Thursday, November 26, 2015

A FRIDAY CHAT ( about this & that )

Good morning !

Hurry up - I NEED to talk to you.

So the thought randomly crossed my mind the other day that I haven't worn lingerie in over 15 years.
I'm not quite sure why - but I'm definitely sure that I won't be putting any on for another 15.

I have 2 drawers filled to the brim with sexy numbers - why I have no idea - and then a couple that look like something June Cleaver would have worn - and I really have no idea where those came from.
Anyway after struggling to get into a few of them - I finally found one that fit ( sort of - kind of )

I took a long bubble bath.............put a little makeup on - fluffed and tousled my hair and slunk into my little sexy number - and casually ( and as gracefully as I'm able to do - which truthfully isn't very graceful at all )  I entered the room.

John looks up from the t.v. and says - Where you going?
Suzan says - Excuse me?
John says - Why are you all dressed up?

Ya know..............you try and try - well at least once every 15 years and this is the response you get?

Suzan says - WHY WOULD I BE GOING OUT IN LINGERIE???
John says - Oh - I thought it was a fancy dress or something
Suzan says - I put it on for you for crying out loud
John laughs
John says - It looks nice -
Suzan says - Thank you
Suzan says - This isn't how it was supposed to pan out
John says - How what wasn't supposed to pan out?
Suzan says - YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO RAVAGE ME NOW
John says - Why would you do this right in the middle of a hockey game?

And that was that.
I changed into my joggers and t shirt.

When your better half thinks lingerie is a " going out " outfit a little teeny part of the spontaneity and magic has disappeared. ( unless you're a hooker of course - then your husband would just think you're going to work and tell you to have a nice day )
I'll let you know part 2 of this story.
In 15 years............
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While I was rummaging through my lingerie I came across a corset type of thing and decided I'd try it on.
I almost broke every bone in my fingers ( and ribs for that matter )  trying to do it up and it probably took me a half hour but I got it on.
Holy Cow!
It was pure magic!
10 pounds lighter at the least ( although my face was a strange shade of purple from the excursion )
I then ran and got out a cute little black dress I have and slipped it on.
I stood there in awe - there were curves I haven't seen in many years !  Actually in ever since I was never much of a curvy person - I was always too skinny for them and then I ended up with a pouch ( does that quantify as a curve ? )
I did a little pirouette in front of the mirror in glee - my eyes never leaving my image - until out of the corner of my eye I noticed something..........
Something really strange.
WHAT THE HELL?
SHIT !
There - in full glory - were two breasts growing off my back - right on top of the corset where I guess all the fat ended up.
OMG - that's a shock to the system let me tell you - when there's enough back fat to create back breasts large enough to fill a bra.
I had a breast reduction about 5 years ago because the ones in front were too big...............and now this?
I ripped the corset off and they magically disappeared.
But if this isn't proof I need to go on a diet I don't know what is...........like immediately actually.
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So I went downstairs and made the largest bowl of ice cream I've ever had in my life - sprinkled with pecans and hot chocolate sauce.
I'll probably sprout breasts on my knees next but I needed something to steady my nerves !
This getting older messes with your brain...........and your priorities.
A girlfriend and I were lamenting about the state of our bodies this week -
Suzan says - It's not normal to be this concerned with the " shell " Darlene
Darlene says - I know - what's wrong with us?
Suzan says - I don't know but I think we should be a little more grateful to " BE " instead of so unhappy about how we look.
Darlene says - You're right...........
And then we made plans for a huge spaghetti dinner with all the girls in December - there's nothing like proving you're ok with gaining weight like pasta, right?
Except what I didn't tell her was I'm going on a crash diet........just so that I'm skinnier than her when I walk into the room.
Leave me alone already - I need to do this !
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When my twins were born my grandmother ( who I always considered a very large lady - looking back with weight filled glasses - I realize she wasn't that huge - big yes but not huge - BUT she had ample breasts - it's a curse in our family ) would come over and if they cried she'd fold them into her folds basically and they'd stop instantly.
Babies LOVE fat.
I used to marvel at that !
Until last week over at Ashley's.
She ran out to pick up a few things - Evan was in his swing when he let out a bellow -
I hurriedly ran over and picked him up - squishing him into my belly - and pressing him against my breasts.
He stopped crying instantly.
I looked down at his face and thought - " These extra pounds Evan?  Enjoy them now sweetheart because I can't keep them - even for you "
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My daughter took pics about a month ago of all of us.
Sitting in the den.
I'm sitting cross legged in one of them and it looks like my legs are an extension of Mars -
Cellulite.
But that's a post for a another day.
I'm thinking back fat has to be a priority at the moment.

