Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Tongue in Cheek Tuesday # 1

This is a new series featuring a bunch of wacky bloggers - not your, ahem, typical bloggers.
Actually it may or may not be a series - we're not sure yet - we may have gone to all this work on
a whim, ya never know..................we're fickle like that.
Let's just call it Tongue in Cheek Tuesday #1 ( because I have to number everything anyway )
And It's all about New Years Resolutions...........................

I thought about this a lot in December -

I thought about it while I stuffed my face with chocolate -
and wondered if perhaps that should be my resolution
No chocolate for a year?
But then one night - just after Christmas - I went to take a turtle out of my hidden stash - and
the box was empty - John had discovered where I hid it
Let me just tell you this.
My reaction was such that I knew from the bottom of my being that if I even attempted to give up chocolate
I would be living alone by January 15.........................
I'd give up my life for him -
Not happening.
And I'm menopausing so I can't give it up anyway.

I thought about it while attempting to do a sit up one night by the fire
One sit up.
And realized I couldn't get up off the floor - and it was so cozy down there with the fire blazing away,
that I just laid there and tried to come up with another plan......................
And I'm menopausing so I can't do sit-ups anyway.

I thought about it while making supper one night -
Hmmm - maybe this should be the year that we seriously focus on eating healthier.
But I really wanted fries - and I really wanted them made in hot bubbling oil - not shrivelling
up on a baking sheet in the oven like a batch of cardboard sticks.  I hate cardboard sticks.
So that idea was axed.
And I'm menopausing so I can't give up fries anyway

I thought about ( while laying in bed ) making it a point to get dressed every single day this year.
Instead of spending half my life in sweats or p.j's sitting in front of my computer, blogging, but
realized this would almost be impossible for me - setting my sights far too high - so I rolled over
and had a nap instead.
And I'm menopausing so I can't get dressed everyday anyway

I thought about taking over the chore of walking Soda - at least once a day - instead of John doing it
every single time in the last year or so - but it was so cold on the day I thought about it - that I shut it out of my brain completely.
Because I know - I just know- that if it were left to me - I'd spend my life on my hands and knees washing up accidents. And I have a bad knee.
And I'm menopausing so I can't walk Soda everyday anyway.

I thought about trying to make a balanced budget - but this sent me into such a downward spiral of depression that I ripped the paper in a thousand pieces and walked out of the office - and laid down on the floor in the living room in front of the blazing fire and tried to do a sit up.
And I'm menopausing - so me and  " balanced " do not work together anyway

I even thought about the idea of maybe letting John " be " this year - instead of tormenting him daily - but then realized if I did that - that would be the end of my blog - and I am most definitely NOT giving up my blog.  At this point it's the last thin line between me and my sanity.
And I'm menopausing - so I can't NOT torment John anyway - ( or I'd self combust )

I know exactly what I'm giving up.

Since it's the one common factor that's keeping me from being able to make any New Year's Resolutions in the first place.
That's right
I'm giving it up - I'm walking away from it -
I'm saying goodbye to the sweating profusely ( good-bye - sayonara - you beads of degradation )
and adios to insomnia -  (well hello -you beautiful dream filled nights )
I'm going to shake off those headaches - and shimmy out of the " bulge " that just seems to get a little bit bigger each month,
And the mood swings?
They're history - I'm shutting the door on them - you hear that, mood swings?  Don't let the door hit you on your way out, ya hear me?
I've sat down and had a good talk with my hormones - they seem to understand God Bless them - that they can't - absolutely cannot - run havoc all over the place anymore - if they can't behave - they're outta here too.  I'm giving them a chance though because they get confused so easily.
And while I was at it I had a little conversation with my bladder - I detest weakness - and refuse to have it behaving the way it does whenever I need to laugh - really laugh - My God Girl - I told it - toughen up!
You're better than this - you're bigger then this - have some pride - yadda yadda - in it's defence it did seem a little embarrassed - we'll see if it worked - but if not - that's out the door too!
I was a little gentler with my heart - it's soooo sensitive - so I softly explained that it can't keep breaking everytime I read a card,  or remember certain things - or watch a movie - it just can't - like the bladder it just has to toughen up -  and although I didn't actually say the words to it - it's GONE if it can't comply.
And my bowels?  Let's just say they've been warned - they have to learn a little patience - I explained to them that the world doesn't stop just because they're demanding some attention. I let them know that if we're going out for a walk - they can't, out of the blue, insist that I look for the closest restaurant that I can run into.
My God it's not all about you, I admonished them. You can't be stamping your feet in a temper tantrum
with " But I want to go now - " and carrying on like a child.  It's simply not necessary to explore every public washroom in the city...........
The chin hairs better make themselves scarce too if they know what's good for them.
Tough Love?  I hear it works..................

