A Friday Chat about This and That

I grew up ( brace yourself for this one - it's ugly ) thinking PEE was supposed to be yellow,
Not clear !
And I can tell you, in all honesty, that I never once looked in the bowl and thought that it was too deep a shade of yellow either - I simply did what I had to do - gave a quick flush and ran out to play with my Mother yelling out in the background " I didn't hear the water running - did you wash your hands ?"
( the answer was usually no - but I survived that too )
What I mean is there was no thought process involved with going pee - and that's how it should have stayed.

Now?
I'm obsessed - and I really didn't need another obsession.
I'm constantly checking the color and fretting over the depth or degree of the shade that swirls around my toilet bowl before I send it out into the great " Pee Patch "

I actually run downstairs and grab a bottle of water if I feel it's in order -
GOT.  TO.  TONE.  THAT.  COLOR.  DOWN.

Which brings me to the next thing.
Water in a bottle.
The greatest scam since someone sold the Brooklyn bridge to a naive buyer.

I had a girlfriend whose Mother-in-law refused to drink water from the tap - said she could always taste the difference.
One afternoon while I was visiting - her MIL came in and grabbed a bottle from the fridge - gulped it down - looked at me and said " There's no denying it - bottled water tastes so much better "
I didn't have the heart to tell her that I had just watched my girlfriend refilling those water bottles an hour earlier - from the kitchen faucet.

Have you noticed there aren't any public drinking fountains any more?  Not here anyway.
That was OUR source of drinking water as kids...............we didn't have to worry about carrying bottles around with us when we went out to play - we just stood in line and awaited our turn - and then took long gulps from a PUBLIC fountain. ( sometimes shooting some out at a friend - oh the germs, how they flew )
Fountains were everywhere - parks - schools - shopping centers - bus stations - anywhere, actually, where the need to quench our thirst was required.

Now I don't go anywhere without a bottle of water in my purse.
I have a fear of feeling a little thir dehydrated while out running errands.
( is this the time to admit I can remember drinking it from a hose in the backyard as a kid too, or is that just too much information ? )

8 glasses a day.
8 glasses a day
8 glasses a day

Last week my Son came by and I asked him if he wanted anything to drink
Just water, he replied
I went to grab a bottle -
Don't bother he said - I'll just take a glass of tap water
Tap water? ( I shrieked )
C'mon Mom - this whole bottled water is a scam - you're always saying so yourself...............

So there you go, sometimes your kids do in fact listen to you
From time to time

Later that night -
Suzan says - John - what color is your pee?
John says - What the hell?
Suzan says - Well it shouldn't be too dark - I'm just letting you know - you've got to be careful
Suzan says - I'm writing up a post on this subject
John says - Do your bloggers want to know what color my pee is?
John says - What the hell kind of a blog are you running now anyway?
Suzan says - Don't be ridiculous - I want to know - it's for your own good.
John says - There's 50 shades of yellow - mine falls somewhere in that frame.

And that may be the first witty thing I've EVER heard John say
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The skin on my hands are getting  " crepe-y "
I had something in the oven the other night - and lightly scalded the upper part of my hand removing it.
At one time that would have just rendered a little red line - now?
My hand almost went on fire..................my fingers are like kindling - I'm drying out !!!
( maybe I should be drinking 16 glasses of water a day? )
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John says - Why don't you ever mash the tea?
Suzan says - Pardon me?
John says - You never mash the tea ...............
Suzan says - What ARE you talking about?
John says - THE TEA, it's always very weak
Suzan says - You may as well be talking Chinese to me John - I have no idea what you're talking about
John says - STEEP the tea..........you always take the teabags out too soon
Suzan says - Why did you call it " mash " then?
John says - You've never heard of mashing tea?
Suzan says - No - the only thing I mash are potatoes -
John shakes his head - Do you see why I had to come to the colonies to help you out?
Suzan says - Be careful John - because right about now I could mash your head with no remorse.
John says - That's bash - not mash - you could bash me over the head
Suzan says - When are you moving back to England?
John says - Not yet -  my work here is obviously not done
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ALERT - IF YOU'RE SENSITIVE TO SEX ORGANS DO NOT READ THE NEXT PART.

A new email received this week where " George " informed me that he's 65 and gets erections as big as his leg - I'm not joking - I seriously received that this week   He does NOT mention the size of his leg however.....................
WHY am I getting all these emails about this crap?  I don't care if it's as big as his car
I'm getting paranoid now -
I used to cringe in disgust when I saw them - but you kind of get blase about the whole thing after awhile
At this point I find myself thinking - Oh George - you poor old desperate fool................

John says - Are you visiting those sites maybe - and they're tracking you?

OMG - I have never - NOT ONCE - in my life gone to a porn site - this is some sort of a conspiracy I tell you.

I don't visit sites where people have reached the end of their lives either - and yet I receive lots of these too.

I am Heather Walker,This is my Third Email to you,I am at the end of the road, and about to donate a huge amount through you. I promise that your assistance would be rewarded. Please reply back to me for more information. Remain Blessed

I find the " remain blessed " a nice personal touch - some of them can be so cold, don't you find?

And it's extra sweet considering she's at the end of her road - and reaching out to total strangers to heap tons of money and blessings on them.
But Heather is a liar - this was the first email I received from her - not the third - so I can't even trust
" saintly " people.

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The floors in this house are on a slant - and not just in one direction either - some go this way - some go that way.................it's like a freaking " fun " house, seriously.
The only positive thing about them is that I can kind of just roll off the bed and keep rolling to the door.
When we first moved in I would get out of bed and stumble into the wall.
I looked perpetually tipsy.
But you really do learn to roll with it - literally.
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Last winter - and only for the winter - we spent 4,800 dollars on heating oil.
We went into a state of shock actually.
But that was when extensive reno's were being done - and back doors were open more than they were closed - and a piece of plywood served as my kitchen window for 2 months.
It's starting to get cold now here in Montreal but I've noticed that every single time I turn the heat on - John turns it off.

John says - It's not necessary - it's not even cold in the house
John says - We're not being hit with heating bills like last winter
Suzan says - But the situation is not the same as last winter's - we actually have a thermal window in the kitchen and doors are closed and weather stripping is everywhere - AND I'M COLD
John says - Put your housecoat on - you live in it anyway

I went downstairs and he was WATCHING HOCKEY IN HIS JACKET !!!!!!!

Suzan says - Well I'm not living like this - are you crazy?
and I put the heat on full blast.

Later in bed

Suzan says - I don't think the heat is working - it's cold again in here
John says - I turned it off - it's not cold at all
Suzan says - IF I'M COLD EVEN WHEN I'M HAVING A HOT FLASH THEN IT'S FREAKING COLD.
John says - We used to sleep with hot water bottles in the bed back in Yorkshire
Suzan says - When are you moving back to England?
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Have a wonderful weekend everyone -
The tea is mashing LMAO  !!!

Much love,
Me