Wednesday, May 25, 2016

LIAR, LIAR ( s )

Good morning everyone :)

I've been posting so seldom that I've forgotten how to get into the rhythm of the whole thing - and then yesterday - BAM - I had something to blog about.
And warn you about.

But first I need to explain that I'm an IKEA expert - I really am.
Bring me home cabinets - bookcases - and I'll have them assembled and loaded within an hour - it's true that - braggadocious as that may seem ( hey I like that word ! That's the first time I've ever used it in a sentence but I'm going to start using it once a day :)

Sooooo when I saw this from the above mentioned store I jumped on it.

It's a larger version of the bed netting that they sell and which I've assembled a few in my lifetime - piece of cake really..............

PINTEREST
I thought it would make a great little area for the kids to have picnics - or babies to nap etc.....
And that's where I went wrong.
If I could just look at something in a store and think " Oh how pretty " and walk away but N.O.
I always think " oh how pretty - I MUST have it "

I tried to set it up the night I brought it home but I was tired and so I left it for a week or so and then there was all the setting up in the backyard - cleaning - organizing - summer furniture to wash and install ..........finally I was ready.


10 minutes at most.........thread a few bars through the top and run outside and hang it up.
The man in the illustration did it all by himself and I wanted to surprise John.
B.U.T.
That man in the illustration is a liar.
I don't like to call people that ( well except when I do ) and I'm not accusing Ikea of lying - not at all
but they should be more careful of their illustration people because this guy is just an out and out liar.
Lying Illustration Man - to be referred to as LIM from here on in.


First of all unless he's 9 feet tall he's not holding it like that ( and he looks like he's on the short side in my humble opinion AND I don't like his haircut - he looks like a lego man )
So I improvised and hung it up before starting
( I bet some of you sewers could whip that up into a wedding dress quicker than I was able to put this freaking thing together )
Even hanging up it would have trailed across the entire kitchen floor and yet the LIM simply dangled it from arm's length.


Anyway I got it up and proceeded to thread the bars across.................
JESUS HOW HE WEPT - HAIL MARY FULL OF GRACE - OUR FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN
I can't recall - seriously - I just can't recall when I've wanted to take an item I've bought and rip it into shreds - then stamp on it - spit on it - swear at it - throw it in the garbarge - and then open the lid and spit on it one last time.
Which is what I should have done.

BUT that LIM was such a great con artist that he had me believing I could do this.


Do you see that smallest arrow in the inset photo?
It shows the slit being in the middle of the hem - MIDDLE................
I spent at least 20 minutes trying to find it before giving up and assuming it was faulty and they just hadn't made the openings.
So I made them with a steak knife.
Listen - it's all I had around me ( I was working in the kitchen ) it was that or plunge it into my heart in frustration.
I then proceeded to push the bars through............5 minutes left until I'd have this pretty number set up under a tree in the garden !


But this proved to be more awkward than the LIM showed and at one point one of those bars came dangerously close to going through the kitchen hutch..........


And so I took it into the living room and hung it from the ceiling light and just to give you perspective we have tall ceilings and still it draped a couple of feet onto the floor ( remember the above arms in the photo? )
Anyway I hung it from the ceiling and stood on the coffee table when I heard a loud crack.........

Oh no.........
My coffee table ( trunk ) split ............#^$*!@&^%$
John will kill me !


But I didn't have time to worry about that..............so I ran and got a ladder and set it up and once again proceeded to thread the bars through the carefully slashed openings I made with the steak knife.


Until I noticed they were hanging kind of limply.
That's when I discovered that the bars had magically found the correct openings ( WHICH WERE NOT ON THE SIDE BUT UNDERNEATH - THAT LIM AGAIN ) and slid themselves through somehow - so half were in the slats and half were dangling on the OUTSIDE.

I started over...........using the correct slats and glanced over at the clock - I was now approaching an hour when the phone rang.
It was John - asking if I needed something - A BREAK !
I asked him to pick up bread ( because that would give me an extra 15 minutes - which was all I needed after all !


Those are not huge knitting needles - those are the last step in the process
I rested them on a bar stool because they kept falling on the floor and then the fabric would come dangerously close to " unthreading " ( new word - feel free to use it if you find yourself in the same scenario ).
Notice the angle?
They have to be bent to attach each other and form a circle.............
But the LIM is simply standing there very easily sliding them into each other and presto - done.


I couldn't do it.
I simply couldn't do it.
I put the ladder underneath the canopy and worked from the inside thinking that would help but ended up with the freaking thing all wrapped around me with me frantically trying to claw my way out of it..........screaming in frustration.
And John walked through the door.

John says - WHAT IN GOD'S NAME?
Suzan says - HELP ME !!!!!!!!
Suzan says - I CAN'T STAND IT
John says - WHAT THE HELL IS IT ?
Suzan says - IT'S A CANOPY
John says - IT'S A WHAT-WHAT???
Suzan says - I'M HYPERVENTILATING - HELP ME OUT OF HERE

He got the fabric untangled and I stepped down from the ladder - grabbed the thing and threw it across the room.