So this is the year folks.
This is my New Years RE SOLUTION.
I'm quitting menopause.
It's a sacrifce, I know, because I'm walking away from a perfectly built in excuse for being a b**ch and I just may be a walking skeleton by June or July without any important organs existing inside of me other than intestines....................
Trust me on that one.
AND once I'm menopause free - it'll be soooo easy to come up with a New Years Resolution next year -
Hell, I may be able to attempt 2 or 3 of them!

For all you younger chicks out there - the wisest words of wisdom I can give you is

Wish me luck................
And please join my fellow bloggers on their New Year's Resolution posts below
WARNING:  We're keeping it real folks and sometimes "real" ain't pretty...................
See the links below
( and by the way - I had to cut my heart some slack last night - because of Sybil from Downton Abbey - she nearly ruined this whole RE solution thing by pulling off what she did  #$%@  )

humorous posts,witty, satire,

Visit Kirby at Kirb Appeal
Visit Bliss at Bliss Ranch
Visit Mel at Mellywood's Mansion
Visit Danni at Silo Hill Farm
Visit Tracy at Crows feet Chic
Visit Tina at What we Keep
Visit Corn at Corn in my Coffee Pot
Visit Jean at The Backyard Bungalow
Visit Laura at White Spray Paint
Visit Amy at Buffalo Roam

Have a great Tuesday all - has anyone made a resolution?  I'd love to hear about it so that I can torment
you when it doesn't pan out LOL.
Tormenting people has become a past time for me it seems - I should really stop doing that
( but I'm menopausing so ................................ )


  1. Ill take your memo pause, having an excuse for eating junk, not exercising and being a b!@tch to the hubs sounds awesome. Maybe not the other stuff not so much, good luck and may the odds be ever in your favour!

  2. Suzan's 9 Step Program to eradicate menopause!! I see potential for a movement here! If you are successful, you will be a rock star in the 50+ womens world!! Oh who am I kidding....you already are! You are hilarious and I adore you!

  3. What a great idea! I'm not close to menopause, but I loved your post all the same. Looking forward to following this series!

  4. If this works out you're going to be filthy rich you know because women everywhere will be seeking the cure. :)

  5. What a wonderful post!!! It made me so cheerful, am even kind of looking forward to menopause now :-)
    hugs dear Suzan!

  6. OMG...if we have a choice then I will most definitely take your advice and bypass menopause!!
    Ha! Good morning laugh as always Suzan!!

  7. Hilarious post! And John will be so glad to hear that you're not going to stop tormenting him. What would his life be like anyway?? It would be totally foreign territory, and think how that would throw him into confusion. So glad you gave up that silly idea. Besides, we love these posts!

    The way I handled new year's resolutions was to procrastinate. I've been thinking about them, but haven't actually made any yet because I hate to break them.

    Go drink icewater and stay away from carbs.

  8. Well, I laughed my way through this...and say...isn't your LAST NAME SWEATman? Helllloooooo? What did you expect? I suppose you don't want to know that I never had one single menopause symptom and one day I just had my last period and that was it? That would be cruel to tell you that, I suppose!;>) xo Diana off to visit some of your other friends....