Mister Fat...........you know - that little bastard that sneaks in with a bowl of French Onion Soup - or garlic bread and quickly finds a place to hide in your body ..........it's only able to run inside if it's hidden in really good food - there's no place for it to hide on a piece of lettuce.

Suzan says - John - if I ever put anything on and you notice I have breasts growing off my back - could you please tell me?
Johns says - What the hell are you talking about now?
Suzan says - You'll know - trust me you'll know..............and it's your solemn duty to report it to me, k?

I can't believe I'm putting this out there but I'm thinking it'll kick start me into that diet earlier than later.

This is me


sucking my belly in
the problem is you can't live comfortably doing that - it hurts
eventually you have to let some breath out and walk around naturally

this is me
naturally


Walking around with my eyebrows arched AND sucking my stomach in at the same time is too confusing.
I end up trying to lift my belly and suck my eyebrows in from time to time.

I think there's still some ice cream left - I'm going down to get a bowl..........



Have a great weekend all !

Hugs,
Me







30 comments:

  1. Hi Suzan, you are such a hoot. Your belly is so tine and cute! Have a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend. Jo

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  2. Bahahahaha! Hilarious!! And I've got at least 50 pounds more than you so I have two stomachs, 3 chins AND back breasts!! My best friend is Little Debbie.....she's a good listener...:) You have a way of enjoying life and making others smile too so I know this won't get you down. Thanks for the smiles this morning!!

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    1. Hah ! Lil Debbie is evil Lisa - trust me on this- I know LOL
      I'm going to just start shopping in the maternity section I think - because it's only my stomach ( for now )
      Hope your Thanksgiving was wonderful !!!
      xox

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  3. Maybe if we'd all read this before our U.S. Thanksgiving, we would've eaten less? Nah, probably not, but thanks for a good laugh today as I sit home in my pj's and watch the crazy Black Friday mobs on TV.

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  4. The struggle is real! ;-) I am totally with ya! -Marci @ Stone Cottage Adventures

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  5. Thank thank thank you! I really needed a good giggle. By the way you look great!

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    1. LOL Laurie - this was a somber post !!!
      xoxo

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  6. I got you beat by a mile, girl!!

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  7. put the lingerie on for yourself. That's what I do, having been without male companionship for over a decade now. just because i don't have a man around doesn't mean I can't feel sexy ;)

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  8. I I feel your pain Suzan! It was Christmas eve almost two years ago when I had ordered some Ahaaa Bras you see advertised on the TV. I was waiting for the mailman as they were supposed to be delivered that day and we were going to our kids home for Christmas Eve. Finally he showed up and tossed me "THE" package. I had recently showered and was still a little damp, but wanted to show the miracle this bra was supposed to perform! So I ripped off my sweater, tore off my old slinger bra (in the privacy of my home) and picked out my favorite color from the four they sent me. These things you have to put on over your head and then pull down over your boobs after putting your hands into the armholes.......in a perfect world......when you are not damp from the shower! I was okay over the head, but things went downhill from there! The stupid bra curled up like a big rubber band, and as I struggled to unroll it trying to find a arm hole out of the contraption I got horribly stuck, nooo horrible mangled in this bra with both of my arms tangled in this bra on the left side of my body with my right arm twisted behind my head! I know you are only supposed to have one arm on the left side, but trust me, this bra made this new arrangement of my body part the new normal. Of course my boobs were not in control, and here I am with both arms stuck with part of the bra around my neck................feeling terribly humiliated I had no recourse but to call my Jim knowing the physical pain I was feeling was nothing compared to knowing what the look on his face was going to be. He was simply delighted!!! Then confused, then dumbfounded trying to get me untangled from this bra. My shoulder is still not right......and the Ahhh bra became my AAAAHHHHHH bra in screams of pain. Every time he see that commercial on television, he always quips, "remember when"...........................

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    1. I can't tell you how much you make me laugh - I'm trying to visualize you stuck like that LMHO !!! It kind of happened to me when I ordered a dress on line for my daughter's wedding !
      xxx

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    2. OMG! I laughed until I cried as I read this! I still have tears on my cheeks. That so sounds like something I would do, This is the best story I have read in years! You really made me happy to know I am not alone in such foolishness. Thank you SO much for the giggles.

