I won't turn the t.v. on or listen to the radio because I simply can't absorb anymore of the grief the media keeps pounding into our brains.
I'll have my shower and head downstairs
I'll get out all my supplies and put my apron on
And I'll bake............
I'll bake for Ashley and Chris who have taken on the role of parents with such love and I'll just about burst for the little creation they brought into the world in September.
I'll bake for Gordie and Vanessa - and Vanessa's 2 little girls who have stolen my son's ( and ours ) heart away.
I'll bake for Lindsay and Tony - shaking my head and smiling because I can't use any animal products on those particular cookies - I tease her but I'm oh so proud of the stand she's taken. She walks the walk.
I'll bake for Annie and Mathew who fell in love as very young teenagers and have shown us the art of parenting with such grace that it can literally take our breath away.
I'll bake for James and Su who have been through so much and have come through it all on top of the heap
King ( and Queen ) of their world.
I'll bake for all the little ones...............and let them sneak one or two before Christmas dinner because that's what Lollys and Pops do. And if their parents walk into the kitchen I'll hide them under the table or behind my back while they giggle out loud and I'll say loudly " get out ! they're NOT in here ! "
I'll bake for Soda who always got little nibbles of the " throw aways " this is the first Christmas she's not with us in 16 years - it's been 2 weeks and nothing feels quite right yet.
I'll bake for all the in - laws of the above - because without them - our children's happiness could not be complete.
I'll bake for John who has never - not once - given up.
On anything.
But mostly me.
Because he loves me - as difficult as that can sometimes be - he loves me.
And my cookies.
I'll bake for all of the reasons above..........as I do every year.
And as I blend all the ingredients in I'll think of us - our big blended family.
But the truth is this year I have to put extra heart into it
This year what happened in Paris has totally devastated me and so I have to force myself into the kitchen.
Life does go on.
It doesn't stand still even when it's filled with those that seek to harm us.
And the only way I know to honor those whose lives were lost is to go on.
To keep my traditions.
To tell them your life was not in vain.............
And to assure their families that life will continue - our values will stay intact - they will not win.
They can create unspeakable sadness but they cannot destroy who we are.
I'll bake
And I'll bake
And then I'll bake some more
Until I feel nothing but comfort and joy
And then I'll wait for my favorite Christmas movie to come on - because despite it all - no - in spite of it all
It's a wonderful life.
It's also a precious and fragile one.
So for some reason it feels right that I be in my kitchen - working with my hands because that's where love begins for me.
As soon as I sign off on this post - I'll go downstairs - put some Christmas music on and preheat the oven.
And than I'll mix - beat - roll - sift my way clear into this next season.
We can talk about the world tomorrow..................
Today I'll bake.
Hugs,
LOOKING FOR INSPIRATION?
JOIN ME AT THESE FABULOUS PARTIES !
So the thought randomly crossed my mind the other day that I haven't worn lingerie in over 15 years.
I'm not quite sure why - but I'm definitely sure that I won't be putting any on for another 15.
I have 2 drawers filled to the brim with sexy numbers - why I have no idea - and then a couple that look like something June Cleaver would have worn - and I really have no idea where those came from.
Anyway after struggling to get into a few of them - I finally found one that fit ( sort of - kind of )
I took a long bubble bath.............put a little makeup on - fluffed and tousled my hair and slunk into my little sexy number - and casually ( and as gracefully as I'm able to do - which truthfully isn't very graceful at all ) I entered the room.
John looks up from the t.v. and says - Where you going?
Suzan says - Excuse me?
John says - Why are you all dressed up?
Ya know..............you try and try - well at least once every 15 years and this is the response you get?
Suzan says - WHY WOULD I BE GOING OUT IN LINGERIE???
John says - Oh - I thought it was a fancy dress or something
Suzan says - I put it on for you for crying out loud
John laughs
John says - It looks nice -
Suzan says - Thank you
Suzan says - This isn't how it was supposed to pan out
John says - How what wasn't supposed to pan out?
Suzan says - YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO RAVAGE ME NOW
John says - Why would you do this right in the middle of a hockey game?
And that was that.
I changed into my joggers and t shirt.
