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Friday, November 2, 2012

It's "Be Kind to a Menopausal Women day"!!!


Trust me - you'll all need some advice on this one when it happens to you -
I can tell you without a doubt I had no idea what to expect - other than hot flashes - so here's a little of my expertise on the subject - and some advice for husband's too.

There are days you're going to look in the mirror and want to cry uncontrollably at that ugly woman looking back at you - this WILL happen ( even if you're the most gorgeous woman on the planet - this will most definitely happen to you  )
Solution?
Immediately get some drop cloths and cover every single mirror for a day or two - because for some sick reason on those particular days - when you can't believe who is staring back at you - you'll feel an uncontrollable urge to KEEP going back to the mirror in disbelief - if you are out on those days simply walk and stare at traffic - DO NOT window shop - because you'll risk the chance of seeing yourself in store windows. It helps if you're a DIY'er because we always have drop cloths laying around ( unless of course we've reupholstered everything in sight with them ) if you do not have any, Home Depot's are quite reasonable.
Advice for husband:
Tell her she's gorgeous.  Tell her it's all in her head.  Tell her you're still in awe of her beauty.
Repeat if necessary.



There are days when you will want to lash out at anybody and everybody that crosses your path - even nuns and priests and pastors - this WILL happen ( even if you're the sweetest woman on the planet - this will most definitely happen to you ) 
Solution?
Lock every door that has access to the outside world - even if you have an uncontrollable urge to step outside - DON'T DO IT - this goes for the phone too - do. not. answer. it. when. it. rings.
These are the days when you must take a vow of silence - for yourself - but mostly for the rest of the world - they don't deserve it.
Advice for hubby:
Stay in the basement for as long as possible - and stay BUSY - this is not - I repeat NOT the time for her to catch you being idle.

source



There are days when you'll want to take your head and smash it repeatedly into the wall just because you can't find your tweezers to remove the hair growing on your chin. this WILL happen ( even if you feel you can't take pain at all - this will most definitely happen to you  ) 
Solution?
Carry a pillow with you on those days, at all times.  Strap it to your forehead somehow. And by the way there's multiple reasons why you may want to smash your head into the wall - it's not always because of tweezers - so be alert to those reasons.
Advice for hubby:
Do not lay on all the pillows - leave one free. Always.

source


On the other hand there are days when you'll want to take the frying pan you're using to cook supper with and bring it down on your better half's head - this WILL happen to you ( even if you love cooking with a passion AND abhor violence ) just because he innocently asks " hmmm - smells good - what's for supper?"
Solution?
EAT OUT - unless of course those days coincide with the " lashing out " days - then you HAVE to order in - 
but you must get out of the kitchen - immediately.
Advice for hubby:
Learn to cook.
Quickly.

source



There are days when you'll be soaking in the bath - and stare at disbelief at what has happened to your body.  This WILL happen - ( even if you were blessed with a Raquel Welch type of body ) when you'll be tempted to lift your leg out of the water and stare in horror at what has happened to your knees. ( and yes, knees WILL wrinkle ) 
Solution?
Take showers for awhile
Advice to hubby:
Tell her how sexy her legs are - 
Ignore the hair.

source


And this goes with the above - there are days when you'll be moisturizing after your bath/shower and be mortified at what has happened to your skin. This WILL happen ( even if you were blessed with firm tight skin for most of your life - you're now in your 50's ) when you notice it moves just a little too much in your hands.
Solution?
Do not moisturize that day - get out of the bathroom immediately - you may scratch yourself raw but you
won't die from it.
Advise to hubby:
Marvel at how her skin is still like a baby's
Caress it - you may scratch yourself raw from it but you won't die from it.

source


There are days when all you'll want to eat is chocolate - or chips - or ice cream - or cookies - or arsenic and for some reason those days will mostly always coincide with the days when you're most horrified by what has happened to your waist line. This WILL happen ( even for health nuts who would not touch any of that normally ) 
Solution?
Eat any and all of it - 
You've earned it.
( except for the arsenic - you must definitely stay clear of that - it's far too bitter )
Advice for hubby:
Bring home chocolate. Keep extra in the trunk just in case.
There are days when you won't have a bra on and you'll have to run down the hall to get something ( the phone if it's not your vow of silence day ) and you'll hear a noise much like the clapping of hands.  It WILL happen (  even if they're itsy bitsy teeny weeny ones - they'll still hang low - and they'll wobble to and fro ) 
Solution?
Always cross your arms in front of your chest tightly when running
Or always wear a bra - ( unless you don't mind the sound of applause )
Advice to hubby:
Whistle when it happens - a low wolf like whistle
Sound as genuine as possible