John says - ONLY IN THIS HOUSE.........I CAN GUARANTEE YOU THIS WOULD ONLY HAPPEN IN THIS HOUSE !
Suzan says - Do you think you can help me?  I bought it for you !
John says - I'm not going in that thing - are you nuts?
John says - What'll happen when it's windy?  It'll wrap itself around us like mummies for God's sake.
John says - Don't you EVER think things through?
John says - I'll help you later - I have emails to send.

But I couldn't wait.
And I'm not sure exactly what happened - but the way it landed on the floor when I threw it across the room was the perfect position for me to connect the last pieces !

AND THE LIM NEVER ILLUSTRATED THAT !!!!!!!!!!!!!

I ran outside and hung it from a tree


Then put the kettle on and called John to come downstairs.

John says - I'm sending emails - is it important?
Suzan says - I'm making tea - we can have it outside

John came downstairs - took a look at it - and burst out laughing


John says - I'm not sitting in that thing I can tell you that
John says - It looks like something out of Lawrence of Arabia
John says - I'm not sitting in that thing
Suzan says - You're repeating yourself again.
John says - The birds are going to shit all over it you know.
John says - First big wind and it'll be ripped to shreds
John says - The squirrels will have holes in it by tonight
Suzan says - Don't you have emails to send or something????

It's summertime and the livin' is easy
Fish are jumping and the cotton is high
One of these mornings I'm going to rise up singing ( I swear I am )



Just wait till you hear our pool story...........good grief.
Have a wonderful day everyone - I'm going to sit in my tent and contemplate life.

Hugs to all of you -
Love
Me


LOOKING FOR INSPIRATION?
JOIN ME AT THESE FABULOUS PARTIES !

SHABBY ART BOUTIQUE







45 comments:

  1. ***Gigglesnorts*** I can so perfectly see the scene when John walked in the door!!

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  2. Well Suzan. That was quite the 'easy' (NOT) project from IKEA!! You have to admit it does look pretty hanging in your pretty, sheltered yard. Can you see that hanging from a tree in our yard? The bottom of it would be wound around the trunk and up into the branches here with all the wind we get. And we have earwigs. That would be a nightmare. Sigh. I love the idea and it looks lovely in your yard. I hope you and John enjoy it. A lot!! Especially after all the hard work you had getting it assembled. :) Oh, and the grandkids will love the magical fairy tent. xx Pam

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    1. Well today it was pretty windy and it looked like it was going to take off in flight LOL !
      It would work best in a more sheltered area for sure...........but it's staying ( until the squirrels destroy it I suppose ! )
      You reminded me of the first time I saw an earwig......I thought it was a cockroach ( had never seen a cockroach either ) went out of my mind ballistic !
      Thanks Pam!!!
      xox

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  3. Sorry Suzan, but I'm with John on this one. I don't see the usefulness of it as it looks like you've already let all the bugs in that you planned to use it to keep out. Can't wait to see the wedding gown you make with it!

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    1. It's NOT supposed to be useful - it's supposed to be pretty - sheesh - I'm shaking my head here Sharon LOL !!! I very seldom buy useful things lol.
      XOX

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  4. Jesus, Mary and Joseph! It is so romantic. I love it. I couldn't have done it. It took me three hours to put together a bathroom five tier shelf from Bed Bath and fricking Beyond.
    Kudos to you!

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    1. Well you made me laugh out loud Laura !!!
      Thanks XOX

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  5. OMG! I laughed so hard at your story. I could feel your pain and frustration. I don't know who makes up instructions for items that have to be built but your LIM must have been the same guy that wrote the instructions for my bbq. Frustration ran high putting that thing together.
    Happy contemplating.

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    1. You're not going to believe this Paula - but I set up a complicated bbq once in less time than this freaking thing took me !!!
      I seriously wanted to rip it into shreds at one point LOL !
      xox

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  6. Such an adventure but it turned out adorable. I think I want one now! IKEA should give you some advertising commission because after all that work your little covered area looks so inviting! Summer is finally here!

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    1. Okay but here's the deal Debbie - if you set it up in a few minutes I DON'T WANT TO KNOW lol !!!
      XOXO

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  7. Oh yes, I love that tent. I have it as well, got it last year at IKEA!!!! Pinned...here is mine:
    http://littlebrags.blogspot.com/2015/08/my-cozy-outdoor-spaces.html

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    1. I just went to look - it looks beautiful on your deck !!!
      xox

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  8. LOL! I love it! Sorry, but your stories keep me in stitches. I can picture myself in there contemplating life. Just tell John that he will thank you later, when he doesn't get the Zika virus from mosquito bites.

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    1. Mosquitoes don't go near him - I sit out for half an hour and I'm covered in welts - him? Nada - not even one !
      So he won't be thanking me at all Laurie LOL !
      Thanks though :)
      xoxo

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  9. This is the most I have smiled and really really laughed reading a blog of yours. I loved it!!!
    I know it wasn't funny for you to put this hanging net together, but thank you so much for sharing it in such a humorous fashion. You tell the best "real" stories...hurry back, with the pool story.