  9. Good for you, Suzan, wrangling all those body parts back into shape. I sit here in my sweats blogging and reading instead of taking the dogs for a walk. Never thought of making an excuse.

  10. OMG...I am rolling Suzan! This is totally my life (as are most all of your posts!) so I have decided that we are probably twins in another life and I just want ya to know I love ya girl!! XOXO

    1. lol - thanks " sister "...................
      Love you back!

  11. We're two peas in a pod, I tell ya. I won't give up chocolate. Or fries. I don't walk the dog either, she walks herself in the backyard and I'm quite okay with that. I sit in front of the computer in my p.j.s for hours. Sit-ups? Fogget about it! And yeah, I'm ready to give menopause a pause too. Why do women go through so much with their bodies their entire life? Such crap! First, it's puberty. As if it's not awkward enough, we get blessed with the "curse". Then pregnancy. Oh. My. God. It wreaks havoc!!! Then menopause loosens up everything that used to be tight. We go from wearing Always to Poise. The name "Always" is ironic. What they don't tell you is that it means, you'll "always" be wearing a pad. They just change the name on you. And Poise is ironic too in fact. I don't see how you can be poised wearing Poise.

    Look at this now, you got me going on a rant too, lol!!!

    P.S. There's an ad for extremely busty and young women and at the bottom of your blog asking if you want to "chat" with them. How ironic is that. Gaaaaah!

  12. Hey Suz~
    Great post! I know this devil of which you speak. It's not pretty.
    Here's to chocolate, french fries and bossing our husbands around.
    I raise my glass.
    BTW, I was not informed about writing about a resolution for this series, in case you are scratching your head. I think I was set up by the one with a fake name. ;)

  13. Too funny, you really have me laughing:-) It's all sad, but true, lol. For years now, my best solution has been to buy more junk!

  14. OMG Suzan!!! What can I say? This post made my day and so cheered me up!! Absolutely hilarious!! This post needs to go viral to encourage women our age everywhere to kick some serious menopause butt!! You rock!! It feels so good to LMAO!!!!! Especially since Sybil had me balling my eyes out Sunday night. Probably would have been balling even if I wasn't menopausing, but because I am it wasn't pretty.

  15. It's a good thing John isn't menopausing, otherwise that poor dog wouldn't go out! We had a very fun conversation with my pupils today about menopause when one of them asked me what would happen to the line of succession if Queen Elizabeth had a new baby... I hope I didn't offend the Queen by stating in class that I thought she was past menopause... I know, I know, this is nowhere in the official curriculum... My lessons are always like this!

    1. LOL - that's GOOD Magali - you are teaching lessons of life!

  16. You are a trip, my friend! Thanks for making me laugh today. I'm hoping all the parts listened well ~ menopause is a real bitch! I had it instantly when I had a hysterectomy eons ago.

    I think you should celebrate and have more chocolate!

  17. Oh, I forgot, you're over 700 followers, so where are the presents??? - Just kidding!

    1. Monday LOL - I'm going to announce it on Monday!

  18. Laughing my socks off! You are so funny! I love seeing a new post pop up in my inbox cause I know I will be intertained!

  19. Good luck with that, Suzan! Even the meds the doc has me on haven't completely stopped the hot flashes...and I'll have to tell Larry to blame the menopause on my moods...never thought of that one. Thanks! hehe
    Off to check out the other links
    Debbie :)

  20. Oh, lawd...can I quit menopause, too? So glad you are joining us! Yay!

  21. We ride at sunset. Meet me at the Minnesota Canadian border with your pitchfork. We'll gather up all the other menopausal women, stab the helll out of something that resembles hot flashes, stop to poop at the closest restroom, then go out for fries and chocolate. And just for fun we'll all take turns calling John.


  22. I always get an education when I come for a visit with you! I learned so much about myself today...
    1. I learned I am a "Craft Whore" . I'm coming out today!
    2. My middle name is wonky (ditto)
    3. Corn, just cracks me up!
    4. A real blogger takes pics of boo boo's instead of treating them.