There are days when'll you'll wake up and your husband will say - I could barely sleep with  how loud you were snoring - do not call him a liar - even if you know without a doubt that you do not snore - because eventually you'll come to a point when a foreign noise in the night wakes you up - and you jump up in bed ready to nudge him to get him to roll over and realize that the NOISE HAS COME FROM YOU. This WILL happen - ( even though this takes a very long time to admit even to ourselves )
Solution?
There is none - how many years has he woken you up with his nightly noises?
Payback's an itch sweetheart. Scratch it and live with it.
Advice to hubby:
LIVE WITH IT.

source

There are days when you'll slip into a cute little black shift - and still feel sexy - do NOT get a mirror and stand in front of another mirror to get a rear view.......................because even if you're content with what you see overall - there'll be 2 elbows staring back at you that do not belong on your body. This WILL happen (even if you've lifted weights your entire life - elbows refuse to stay in shape - they're funny like that)
Solution?
Stop staring looking at rear view reflections.  Just stop it from here on in.  If the front looks great then simply run with it.
DO NOT get your elbows tatooed - it will only draw attention to something you want to undermine
Advise to hubby:
Never, as long as you live, mention her elbows.


There are days when you won't be able to do anything with your hair at all - when you won't even remember how to manoeuvre a blow dryer - when your hair will be too limp or too greasy - or too straight or too curly or too long or too short - this WILL happen to you - in fact it'll even happen to Jennifer Aniston.
Solution?
This is one of the easy ones - make a hairdresser your new BFF
Advice to hubby:
Tell her she looks younger with her hair like "that" - whatever "that" may be.

source

And this one is a HUGE one - there will be days when the sweat threatens to blind you as it drips into your eyes - when your glasses will slide off your nose - when your hands will be too clammy to hold anything.
This WILL happen ( even if you live in the North Pole in an igloo - with no fire going )
Solution?
Have a portable fan ready at all times - have 2 or 3 of them actually in case one breaks - ALWAYS make sure you have back up on this.
Advice to hubby:
Cover yourself up like a cocoon when she opens the window in the middle of the winter because you'll risk getting pneumonia - but NEVER tell her she's wrong - or that the house is cold while she's in the midst of sweating.


source
There are days when your scale won't work - this happens quite a lot unfortunately to menopausal woman - it's erratic and all over the place from one day or one week to the next.  This WILL happen to you ( even if you've been a skinny b#%& all your life.
Solution
Throw it out - it's a piece of garbage - and it ALWAYS mistakenly adds pounds on to it for some reason.
Unless you can find one of these
Advice to hubby:
Mention at least once a week that it looks like she's losing weight.



And lastly, there are days when all of the above may happen in the span of 24 hours - DON'T PANIC.
Solution?
Cover yourself from head to toe ( joggers and long sleeve t-shirt preferably ) cover the mirrors - get yourself some ice cream and chocolates - remember to strap the pillow to your forehead and lock yourself in the bathroom.
Advice to hubby:
Book a room for the night - it isn't safe for  you to stay home

And a few other tidbits:
 - If you haven't learned how to laugh at yourself yet - learn now- you are going to need to be able to do this.
 - Let yourself cry - it's a great moisturizer.
 - Have several pairs of reading glasses placed strategically around the house -
 - NEVER run out of Advil ( extra strength )
 - Do not walk into card stores for at least 2 years - you will find yourself crying uncontrollably over the sentiments.
 - Take guilt free naps whenever you need to.
 - Put yourself first - this won't be easy - in fact it's probably a complete foreign thought - but this may be the
first and last time in your life you'll be able to do so.  DO SO.
 - Stock up on Post It's - and write notes - lots of them - on every single thing you have to do each day -
if you run out of them - write on your hands ( if they're not too clammy ) if you have to   - but make notes.
 - Have at least a dozen spare keys made
 - Please please please learn how to forgive yourself - be kind to you - you're the only you you've got.
( and a lot of others are waiting around the corner for you to return to normal )

And trust me on this as well   
THIS TOO SHALL PASS.........................( or so they tell me ) 
oh and no matter how hard it may be?
be kind to menopausal women. ( they know not what they do ) 


P.S. a few people have asked me where I " found " the above - I wrote every single word because
I'm actually living every word and so if you would like to use it for any reason - I don't mind at all - but please put my blog as your source out of courtesy!
My words are my diamonds - I can lend them out - but I'm not giving them away......................too much time and effort goes into this :) and from what I hear there's a LOT of content theft going around in our little world.  I make sure to " source " images and or content ALWAYS - no matter how time consuming it may be. It's important, it's honest and it's the right thing to do..............................

source


Sweating my way over to the following parties!

