games and movies really do desensitize us to cruel violence. After we kicked the TV out of our house, I would be somewhere and a program I used to really like would come on and I would be surprised at the language and dirty talk that I never heard before, because I was desensitized to it. And these were family hour sitcoms on network TV not violent movies on HBO!
ReplyDeleteOn the same day as this tragedy at Sandy Hook, there was a man in China that went into a school and stabbed 22 children. Outlawing guns will not stop someone who wants to do something this horrific and it will leave the law abiding unprotected, because we know the lawless will always get their weapon of choice.
My prayers are with these families and the community....my heart aches for them all!!!
Stacey