My Dress Arrived
From Light In the Box
It's beautiful
It's elegantly casual
It's perfect
EXCEPT
I have to lose 1 pound a day for 7 days
and grow at least 2 inches in height
Suzan says - John can you zip up the back for me please?
John says - Oh Oh - It won't go all the way to the top
Suzan says - sucks in her stomach
Suzan says - Ok - GO...............
John frantically tries to get it up
John says - I can't get it past the middle of your back
Suzan clutches the wall with one hand - her fist in her mouth with the other and sucks in some more
( in my very best Southern Belle pose )
Suzan screams - JUST ZIPPER IT UP..................
John says - I don't think the zipper is strong enough
( if I had a 3rd hand I'd slap him, plain and simple )
Suzan says - JUST. ZIPPER. IT. UP. PLEASE.
John finally gets it to the top
Suzan cannot breathe
Suzan's going red in the face............
Suzan whispers - because her chest is too constricted to speak properly " you see, it fits !!! "
John says - It looks amazing
John says - Wow it looks like it was custom made for you
Suzan says - Oh My God - I can't breathe - can you unzip it for me please?
Suzan says - it looks like I have extra breasts growing from my armpits
Suzan says - I don't understand - I bought a size larger then I normally wear
John says - You've been saying that for 10 years - it's getting old now................
it makes me look a little like this ( dear God - I even bought a floppy hat )
this woman's waist IS that size - mine's 20 times that size and somehow looks like that in the dress
WHAT HAVE I DONE????????????????????????????
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It's official everyone - I'm on a starvation diet for the next 7 days -
It's that or practice holding my breath for very long periods of time.
(or if anyone has a spare oxygen tank they can lend me - I could put flowers on it - decorate it all pretty like)
Have a great day all!!!
I will be starving right along with you--I bet I gained 10 pounds on this trip!
ReplyDeleteI would suggest Spanx but in the summer it would kill you! Water, lots and lots of water...or find Beyonce's diet for dropping pounds. It involves lemons, cayenne pepper, water and maple syrup. You can't leave the house because you need to be near a bathroom at all times but she lost 20lbs in two weeks or something ridiculous like that. By the way, be thankful the only place you have extra boobage is in the front of your arms. I have them on my back! (I think it makes slow dancing with me much more interesting...)
ReplyDeleteYour dress looks stunning and I am sure you will make a beautiful mother of the bride-love dee x
ReplyDeleteUh-oh, don't "starve" yourself, that is the worst thing to do but I agree with the idea of water, lots and lots of water. Perhaps do a cleanse or do one week of the Fast Metabolism Diet.
ReplyDeleteBut hey, I bet you look fantastic in that dress.
Armpit boobies are the worse! I agree with the above - all water and NO alcohol of any sort. Food should consist of water - melons, greens, etc. Take it from me, a well-dressed Southern belle always suffers for fashion! That dress is so worth the pain!
ReplyDeleteuh oh, I would be starving too, thats a beauty of a dress, you can do it, too bad it hadn't come a couple of weeks sooner , would have given you more time but its amazing how much we can lose in a week, when we try, I hope it works out, could you let it out a bit on the sides?
ReplyDeleteWow! That dress is stunning and Suzan...I'd be taking the easy route and finding a seamstress who can let it out a little or figure out a way that you can breathe without starving. I want you to be happy and healthy for this event...not weak and famished. Plus, you'll be terrified that the zipper will break or the seams will split. Can you rush ship another one in the next size up??
ReplyDeleteI think it is beautiful... I can totally relate!! Only I need to lose more than 10 lbs! Try South Beach Diet, no carbs. You should lose fast with that!! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI'm doing low carbs ( not no carbs lol ) but really I shovel so much into my mouth it's not normal ( or healthy ) I already feel a difference after 2 days!!!
DeleteThanks so much :)
XOX
Uh oh.......put your thinking cap on here because you are sure NOT going to have a fun week before the wedding if you're miserably starving....and NO WINE?? My favorite statement of all time:
ReplyDeleteJohn: frantically trying to get it up
Yup...that's a keeper....
Too funny! No time to exchange it?
ReplyDeleteIt is absolutely gorgeous. Is this for your daughter's wedding? I do hope you post pictures.
(Sorry, I have missed some of your posts. I don't have time to blog OR to read blogs anymore!)
Nicole
xx
LMAO...I love that John "frantically tries to get it up." :)
ReplyDeleteGorgeous dress. Can't you just wear spanx and take a diuretic the day before?
ReplyDeleteGood Luck!
ReplyDeleteI'm not leaving it to luck Susan LMHO..................but thanks so much :)
Deletexxx
Hahahaha...I do enjoy your posts so much :)
ReplyDeleteThat is a gorgeous dress! And I just know you'll look stunning in it.
Get another dress, Suze! Hurry!
ReplyDeletesurely you are exaggerating?! It can't be that bad - you certainly aren't big!
ReplyDeleteYikes, a week! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI laughed all the way through your post. So clever!
ReplyDeleteI know you'll be successful and look fab :) My money is on YOU!
Peace in Christ,
Ceil
LOL - thanks Ceil for the vote of confidence!!!!!!!!