I should be mopping the floor
http://www.ishouldbemoppingthefloor.com/2012/11/mop-it-up-monday-41.html
Coastal Charm
http://linda-coastalcharm.blogspot.ca/2012/11/nifty-thrifty-tuesday-no138.html
PJH Designs
http://pjhdesignsoneofakind.blogspot.ca/2012/11/transformed-tuesday-13-features.html
Kathe with an E
http://www.kathewithane.com/2012/11/youre-gonna-love-it-week-29.html
Home Stories A to Z
http://homestoriesatoz.com/tutorials/tutorials-tips-link-party-84.html
My Uncommon Slice of Suburbia
http://myuncommonsliceofsuburbia.com/tuesdays-treasures-110/
Kammy's Korner
http://www.kammyskorner.com/2012/11/trash-2-treasure-tuesday.html
Not Just a Housewife
http://www.notjustahousewife.net/2012/11/show-me-what-a-got-98.html
A Diamond in the Stuff
http://adiamondinthestuff.blogspot.ca/2012/11/time-to-shine-party-no-93.html
Homework
http://carolynshomework.blogspot.ca/2012/11/the-inspiration-board-link-party-75.html
Elizabeth & Co.
http://elizabethandco.blogspot.ca/2012/11/be-inspired-features-and-link-party-44.html
Uncommon Designs
http://www.uncommondesignsonline.com/uncommonly-yours-link-party-53/
Clean & Scentsible
http://www.cleanandscentsible.com/2012/11/the-creative-spark-no-65.html
Savvy Southern Style
http://www.savvysouthernstyle.net/2012/11/wow-us-wednesdays-91.html
In the Old Road
http://intheoldroad.blogspot.ca/2012/11/all-star-block-party-23.html
Adorned from Above
http://www.adornedfromabove.com/2012/11/wednesday-adorned-from-above-link-party.html
Have a daily cup with Mrs. Olson
http://jannolson.blogspot.ca/2012/11/share-your-cup-thursday-32.html
Beyond the Picket Fence
http://bec4-beyondthepicketfence.blogspot.ca/2012/11/under-100-linky-party.html
Embracing Change
http://staceyembracingchange.blogspot.ca/2012/11/creative-inspirations-linky-party_7.html
Katherine's Corner
http://katherinescorner.com/2012/11/08/thursday-favorite-things-blog-hop-61/
At the Picket Fence
http://www.atthepicketfence.com/2012/11/its-inspiration-friday-no-89-welcome.html
House TalkN
http://www.housetalkn.com/2013/02/link-partyfebruarys-finding-funny.html

49 comments:

  1. You nailed it, Suz! It really does get better - some days... :0)

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  2. Oh- Yeah- Baby- I resemble that person! It DOES get better-either that or you get so old you don't really care! xo Dana

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  3. Love Love this! Sharing this with my friends! Thanks for taking the time to do this. Misery LOVES (needs) company.

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  4. I have just entered into this lovely state of being... I recently suffered from the lash out phase and it was not pretty....oh no, poor IKEA customer service rep who left me waiting on the phone for 47 minutes certainly got an earful. Oh yah, he got a tongue lashing .... poor soul. Should have mentioned that I was menopausal, might have made him feel better. Normally I would hang up but I had this strange resolve to see it through... to get to that person on the other end that was keeping me waiting. ;)

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  5. If only I could stay away from the office on "lash out" days. Sometimes I bite my tongue so hard I'm afraid I'll bite it off.

    Girl, you nailed it. I'm going to send this to my BFF so she knows what's coming.

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    Replies
    1. LOL - miserable freaking condition isn't it?
      XOX

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  6. I spoke to a client who told me she's been having "issues" for 20 years! And here I thought these things went away- apparently not for everyone ! Hope I will "outgrow"'them. I tend to be a bit "witchy" LOL

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  7. You are right - this too shall pass. I have been there done that and it seemed to last forever...some days - well, we won't discuss that. Hang in there it will get better... may take a while but, it will get better ...