When your better half thinks lingerie is a " going out " outfit a little teeny part of the spontaneity and magic has disappeared. ( unless you're a hooker of course - then your husband would just think you're going to work and tell you to have a nice day )
I'll let you know part 2 of this story.
In 15 years............
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While I was rummaging through my lingerie I came across a corset type of thing and decided I'd try it on.
I almost broke every bone in my fingers ( and ribs for that matter ) trying to do it up and it probably took me a half hour but I got it on.
Holy Cow!
It was pure magic!
10 pounds lighter at the least ( although my face was a strange shade of purple from the excursion )
I then ran and got out a cute little black dress I have and slipped it on.
I stood there in awe - there were curves I haven't seen in many years ! Actually in ever since I was never much of a curvy person - I was always too skinny for them and then I ended up with a pouch ( does that quantify as a curve ? )
I did a little pirouette in front of the mirror in glee - my eyes never leaving my image - until out of the corner of my eye I noticed something..........
Something really strange.
WHAT THE HELL?
SHIT !
There - in full glory - were two breasts growing off my back - right on top of the corset where I guess all the fat ended up.
OMG - that's a shock to the system let me tell you - when there's enough back fat to create back breasts large enough to fill a bra.
I had a breast reduction about 5 years ago because the ones in front were too big...............and now this?
I ripped the corset off and they magically disappeared.
But if this isn't proof I need to go on a diet I don't know what is...........like immediately actually.
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So I went downstairs and made the largest bowl of ice cream I've ever had in my life - sprinkled with pecans and hot chocolate sauce.
I'll probably sprout breasts on my knees next but I needed something to steady my nerves !
This getting older messes with your brain...........and your priorities.
A girlfriend and I were lamenting about the state of our bodies this week -
Suzan says - It's not normal to be this concerned with the " shell " Darlene
Darlene says - I know - what's wrong with us?
Suzan says - I don't know but I think we should be a little more grateful to " BE " instead of so unhappy about how we look.
Darlene says - You're right...........
And then we made plans for a huge spaghetti dinner with all the girls in December - there's nothing like proving you're ok with gaining weight like pasta, right?
Except what I didn't tell her was I'm going on a crash diet........just so that I'm skinnier than her when I walk into the room.
Leave me alone already - I need to do this !
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When my twins were born my grandmother ( who I always considered a very large lady - looking back with weight filled glasses - I realize she wasn't that huge - big yes but not huge - BUT she had ample breasts - it's a curse in our family ) would come over and if they cried she'd fold them into her folds basically and they'd stop instantly.
Babies LOVE fat.
I used to marvel at that !
Until last week over at Ashley's.
She ran out to pick up a few things - Evan was in his swing when he let out a bellow -
I hurriedly ran over and picked him up - squishing him into my belly - and pressing him against my breasts.
He stopped crying instantly.
I looked down at his face and thought - " These extra pounds Evan? Enjoy them now sweetheart because I can't keep them - even for you "
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My daughter took pics about a month ago of all of us.
Sitting in the den.
I'm sitting cross legged in one of them and it looks like my legs are an extension of Mars -
Cellulite.
But that's a post for a another day.
I'm thinking back fat has to be a priority at the moment.
Mister Fat...........you know - that little bastard that sneaks in with a bowl of French Onion Soup - or garlic bread and quickly finds a place to hide in your body ..........it's only able to run inside if it's hidden in really good food - there's no place for it to hide on a piece of lettuce.
Suzan says - John - if I ever put anything on and you notice I have breasts growing off my back - could you please tell me?
Johns says - What the hell are you talking about now?
Suzan says - You'll know - trust me you'll know..............and it's your solemn duty to report it to me, k?
I can't believe I'm putting this out there but I'm thinking it'll kick start me into that diet earlier than later.
This is me
sucking my belly in
the problem is you can't live comfortably doing that - it hurts
eventually you have to let some breath out and walk around naturally
this is me
naturally
Walking around with my eyebrows arched AND sucking my stomach in at the same time is too confusing.
I end up trying to lift my belly and suck my eyebrows in from time to time.
I think there's still some ice cream left - I'm going down to get a bowl..........
