Hurry up - I NEED to talk to you.
So the thought randomly crossed my mind the other day that I haven't worn lingerie in over 15 years.
I'm not quite sure why - but I'm definitely sure that I won't be putting any on for another 15.
I have 2 drawers filled to the brim with sexy numbers - why I have no idea - and then a couple that look like something June Cleaver would have worn - and I really have no idea where those came from.
Anyway after struggling to get into a few of them - I finally found one that fit ( sort of - kind of )
I took a long bubble bath.............put a little makeup on - fluffed and tousled my hair and slunk into my little sexy number - and casually ( and as gracefully as I'm able to do - which truthfully isn't very graceful at all ) I entered the room.
John looks up from the t.v. and says - Where you going?
Suzan says - Excuse me?
John says - Why are you all dressed up?
Ya know..............you try and try - well at least once every 15 years and this is the response you get?
Suzan says - WHY WOULD I BE GOING OUT IN LINGERIE???
John says - Oh - I thought it was a fancy dress or something
Suzan says - I put it on for you for crying out loud
John laughs
John says - It looks nice -
Suzan says - Thank you
Suzan says - This isn't how it was supposed to pan out
John says - How what wasn't supposed to pan out?
Suzan says - YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO RAVAGE ME NOW
John says - Why would you do this right in the middle of a hockey game?
And that was that.
I changed into my joggers and t shirt.
When your better half thinks lingerie is a " going out " outfit a little teeny part of the spontaneity and magic has disappeared. ( unless you're a hooker of course - then your husband would just think you're going to work and tell you to have a nice day )
I'll let you know part 2 of this story.
In 15 years............
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While I was rummaging through my lingerie I came across a corset type of thing and decided I'd try it on.
I almost broke every bone in my fingers ( and ribs for that matter ) trying to do it up and it probably took me a half hour but I got it on.
Holy Cow!
It was pure magic!
10 pounds lighter at the least ( although my face was a strange shade of purple from the excursion )
I then ran and got out a cute little black dress I have and slipped it on.
I stood there in awe - there were curves I haven't seen in many years ! Actually in ever since I was never much of a curvy person - I was always too skinny for them and then I ended up with a pouch ( does that quantify as a curve ? )
I did a little pirouette in front of the mirror in glee - my eyes never leaving my image - until out of the corner of my eye I noticed something..........
Something really strange.
WHAT THE HELL?
SHIT !
There - in full glory - were two breasts growing off my back - right on top of the corset where I guess all the fat ended up.
OMG - that's a shock to the system let me tell you - when there's enough back fat to create back breasts large enough to fill a bra.
I had a breast reduction about 5 years ago because the ones in front were too big...............and now this?
I ripped the corset off and they magically disappeared.
But if this isn't proof I need to go on a diet I don't know what is...........like immediately actually.
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So I went downstairs and made the largest bowl of ice cream I've ever had in my life - sprinkled with pecans and hot chocolate sauce.
I'll probably sprout breasts on my knees next but I needed something to steady my nerves !
This getting older messes with your brain...........and your priorities.
A girlfriend and I were lamenting about the state of our bodies this week -
Suzan says - It's not normal to be this concerned with the " shell " Darlene
Darlene says - I know - what's wrong with us?
Suzan says - I don't know but I think we should be a little more grateful to " BE " instead of so unhappy about how we look.
Darlene says - You're right...........
And then we made plans for a huge spaghetti dinner with all the girls in December - there's nothing like proving you're ok with gaining weight like pasta, right?
Except what I didn't tell her was I'm going on a crash diet........just so that I'm skinnier than her when I walk into the room.
Leave me alone already - I need to do this !
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When my twins were born my grandmother ( who I always considered a very large lady - looking back with weight filled glasses - I realize she wasn't that huge - big yes but not huge - BUT she had ample breasts - it's a curse in our family ) would come over and if they cried she'd fold them into her folds basically and they'd stop instantly.
Babies LOVE fat.
I used to marvel at that !
Until last week over at Ashley's.
She ran out to pick up a few things - Evan was in his swing when he let out a bellow -
I hurriedly ran over and picked him up - squishing him into my belly - and pressing him against my breasts.
He stopped crying instantly.
I looked down at his face and thought - " These extra pounds Evan? Enjoy them now sweetheart because I can't keep them - even for you "
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My daughter took pics about a month ago of all of us.
Sitting in the den.
I'm sitting cross legged in one of them and it looks like my legs are an extension of Mars -
Cellulite.
But that's a post for a another day.
I'm thinking back fat has to be a priority at the moment.
Mister Fat...........you know - that little bastard that sneaks in with a bowl of French Onion Soup - or garlic bread and quickly finds a place to hide in your body ..........it's only able to run inside if it's hidden in really good food - there's no place for it to hide on a piece of lettuce.
Suzan says - John - if I ever put anything on and you notice I have breasts growing off my back - could you please tell me?
Johns says - What the hell are you talking about now?
Suzan says - You'll know - trust me you'll know..............and it's your solemn duty to report it to me, k?
I can't believe I'm putting this out there but I'm thinking it'll kick start me into that diet earlier than later.
This is me
sucking my belly in
the problem is you can't live comfortably doing that - it hurts
eventually you have to let some breath out and walk around naturally
this is me
naturally
Walking around with my eyebrows arched AND sucking my stomach in at the same time is too confusing.
I end up trying to lift my belly and suck my eyebrows in from time to time.
I think there's still some ice cream left - I'm going down to get a bowl..........
Have a great weekend all !
Hugs,
Me