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  8. Don't us women have enough to deal with and then we are thrown this curve ball! Oh yes I am in the Pre-menopause stage right now! I never used to have a bad temper and now the littlest things set me off! I hate that!And we always have chocolate in this house.It is a MUST!!!!
    Oh yes all this is sad and funny too!
    xx
    Anne

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  9. Hi Suzan,

    You crack me up...every time! Boy, can I relate! Although I'm classified as perimenopausal, I do tend to send my sweatshirt soaring into space, then, good luck trying to find it, as the glasses have slid off my sweating face, at which point the swearing starts, and the only way to shut myself up is to shove spoonfuls of sweetness into my cursing mouth at the speed of sound! It's a never ending circle and I've been walking around it for a few years now...somebody SAVE me!!

    Poppy

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  10. Haha. This cracked me up. And, FYI, yes, this stage does pass, but then one is thrust into the 'elderly and irrelevant' stage. No fun!

    Drink lots of cold water and stay away from sugar and caffeine...from one who knows. :-)

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  11. He he he he. I'm over that! nah nah nah nah nah nah ~ Maureen
    ps - When you get over it the prize is you get to be old.

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  12. This is so humorous and scary at the same time! Can some of us escape it, or not? Since I was not the type of woman who screamed and swore at her husband during childbirth, I thought maybe, just maybe I could avoid some of the crabbiness associated with menopause.

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  13. Oh so true. My doctor has me on a medication that has really helped with the symptoms, including hot flashes...I don't get them anymore! I remember asking my mom a number of years ago when they stop...she was in her early 70's at the time and she said she still gets them! Not as bad, but they're there. Terrific, just what I needed to hear. (but does this mean I have to take this stuff for the rest of my life??) I feel for you Suzan, but have to say I'd rather be a woman than a man, lol.
    Debbie :)

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  14. This is hysterical! The 'applause' line made me literally laugh out loud. What a hoot!

    My knees are already gone (wrinkled like an elephant) and I refuse to look at my elbows. How wonderful that it's only going to get worse. ;)

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  15. Low energy, dragging my arse around all day, craving sugar and sweating up a storm. I have never felt so ugly!!!! I can't remember the last time I went shopping for clothes - I keep trying to lose weight but its stuck. Drives me crazy! Thanks for sharing the grief. Patty/BC. ps. I try to find something to laugh about every day, it helps.

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    Replies
    1. And there ARE things to laugh about every day lol - they're definitely are!
      Hugs,
      Suzan

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  16. Every day should be "be kind to menopausal women" day - we deserve it for what our bodies (and minds) put us through. Thanks for the chuckle!!

    As someone recently said to me - enjoy the view in the mirror, it's the best you'll look for the rest of your life (what looks bad at 50, looks great at 80)

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  17. I have nothing to say. No witty or clever comment. Probably because if it wasn't all so true I would of died laughing.

    Bliss
    (And the elbow being funny comment was not lost on me).

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  18. Hi Suzan!!!

    As my mom warned my husband and two adult sons, as she is laughing her head off:

    MEN O PAUSE

    MEN should pause before saying or doing anything while the woman of the house is going through menopause.

    I totally agree!!!

    Pam
    Have a great weekend!!
    Hope storm Sandy will be kind to you :)
    xox

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  19. Men o Pouse..that's a good one! I turned 60 Oct. 20th., so I'm not menopausal anymore..plus, I never really suffered much at all, didn't even notice it..it came and went, lol..Your post cracked me up good and the applause line, just terrific..after the hurricane I sure needed this, you see, I am originally from NY, but I'm very happy my family there is fine and so is my fam. from NJ.
    I'm also a happy new follower pretty Suzan. Have a fun weekend and thank you for your sweet visit.
    FABBY

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  20. Hi Suzan,
    Nice to meet you! Isn't memopause great, ugh! Anyway, thanks for the sweet comments about my blog. I am your newest follower, too!

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  21. Ha ha ha ha!!!!! You are HILARIOUS!!!! You crack me up!!!!! I'm not there yet... don't hate me, but I have several of those symptoms already.. eeek!!! Sounds a lot like PMS with hot flashes! Love ya girl!!

