Come in ! I thought you'd never get here - you know where the coffee is - help yourself - I've got things to talk about :)
It started with a hair.
A single wayward hair growing on my chin.
I plucked it off and forgot all about it - until the next time I noticed it - by then it had a mate.
And they were reproducing faster than rabbits.
Since my eyes no longer work like they once did - I have to put glasses on and try to peer down through them ( and not under them - which is what usually happens when you peer through glasses - leaving the whole attempt futile )
I snatch those babies up as quickly as I can but they're on a quest to multiply as quickly as possible.
They're like the Duggar family of Chin Hair !
It seems like every one I get - 4 replace it.
Human overpopulation occurs if the number of people in a group exceeds the carrying capacity of a region occupied by that group. Overpopulation can further be viewed, in a long term perspective, as existing when a population cannot be maintained without the rapid depletion of non-renewable resources or without the degradation of the capacity of the environment to give support to the population. WIKIPEDIA
OR IN MY CASE
Hair overpopulation occurs if the number of hairs in a group exceeds the carrying capacity of a chin occupied by that group.
Overpopulation can further be viewed, in a long term perspective, as existing when a population cannot be maintained without the rapid depletion of non - renewable resources or without the degradation of the capacity of the environment to give support to the population [ 1 ] SUZANAPEDIA
There's world problems
And then there's my world's problems.
John and I were talking about something and I jumped up to write a quick note.
John says - Do you talk about everything that pops into your head ?
Suzan says - Generally yes................especially on Fridays
John says - Why Fridays?
Suzan says - Because that's when I do my Friday Chat ( about this & that )
John says - What if you're out walking and you think of something - does it become a Sunday Talk ( while out on a walk ) ?
John says - Or some Tuesday Fun ( while out on a run ) ?
Suzan says - You know, it's really time to start your own blog - I think you're ready.
Suzan says - BUT please - come up with your own ideas....................
John says - Where you going now?
Suzan says - I'll never remember this conversation - be right back !
Last week when Ashley and Chris came by to tell us the gender - I leaned over and started talking baby talk into her belly button -
Ashley - looking a little embarrassedly at Chris - says - with a nervous giggle - OK Mom - control yourself
Mom says - I'm introducing myself to Evan if you don't mind
Ashley - says - WHY ARE YOU TALKING INTO MY BELLY BUTTON?
Mom says - Because that's the channel - you know like a trumpet - he can hear me best when I whisper into your belly button - and then I continued my baby gibberish talk.
Ashley says - I told you she's weird Chris.....................
Ashley says - I hope you're not going to speak like that when he's born
Mom says - Why not?
Ashley says - Because you sound a little handicapped - that's all ..................
I LIKE baby talk - and I happen to excell at it.
My little boocha coocha beeby deeby munchkin bubelah chupah !
Want to meet him?
I'm overwhelmed with this ultra sound - completely and utterly overwhelmed !
Do you like my sandals?
I slipped into them to wear them to my daughters for my birthday last week.
John says - Don't be ridiculous - it's too cold to wear them outside now
Suzan says - It's MY party - and I'll wear'em if I want to.................
John says - WHY are you taking photos of your feet?
John says - It's sick ................
John says - IS THAT A RING ON YOUR TOE AGAIN?
Why doesn't he get how cool I am?
Suzan says - Yep...............I wanted a diamond one for my birthday - maybe next year?
John says - It'll be a frosty Friday before I buy you diamonds for your toes
( frosty Friday is another one of his favorite expressions - a stupid one in my opinion - since every Friday from November to March is a frosty one in Montreal )
I'm an optimist and I feel if I start dressing like it's summer it'll come quicker.
So off we went -
John in his winter coat - with a scarf.
We really are the quintessential Odd Couple.
And speaking of shoes - if you grew up in the 60's - you probably wore these ( I still love them )
I had them on the ottoman to take a picture - John took them off the ottoman to put his feet up
Yep - he went there
Suzan says - Listen buddy, you can do anything...........but lay off of my blue suede shoes !
I've finally convinced John that I need the TV on to sleep - I can't stand the quiet.
It took many many many years to convince him of this.
It took till menopause actually - when for some reason he just sort of started caving in to my wishes ( as brushes were flying across the room in temper tantrums )
He always goes to bed before me - so I have to run in and make sure he leaves the t.v. on - because once he's asleep and I turn it on all hell breaks loose.
Last night he went off to bed - he left the t.v. on for me but turned the volume off - well what's the point of that?
I went in the room and turned it up a little bit................and then left.
John yells out - WHY DOES THE VOLUME HAVE TO BE ON IF YOU'RE NOT IN THE ROOM?
Suzan says - For when I DO come in the room - obviously
John says - IT'S LIKE LIVING IN AN INSANE ASYLUM
When I do finally tiptoe into the room ( and please don't ask me why I tiptoe if the t.v.'s on but I do ) I promptly turn the fan on as well..................
John says - The only thing that's missing is a D.J. in the corner - serenading us to sleep.
John had an operation about 15 years ago to stop his snoring.
It was extremely painful - he couldn't swallow for days - I would make him strawberry milkshakes and even the miniscule seeds would make him flinch.
That man would have leapt off buildings for me at one time -
Anyway it worked up until a couple of years ago - the snoring has resumed - ( the T.V. and Fan help diminish it )
John says - I think you may have to book an appointment with the doctor
Suzan says - Why?
John says - Well the t.v. on all night is bad - the fan is worse - but lately you're waking me up with your snoring!
Suzan says - I DON'T SNORE !!!!!!!!!!!!!
One night I was startled awake by a horrific noise. It sounded like a 2 ton hog letting out a very deep and very loud gutteral snort actually.
