The other night I was laying on the bed and I saw something on my leg out of the corner of my eye.
IT WAS WRINKLES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wrinkles on my leg - I swear to you - my left leg ( I think my right one is aging quite gracefully )
It was in a relaxed position obviously - but I thought I'd throw up on the spot.
I immediately flexed it and they disappeared.
I already walk around looking perpetually surprised - because forcing your eyebrows up as high as they'll go takes a couple of years off................it also give you severe headaches but that's a small price to pay. So now I'll have to make sure my leg muscles are flexed at all times - it's exhausting getting older.
Next time you step out of the shower ( and only if you have a full length mirror on your bathroom door ) while you're standing butt naked - lift your arms above your head ( like you're about to spring into a jumping jack - but don't really spring into a jumping jack or you may dislocate something ) O.M.G. - I swear to you your body looks like it's supposed to look ! It's amazing.
So I may start walking around with my arms above my head - that with the startled expression and the stiff walk from flexing leg muscles may make people think there's a hold up nearby but who cares really................it's free.
Oh and by the way - when you're laying in bed don't bother lifting your arms - it only works when you're standing up for some reason -
Everything still sags when you're horizontal - just keep a blanket up to your chin. And look surprised.
Well the latest argument was the front door as you can well imagine.
I wanted to go Apple Green or Yellow.....................John wanted Red -
John won.............just in case any of you are under the assumption that Suzan always wins.
He literally sulked for a week over it and I couldn't stand watching it so I caved. There's something so pitiful about seeing a grown man sulking over the color of a front door that's just heartbreaking really.
I've now discovered that a person can move mountains just by sulking - it never dawned on me before -
I'm going to try this method for the next project - it's exciting actually - a new experiment !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok I'm going to tell you one of the reasons why I wasn't keen on going red.
You already know that the normal rules of the universe don't ( and never did ) apply to me - so don't judge.
It's because of the stupid Fall wreath I made.
It took me 56 years to make one - and now I really like it - BUT IT DOESN'T GO WITH A RED DOOR
Plus there's orangey-gold leaded glass in the side lights and the door itself - I was afraid it was going to look like a Halloween door for 12 months of the year.
John says - YOU DON'T WANT TO PAINT THE DOOR RED BECAUSE OF A WREATH YOU MADE?
Suzan says - It'll clash
John says - MAKE ANOTHER ONE FOR GOD'S SAKES !
John says - You got the supplies from the dollar store.
John says - Of all the ridiculous reasons.................
Suzan says - But I've grown partial to that wreath
John says - WHO GROWS PARTIAL TO WREATHS - OMG - YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND
John says - You spend hundreds of dollars on a pair of shoes you never wear and you're attached to a wreath you made for 10.00
Suzan says - YOU spent 1000.00 on a leather jacket you never wear
John says - I'm going to start wearing it now - it was too warm - do you want me to put on a leather jacket in the sweltering heat????????????
Suzan says - YOU BOUGHT IT 10 YEARS AGO !!!!!!!!!!!
Suzan says - It's ugly now - please don't start wearing it - it's completely out of style
And that's how we roll around here...............we completely forget what we were originally arguing about and move on to the next item rather quickly.
Otherwise things can get stagnant pretty quickly don't you know?
If you want to keep the magic alive - DO NOT ARGUE OVER THE SAME THINGS OVER AND OVER AGAIN................otherwise he'll find someone new to argue with.
Someone who doesn't have to walk around flexing her leg muscles and looking surprised.
This summer was so hot - gloriously hot - that I can't bear the cooler temperatures. My body is going into shock - or shutdown - it just can't deal with it.
And there's this constant niggling thought that it's going to get much much colder as we progress.
OMG - as I was typing niggling I realized I haven't heard that word in ages..............I had to google it because it feels like the start of a bad word, doesn't it? But it's fine to use..................being politically correct is as exhausting.as aging.
Speaking of politically correct - we have a woman running for office in Ontario that didn't know that Auschwitz was a death camp. And her background is in public education Her friend had posted a photo of herself ( facebook ) in front of the electric fence at Auschwitz she was standing in front of - 7 years ago - and here was the candidate's reply
"Ahhh, the infamous Pollish (sic), phallic, hydro posts … of course you took pictures of this! It expresses ... how the curve is normal, natural, and healthy right!"
When questioned about it her response was that she did not know that Auschwitz was a death camp.
And that this " mudslinging " was the kind of thing that turned voters off.
No lady - it's ignorance that can and should turn voters off.
Comments made on social media stay out there forever - I've said things that would probably embarrass me as well - but I'M NOT RUNNING FOR OFFICE.
And I know that Polish is spelled with one L.................good grief.
Our public education system is in worse shape than I thought.
Unbelievable - just completely unbelievable.
I was looking for my exterior color chart the other day - searched everywhere and then had an AHA moment
( thank you Oprah - I had absolutely no idea what to call it before you came along ! )
and ran into the den and opened one of the drawers in the armoire and there sat a grocery bag..........
I've been looking all over for my bag of dresser knobs so was thrilled to see it there..............
Except it wasn't my bag of dresser knobs at all...........
Now before I go any further you have to remember that Fall is upon us - full force - and I get that it's a primal thing to hunker down for winter.
I've been changing out pillows and scattering throws around the couches - putting candles out - laying books all over the place - rearranging mantels - making soups and stews- etc. Whether I want to do all of that or not it's just an instinct that it needs to be done.
Nestled inside of a drawer?
It's beyond my comprehension - obviously John's way of hunkering down for winter is a lot different than mine.
AND buried under that was this
Suzan says - PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE FOOD IN DRAWERS
John says - It's shells - why not - I'm not finished with them
Honestly? I'm not fond of squirrels - for those of you that have been reading awhile - you KNOW that -
So I'm flabbergasted to discover that John has traits eerily similar to them. ( the element of surprise is also very important in a relationship )
Who does that?
I mean - really - dear God - who does that?
This may be the
Suzan says - IF YOU CONTINUE BURYING PEANUTS AND SHELLS IN THE HOUSE YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO BUILD YOURSELF A TREEHOUSE !!!
But I'm not being funny - I'm serious - he can build it - and I'll decorate it for him.
I'll even paint the little door red.
And he can scurry around gathering all the nuts he wants in peace and harmony.
And speaking of squirrels - one climbed up the wall outside and pressed it's face against the screen in my office where my desk sits right in front of.
I screamed bloody murder and it scurried away.
So did the UPS man across the street after worriedly looking all over to see where the scream came from.
They're out to kill me those things - I swear to you ( the squirrels not the UPS men )
If you're new here you can read about my very traumatic experience in our last home HERE
They terrorize me - seriously - they completely terrorize me.
I had a dream last night that Oprah sent me an email telling me to measure all my windows because she was having them all replaced for me.
She asked me not to tell anyone or everyone would want new windows................
Told me to come up with a story.
We're having a few windows replaced before winter sets in.................we're paying for them ourselves
( well that's my story and I'm sticking to it )
My heart with pleasure fills
and dances with the daffodils..................
And I think that's all she wrote folks.................
I've got to make sure John doesn't have any acorns in his underwear drawer !