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  22. Suzan, You had to make that up. I couldn't find this on Google. (grin) But I like the idea. You think Hallmark has cards for this holiday ? I started having hot flashes earlier this year. All I could think was "CRAP! this is what they were talking about!" But soon after, I hurt my neck and the medication the doctor gave me somehow stopped the flashes. I mistakenly thought that hot flashes stopped after a year. My GYN kindly told me recently that they can continue for years. Oh, great. And I've been so forgetful this year.... I didn't realize this could be a symptom. I thought I was having early alzheimers ! Whew! Thanks so much for sharing the laughs with us. Love it !

    patty

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  23. Every day should be "be kind to menopausal women" day - we deserve it for what our bodies (and minds) put us through. Thanks for the chuckle!!
    I love your blog . You have a new follower from chile

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    Replies
    1. Thank you SO much - there should also maybe be a " be kind to the partner of a menopausal woman " day - lol - they go through it with us after all.
      XOX

      Delete
  24. This is hilarious! I vote we have this every day! OMG, I know all too well about Hot Flashes and mood swings! This is the ring of fire Johnny Cash was singing about- burning from the inside out! Five years, for me, but who's counting? Probably everyone I know is counting too! LOL!

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  25. Maybe I should print this off for my husband?!?! LOL
    Have a great week!!!
    ~Des

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  26. This is fabulous - thanks for the laughs. You're a talented woman and you nailed it! Very, very well written. :)

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    Replies
    1. thanks so much Betty - don't know how talented I am though - just going through it lol

      Delete
  27. I....CAN....NOT....STOP....LAUGHING...!!!!!! LOLOLOL! Oh my gosh, Suzan! YOU, my dear, are the new Erma Bombeck!!!! Can't write anymore right now. The tears are streaming down my sweaty face and running into the snot dripping out of my nose from laughing so hard.....


    xoxoxo laurie

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  28. oh my gosh, that is sooooo good, you should get paid for this,

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  29. Oh my1 I laughed so hard! This is so funny!
    LOVE your solutions!

    You are one talented writer!
    hugs ~ Crystelle
    http://www.crystelleboutique.com

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    Replies
    1. lol - thanks so much Crystelle - NOT a fun time!!!
      XOX

      Delete
  30. Oh, I'm so glad I stumbled upon this today!!!! And, THANK YOU for giving us permission to share (I'm a member of a private mb group & I can't wait to share it with my friends there...& I will most definitely list your blog as "my source"!)!! Thanks, again!!

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    Replies
    1. thanks so much Scrappy Mama - loving the name lol
      Share!!!! My pleasure!
      Hugs,
      Suzan

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  31. You are awesome, Suzan--you hit my funny bone hard today!

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  32. ps--I just sent a link to my husband and told him to file it away for future reference :)

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  33. Yes, been there and some still going on. Fun post.

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  34. Ha, ha ha!! As someone who is just entering the "Big M" I appreciate the humorous advice. Yes, I've felt like biting people's heads off and/or crying for no apparent reason - now I know why! And yes, I'll be sure to keep lots of chocolate handy at all times! :)

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    Replies
    1. LOL - good luck honey, you're going to need it!
      ( and chocolate of course )
      xxx

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  35. This is SO HILARIOUS! And TRUE! Made me smile.

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    Replies
    1. lol - thanks Barbara - yeah - sadly it IS true, every word, tee hee
      xox

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  36. Sounds like you are right in the middle of menopause when every day yields a new surprise. The good news is you are not alone. Thank goodness for people like you who see the humor in it.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Lulu, for " getting it " lol
      XOX

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  37. Great blog post--- I have had every one of these symptoms for the past 2 years. Humor is the only thing that gets me through it. Thanks for sharing the laughs.

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  38. Hi Suzan,
    this is so funny and so true. I have been dealing with this for about 6 years, though it seems like forever. Even after a hysterectomy it is still like that. (they didn't take my ovaries) I must show this to my husband.
    Thanks so much for sharing at Wednesday's Adorned From Above Link Party.
    Debi @ Adorned From Above
    www.adornedfromabove.com

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    Replies
    1. Poor guys have it worse than us lol
      Thanks Debi!!!
      And 6 years fills me with dread - someone once told me they were in they're 2nd menopause in their 70's - good grief!

      Delete
    2. Too too funny Suzan! I have had nothing but menopausal bliss. lol! Oh, I do have a hot flash now and then. I was blessed with good menopausal genes passed down from my mother. We don't go through it until our middle 50's and really haven't had it too bad. I consider myself to be VERY blessed. Especially when I hear of what others go through. Thanks for sharing your creative story with Share Your Cup. I hear you about giving credit where credit due.
      Hugs,
      Jann

      Delete

Due to my inbox looking like a scene from a Hoarder's episode ( yes I hoard comments ) I'll now be replying directly on my blog - nice and clean like !!!
Much love, Suzan