I jumped up to see John calmly laying there watching T.V. ( his hair blowing all over the place from the fan )
Suzan says - Please don't tell me that came from me?
John says - Well it wasn't me and it wasn't Soda.
John says - You do it every night.
I don't believe him for a minute.
Ladies don't make noises like that.
He was probably watching a horror movie or something.....................
This week on TLC
The Top Ten " My Strange Addiction "
I won't bore you with all ten - just a few that shone !
A young man in love with his car - who admitted to his Dad that he was having an intimate and sexual relationship with the said car - the car's name is Shane - so I suppose that makes him a GCL
( Gay Car Lover ) I fully support people who love cars - and I fully support the Gay community - but I'm having a difficult time reconciling the two together for some reason - but I digress.
Shane - the car - appears to enjoy being rubbed and stroked..................
" Well " his Father said " Did you ever think of speaking to someone about this ? "
" I don't mean that in a mean way " he continued.
Because no parent wants to be seen as mean on national t.v. - we all know what he said when the camera stopped rolling.
The young man told the camera that he was quite pleased with his Father's reaction.
Car huggers, pfffft.
Then there was the couple who give themselves coffee enemas several times a day - every day.
Apparently it leaves them feeling euphoric !
I think Folger's should contact them - this could be huge in the advertising world !
Next thing we know Starbucks will have an enema station beside the cream and sugar.
Cafe au Lait?
A girl who eats mattresses.
She's consumed 8 of them over the course of 20 years.
As her Mother's in the shower - she slips in sneakily ( well as sneakily as you can do it with an entire camera crew ) and starts nibbling away.
Upon coming out of the shower - the Mother is horrified to discover that her mattress keeps getting smaller and smaller !
I'd personally rather have my mattress eaten than have 10 strangers in my bedroom with cameras and mikes watching as I step out of the shower - but that's just me.
She finally convinces her daughter to seek help with this affliction.
We next see the daughter at the Doctor's office where she explains that this addiction produces a lot of gas.
Sulphuric burps are her exact ( and quite professional ) words.
When the Doctor looks a little confused she puts it in laymen's terms
" Mouth Farts "
And that sentence?
I. WILL. NEVER. UNHEAR. IT.
Neither will the Doctor.
Or probably you for that matter.
There was also the young widow that walks around carrying her husband's ashes everywhere she goes.
One day after opening the lid, she noticed her fingers had ashes on them -
What to do? What to do?
She couldn't just wipe them off - THAT WAS HER HUSBAND, don't you know?
And so she really had no choice but to lick them off - and consume them.
Well one thing led to another and now she's horrified - because she's eaten a pound of him.
And since there was only 6 pounds to start off with - TLC quickly did an estimate for us that within a year there'll be nothing left. ( thank you TLC - if there's one thing I hate to do - it's to run and grab a calculator at a riveting part of a show )
Her Mother threatened to take the box off her and things got very tense in that household, let me tell you.
She ran into the bathroom and locked the door - and while her Mother searched for the key to unlock it we could hear the box being opened and paper crinkling - like a bag of chips ( or maybe it was hips )
I'm sure she had a little snack in there - just to tide her over.
" BACK OFF ! " she warned her Mother as she came out of the bathroom - and sidled past her with the box clutched to her chest.
Fascinating stuff................my heart was pounding - my palms were sweaty - will she eat the entirety of her hubs?
Will there be a part 2?
And most importantly does she realize what happens to things we consume?
Her Husband's going to end up in the toilet bowl................literally.
Well it would appear to be TLC ........................I hate it - I need help - desperately.
I had a thought the other day.
If I ever end up with Alzheimer's ( and this is no disrespect OR no joke ) I suppose people could just read my blog to me daily ( much like the NOTEBOOK )
Except I probably wouldn't understand myself from a distance...............( I don't understand myself in the day to day close up really either )
I'd probably be telling the people reading it to me " please stop " - " there's something wrong with that lady "
My favorite type of movies are documentaries - they're at the very top of the list and this week I saw
The Last Days in Vietnam.
What an incredible story - check your local PBS station ( it airs on The American Experience )
Another masterpiece by Rory Kennedy.
I may have told this story once before ................but it just entered my mind and so I'm telling it again.
We used to go to Manhattan monthly.
We used to get a deal with parking from the hotel.
On one trip upon going into the garage to pay our bill ( which was supposed to be 25.00 per day ) the machine read 300.00.
I told the attendant that something was wrong - that I had my voucher from the hotel and it should only be 75.00.................
" just pay the full amount and I'll reimburse you the difference " he advised.
I paid the full amount and then.................
Attendant says - There's something wrong with the computer - I can't give you the reimbursement
And I don't know what happened - I only know that once every 5 years or so - I go ballistic - apeshit - crazed with frustration and anger - you don't want to be around me when it happens.
I lose total control over my mouth - my body - and it must have been 5 years since I'd done it because
I started sreaming and yelling at the top of my lungs -
John died a little that day.
I was pointing my finger in the man's chest - calling him every name in the book -
Went back to the hotel ( across the street ) and started screaming and yelling at the manager - ran back to the garage and threatened to call the police -
Meanwhile a crowd was starting to gather ( all of whom were taking my side )
A man on a cell phone stood not far from me - a lawyer apparently - chatting on his phone
" God, I love New Yorkers " he told the other end.
" I'm a Montrealer " I snapped.
" I love them too " he quickly replied - LMHO
He stepped in and tried to argue my case............to no avail.
Anyway the purpose of that story is it's now 5 years later.
I'm due and I'm a nervous wreck
Ok - I'm off to find my tweezers.
I've got to pluck Josiah and Jill and Jessa and Jinger and Joyanna and.........................
Have a wonderful weekend everyone,
Hope you all have at least one moment like this