    I also left a few words of wisdom...
    1. Mod Podge when applied to your face, neck and, uh um... other parts will erase 20 years of wrinkles (Fountain of Youth discovered, directions not included)
    2. I know the secret to thicker hair! Us gals have to shower and blow dry to primp for our Mr. Muscle's everyday and 1/2 our hair falls out (the good parts, not the grays). Well the secret to thicker hair is...just don't shower!!

    ~~ Do they have a 12 step program for what we have... or maybe immunizations available???~~

    And Suzan, I hate to tell you this, but I had that talk a few years back and it wasn't good... my bladder is still letting me know who's boss! Just sayin'... if you keep up that approach can you say...DEPENDS!

    Lovin' TICT, please keep it going!

  23. Hi,
    Did you know that medically menopause is 12 consecutive months without a period? Yep! Sooo, period for umpteen years, peri-menopause (I think this is just practicing for menopause), menopause and last but not least post-menopause. All that for just one day? There's something wrong with that picture! I can guarantee that if all of this happened to men the problem would have been solved many decades ago! lol
    Started peri-menopause at 35 (I'm 58 now and still practicing - slow learner). Finally, thought I had it beat. No period for months and on the 12th month she came back with a vengeance. Three months, and then here we go again - this time it worked!!! Yahoo!! Yay!!!
    Still get all the symptoms you mentioned! I know where every washroom is in the majority of stores here in London (Ontario). I've practiced a "sad face and wimpy voice" for when there is no public washroom and I need them to take pity on me. As for hot flashes, I don't "flash" but my body temperature is just a bit higher than normal so have a continual "hot". For me the worst is at night, where I only get "hot" from the neck up. I keep changes of pillows next to the bed.
    Oh, the stories we could tell!
    Thanks for my laugh. Though I did have to have another talk with my bladder since she gave out so took a potty break and came back for round two!

    1. And I stopped having a period at 44 - and didn't have these horrible symptoms until last year ( the worst I used to get was like you - my head would get hot )
      but holy *(&()^% it's just terrible now LOL
      Friends used to talk about Hot Flashes and I had absolutely no idea ( thought I did but didn't ) how sickening they can be!
      Never heard of Post Menopause Dear God - does this never end at all LOL ???

    2. Suzan,
      Of course, it ends! When we die! How morbid but the truth! Have you noticed that Mother Nature and the Period Fairy are such witches (with a "b"). I swear they have to be related! lol
      Take care and all the best,

    3. LOL - ( but not funny at all )

  24. We were separated at birth!
    I am still laughing.

    And no more resolutions!


    White Spray Paint

  25. Guess I am in the post group--Electric fans are my dear friends almost year round--Tell Bliss I don't have a pitchfork anymore, but I have a mean rake for the roundup, hahahaha-It is always a good day when I get to read your posts Suzan! Thanks to all of the tongue-in-cheek bloggers for a few minutes of laughter!

  26. Oh my gosh this is too funny, and all too true! My husband thought he was having hot flashes at night...then he realized it was just me throwing the covers over on him, then dragging them all back 50 times a night. I finally caved and am on some meds to control them. I still have a few, but not every 10-15 minutes, melt my face off monster flashes.

    Now if I could just do something about brain fog...

    Stay cool!

  27. Haha Suzan this all rings a bell with me! So funny

  28. Hi Suzan,

    A mini roast, for the nearly, dearly departed:
    (to be spoken with a thick Greek accent, similar to Toula's father in 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding')

    "Menopause. Come from two Greek words, men, is mean month, and pausis, to mean stop. So, no more the blood. There you go. You better get pills for blood come back. You start to look... old"

    Poppy xo

  29. Glad to have found your blog, Suzan ~ you're hilarious and dang, wish I couldn't relate! :)


Due to a large amount of spam ( that I'm tired of going back to posts and deleting ) I'll be using comment moderation from now on !!!
Can I beat these spammers at their own game? Probably not - but I'm going
to try my damnedest !!!