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    1. OMG - the freaking pool story - you won't believe what idiots we are !
      Thanks Bonnie !
      xoxo

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  10. OMG - I am so glad that you finally got the drape fixed and put up. I hate when things don't go together, I just want to throw it out in the street and run over it. LOL

    Waiting to hear about the pool.
    Have a good one.
    Mary

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    1. Well I came really close to tossing it in the garbage let me tell you Mary LOL
      XOXO

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  11. I am waiting with bated breath for the pool story now. Yeah, my husband would also refuse to have tea under that, but I think it looks lovely.

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    1. The pool story takes the cake - really it does LOL
      Thanks !
      XOX

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  12. What a beautiful tent! I am afraid of it though! -Marci @ Stone Cottage Adventures

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    1. Thanks Marci - be afraid - be very afraid LMHO !
      xox

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  13. I can always count on you for a good old fashioned belly laugh - seriously, I was holding my side from laughing so hard! I was at Ikea yesterday, and actually put this in my cart, then took it out at least three times, before finally putting it back when my shopping buddy reminded me that I have no place to hang it in my garden. Besides, I already have a pale pink one I bought from Target several years ago, so I guess I really didn't need it. You should set up a camera & record yourself next time - the footage would be priceless!!!!

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    1. LOL Lala !
      Now that it's up and blowing around in the air I'm kind of wishing I'd left it at the store too !
      Recording myself would leave John proof and he'd use it to have me committed - I'm too afraid to do that !
      XOX

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  14. Hahahahahahah!!!! Oh Suzan, I split my sides reading this! I have had a few run-ins with Mr.LIM as well and if I ever get my hands on him, he better watch out! And that reaction...stomping.. spitting.. swearing..repeat...been there, done that! My husband and I nearly got divorced putting the cot together! But on the bright side, the canopy looks so so pretty and ethereal! I'd sit under it with you and have a cup of tea and bitch about LIM in a heartbeat! Well done on putting it together! xx Rani

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    1. LOL thanks Rani !
      We'll make it a glass of wine maybe, okay?
      xoxo

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  15. You're BACK, Susan!!!!! Too funny! I would have packed that thing up and returned it, slits and all!
    But it does look cute!

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    1. I'm back and crazier than ever Gail LOL !
      Thanks !
      xox

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  16. OMG...I laughed so hard, I kept losing my place and had to start all over again...so so funny...
    and it is the absolute cutest thing i've ever seen....I love it...and wouldn't buy one for nuthin'...if you had that freaky time getting it together, no telling what kind of time I would have...it is so adorable...and if it's ok, I am going to steal a pic and link it to you over on my blog...too funny for my friends to miss....xoxo

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    1. Steal away girlfriend - mi blogga es tu blogga LOL !
      You're too funny - thanks B.J. !!!
      xox

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  17. I honestly laughed out loud... I was snickering until you got to John entering and saying something about being "wrapped like mummies" and then I did LOL! You really should be writing comedy or doing stand-up!
    P.S. missed you

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    1. LOL - thanks so much Julie !
      I've missed you guys too.......not even sure what happened but I think I have my mojo back :)
      XOX

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  18. Oh Suzan, I can just picture it. I bet the darn thing would have wrapped itself around me until I was all trussed up like spider bait. Well, it looks great now, but I think I will stay far, far away from it and LIM.
    :-D Cecilia

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    1. I didn't even mention that I almost fell off the ladder at one point - it starts sounding unbelievable at some point LOL !
      Thanks Cecilia
      XOXO

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  19. Oh you are my hero! But listen don't you think fairy lights in the there all twinkling, of course maybe a real fairy might magically appear and help you!xxxxx

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    1. Why yes Mary Anne - actually I do - thanks for the idea - I'm going to do that tomorrow !
      You're the best
      xoxo

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  20. I LOVE IT!!!! And I'm glad you posted this hysterical story to give me a good giggle first thing in the morning!

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  21. Haha. I love you. I have that same thing. I love it but it's a pain in the patootie.

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  22. That is quite the story, Suzan, but you did it and it looks amazing! I just read the comment above, and YES! Fairy lights! John's comments sound exactly like what my hubs would say - ever the practical ones, aren't they? Can't wait to hear the pool story!

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  23. You are absolutely hilarious! And I mean peeing in my pants funny. Thanks for the laugh and I'm glad you got "the thing" up LOL

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  24. Suzy, you had me in stiches! I thought those things only happen to me...

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  25. So totally hilarious, Suzan! My husband would be with John on not sitting in it too. One thing is for sure though. If it survives long enough for your grands to come over, they will love it! It IS a tent, after all.

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Due to a large amount of spam ( that I'm tired of going back to posts and deleting ) I'll be using comment moderation from now on !!!
Can I beat these spammers at their own game? Probably not - but I'm going
to try my damnedest !!!
xoxo