DeleteThe post was written up on friday - and it feels a little better today believe it or not - and I still have 5 days - I think - hope - pray - it'll be ok!
Much love,
Been there, done it and my heart goes out to you. Thank goodness the dress my daughter originally ordered for me she decided to keep for herself and wore it on her honeymoon as I did not want to show all that cleavage the first time I met my ex husbands latest wife for the first time at our daughter's wedding. If possible and if it can be delivered on time please order the next size or 2 sizes up and if not I hope you know a good seamstress and hope there is enough material to make it fit even if you can't breath for about 6 hours! This is not anywhere near funny, but it is unfortunately reality. Maybe the hat will help. Best of luck. Lots of love and will be thinking of you. Update us all after the BIG event. No pun intended, but my hat is off to you.
ReplyDeleteThere's no time to order another one - and I think a size up would have me floating in the booby department - BUT I'm sure with a week of dieting it'll be fine - not great - but fine lol
DeleteThank God I had that breast reduction a couple of years ago though LMHO
It's the first time in my life that THEY are not the issue!!!!!!!!!!!
XOXOXOXXO
I'm not starving with you, I'm celebrating with lots of cake. How can a diet change the size of your ribcage? I would check into a tailor....
ReplyDeleteMan this wedding is going to be fun!
I agree with tailoring it or rush ordering a size bigger ... life's too stressful to starve! This tight dress did make a funny story though!
ReplyDeleteSuzan,
ReplyDeleteYou will look so beautiful. The dress is gorgeous. Good luck with whatever you do!!!!!
Kris
Tears. Of laughter for me, and sorrow for you.
ReplyDeleteBliss
I laughed as I pictured you holding the wall like Scarlett O'Hara was holding that bed post when Mama was trying to tie up her corset. Maybe you could try flooding your home. The stress induced by the event did make me loose a lot of wait! I can send you a good plumber if you need one!
ReplyDeleteIt's gorgeous and you're going to be gorgeous in it!! Buy some spanx - that will help make you feel more confident in it. Can't wait to see all the pictures!!!
ReplyDeleteI've bought from Light in the Box too and find their sizing small - you can tell John that!!
Hi Heather - THANKS SO MUCH FOR THAT - I KNEW it wasn't me LMHO!!!!!!!!!!
DeleteBut I'd order from them again ( size larger ) because this is really a quality dress -
Day 2 of the diet and it feels better already!
XOXOXO
It's cute how he thought you looked great in it. Best wishes on the seven day plan.
ReplyDeleteYou can do it, you'll look great!
ReplyDeleteI must say as I read your blog and got to the woman in the bathing suit I laughed out loud so much I got the giggles and I can't stop. You are hilarious, the way you tell stories!
Dear Susan,
ReplyDeleteI love you, darling, but you need to get a different dress or get this dress that you're in love with to a seamstress pronto and get the seams let out. Come on darling, I know you can do it!
Day 2 of dieting Jan and it went on much easier - I swear to God - day 7 should be ok............
DeleteI'm determined let me tell you!
XOXOX
I love you too darling :)
Well talk about embarassing, I spelled your name wrong - geez! Sorry about that, Suzan. Come to think of it, I probably spelled embarassing wrong, too. Oh well. The thing about crash dieting, no matter how healthy it seems at the time, you're going to be depriving your body of much needed essential nutrients - like wine. If there is any kind of seam allowance at all in the underarm seams and side seams, even if it's just a quarter of an inch on each side, that will make a positive difference in your comfort level. I'm all for a person learning how to eat better by introducing more fruits and vegetables into one's lifestyle, and more water too - hardly any of us drink enough of it. Try high fiber bread and please make sure you're getting protein every day in the form of health-fat nuts like walnuts and pecans, and fish like tuna and salmon. And don't be scared of eggs, either! Post photos of the new woo-woo Suzan!
DeleteI love getting your blog updates, I truly laugh out loud!!! This just happened to me for my daughters wedding!! For me it was my rib cage, it did zip but I didn't take a single breath all through the wedding and reception, helped me not cry, I couldn't take a breath in!!
ReplyDeleteOh Laurie, I'm so relieved to hear from someone who confirms that breathing is overrated lmho.......
DeleteBecause that is definitely Plan B - just not breathe!
XOXOXXO
Oh no, but lovely dress. I keep telling myself it's baby weight...my baby will be 2 soon :(
ReplyDeleteOh Suzan, I am so sorry to hear about this! You must just be nervous about this one and I don't blame you. I had a similar thing happen to me years ago for a wedding we were attending. I remember the feeling. I am praying for you girlfriend!
ReplyDeleteCynthia
extra breasts growing under your arms? That's classic. And boy, I can relate. However I suspect that you look positively beautiful in that dress.
ReplyDeleteLeslie
I cannot wear tank tops because of the extra 'boob fat' that sits there, can't figure out where it came from and wish it would move over a bit where it belongs. It sounds like you're well on your way to getting a good fit for the dress, way to go!! I hope you'll share pictures of the wedding, well at least of the two of you dressed to kill. I'm sure you'll look stunning!
ReplyDeleteDebbie :)
Oh they'll be photos I'm sure - I'll be the one in sunglasses LMHO...............
DeleteBoob fat is the worst ( well it's a close tie with back fat I guess )
XOX