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  9. Crazy time of year to start dieting, but good luck! I've found tracking my calories and weight on line really helps. I use Livestrong.com. Figure Lance might as well redeem himself some way. Maybe you've encouraged me to get back on it. The silver lining? You have fantastic belly muscles!

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    1. You know Teddee - you're 100% right - I'm not going to bother now - thanks for that because I made cookies all weekend LMHO !!!
      Belly muscles LOL !
      xox

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  10. OMG! I can't stop laughing. I can soooo relate! Unfortunately the older I get the harder it gets! U are such a bright light in my day! I love you!!!

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  12. I think you're smaller than I am, Suzan, but I have the front tummy pooch too, so I know what you mean. That's where my weight goes. So, I just stick to longer blouses. It makes me feel better. Thankfully, I was nauseous yesterday when the big meal was served, so I had really small portions... eating just enough so no one would get hurt feelings. I started getting rid of my lingerie.... it didn't fit that person who went on my honeymoon anymore. I think my husband would be a little like John if I showed up in something he could see through. Good heavens ! The thought alone gives me shivers!

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  13. We women worry too much. I bet John loves you just as you are, but prefers you not to interrupt hockey dressed sexy or not.

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  14. I've put on weight in places I didn't know I had. I was a 4 petite two years ago and am an 8 today. I'd say, shoot me now, but I'm too busy laughing at your post! Too funny!!

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  15. I'm sitting here giggling and Bill asked me what I was laughing at. I didn't tell him. The magic is gone... haha. He walked in while I was in the bathtub yesterday and I almost drown trying to cover myself up. Nobody needs to see how gravity is affecting either of us. I understand why older folks have separate bathrooms. Seeing that stuff isn't good for an aging heart. Thanks for the laugh and you look fabulous!

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  16. I read a cute little post on FB awhile ago...something to the effect of "...if only you were as fat as the first time you thought you were fat." So true, for me at least. Sexy for me at bedtime is wearing a huge T shirt with no bra cutting into my back fat for all (him) to see.

    You make me smile!

    Jane x

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  17. OMG You are too funny. Cheers to back boobs! BTW You are very tiny so eat on my friend, eat on!

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  18. Haha, I feel your pain, sister! I hate back fat. I'm not liking this middle age spread at all. It doesn't want to budge off this body. I'm back to counting calories and feeling like I'm starving. Boo. It's gonna be worth it when it warms back up and I'm wearing shorts again.
    Bruce would not ignore me if I slinked into a room with lingere on. (At least, I hope not) LMHO. can't remember the last time I wore any...
    Have a good one!
    Cecilia

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  19. Ok I have just popped over to your blog from Deb at Just Cats and you are a RIOT!!! I feel your pain, sister - this whole getting older thing is a bit tough at times but sooooo much better than the alternative!! I'm looking forward to more browsing around here....:)

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  20. I was so healthy for 4 months before my son's wedding - no bread. I lost 13 pounds, felt great and was quite happy with my appearance for the wedding. And, I felt better than ever. So why, have I eaten like a pig ever since. Now, we are 19 days away from a Christmas vacation with the whole family in Kauai. I have to put on a bathing suit!!!

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  21. You actually get a bowl to have ice cream?!! Katie and I just need a spoon {each, if there was any confusion}.

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  22. "Where are you going?" Too funny! You should have said, "my night job, got a problem with that"?

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    1. I know, right? How can he not tell lingerie from a black dress - omg - maybe I don't get dressed often enough??? LOL
      xox

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  23. I just found this post and have never laughed so hard!!!! You are so funny. I could completely 100% relate to the stomach thing. I used to be skinny when I was younger and now have some curves that I've had to get used to. So the before and after of the stomach has me rolling. You are braver than me to post that!!! I have the same profile. Ha ha. You are still a small girl though. I can tell that your frame is small (like mine). I could also relate to the not wanting to diet thing. Now I'm mad at your husband for how he handled your lingerie thing. He better rethink putting a hockey game ahead of intimacy!! Most men would kill for their wives to do that.

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  24. I just got to read this post. You crack me right up. You are one funny lady.

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Due to a large amount of spam ( that I'm tired of going back to posts and deleting ) I'll be using comment moderation from now on !!!
Can I beat these spammers at their own game? Probably not - but I'm going
to try my damnedest !!!
xoxo