I grew up ( brace yourself for this one - it's ugly ) thinking PEE was supposed to be yellow,
Not clear !
And I can tell you, in all honesty, that I never once looked in the bowl and thought that it was too deep a shade of yellow either - I simply did what I had to do - gave a quick flush and ran out to play with my Mother yelling out in the background " I didn't hear the water running - did you wash your hands ?"
( the answer was usually no - but I survived that too )
What I mean is there was no thought process involved with going pee - and that's how it should have stayed.
I'm obsessed - and I really didn't need another obsession.
I'm constantly checking the color and fretting over the depth or degree of the shade that swirls around my toilet bowl before I send it out into the great " Pee Patch "
I actually run downstairs and grab a bottle of water if I feel it's in order -
GOT. TO. TONE. THAT. COLOR. DOWN.
Which brings me to the next thing.
Water in a bottle.
The greatest scam since someone sold the Brooklyn bridge to a naive buyer.
I had a girlfriend whose Mother-in-law refused to drink water from the tap - said she could always taste the difference.
One afternoon while I was visiting - her MIL came in and grabbed a bottle from the fridge - gulped it down - looked at me and said " There's no denying it - bottled water tastes so much better "
I didn't have the heart to tell her that I had just watched my girlfriend refilling those water bottles an hour earlier - from the kitchen faucet.
Have you noticed there aren't any public drinking fountains any more? Not here anyway.
That was OUR source of drinking water as kids...............we didn't have to worry about carrying bottles around with us when we went out to play - we just stood in line and awaited our turn - and then took long gulps from a PUBLIC fountain. ( sometimes shooting some out at a friend - oh the germs, how they flew )
Fountains were everywhere - parks - schools - shopping centers - bus stations - anywhere, actually, where the need to quench our thirst was required.
Now I don't go anywhere without a bottle of water in my purse.
I have a fear of feeling a little
( is this the time to admit I can remember drinking it from a hose in the backyard as a kid too, or is that just too much information ? )
8 glasses a day.
8 glasses a day
8 glasses a day
Last week my Son came by and I asked him if he wanted anything to drink
Just water, he replied
I went to grab a bottle -
Don't bother he said - I'll just take a glass of tap water
Tap water? ( I shrieked )
C'mon Mom - this whole bottled water is a scam - you're always saying so yourself...............
So there you go, sometimes your kids do in fact listen to you
From time to time
Later that night -
Suzan says - John - what color is your pee?
John says - What the hell?
Suzan says - Well it shouldn't be too dark - I'm just letting you know - you've got to be careful
Suzan says - I'm writing up a post on this subject
John says - Do your bloggers want to know what color my pee is?
John says - What the hell kind of a blog are you running now anyway?
Suzan says - Don't be ridiculous - I want to know - it's for your own good.
John says - There's 50 shades of yellow - mine falls somewhere in that frame.
And that may be the first witty thing I've EVER heard John say
The skin on my hands are getting " crepe-y "
I had something in the oven the other night - and lightly scalded the upper part of my hand removing it.
At one time that would have just rendered a little red line - now?
My hand almost went on fire..................my fingers are like kindling - I'm drying out !!!
( maybe I should be drinking 16 glasses of water a day? )
John says - Why don't you ever mash the tea?
Suzan says - Pardon me?
John says - You never mash the tea ...............
Suzan says - What ARE you talking about?
John says - THE TEA, it's always very weak
Suzan says - You may as well be talking Chinese to me John - I have no idea what you're talking about
John says - STEEP the tea..........you always take the teabags out too soon
Suzan says - Why did you call it " mash " then?
John says - You've never heard of mashing tea?
Suzan says - No - the only thing I mash are potatoes -
John shakes his head - Do you see why I had to come to the colonies to help you out?
Suzan says - Be careful John - because right about now I could mash your head with no remorse.
John says - That's bash - not mash - you could bash me over the head
Suzan says - When are you moving back to England?
John says - Not yet - my work here is obviously not done
ALERT - IF YOU'RE SENSITIVE TO SEX ORGANS DO NOT READ THE NEXT PART.
A new email received this week where " George " informed me that he's 65 and gets erections as big as his leg - I'm not joking - I seriously received that this week He does NOT mention the size of his leg however.....................
WHY am I getting all these emails about this crap? I don't care if it's as big as his car
I'm getting paranoid now -
I used to cringe in disgust when I saw them - but you kind of get blase about the whole thing after awhile
At this point I find myself thinking - Oh George - you poor old desperate fool................
John says - Are you visiting those sites maybe - and they're tracking you?
OMG - I have never - NOT ONCE - in my life gone to a porn site - this is some sort of a conspiracy I tell you.
I don't visit sites where people have reached the end of their lives either - and yet I receive lots of these too.
I am Heather Walker,This is my Third Email to you,I am at the end of the road, and about to donate a huge amount through you. I promise that your assistance would be rewarded. Please reply back to me for more information. Remain Blessed
I find the " remain blessed " a nice personal touch - some of them can be so cold, don't you find?
And it's extra sweet considering she's at the end of her road - and reaching out to total strangers to heap tons of money and blessings on them.
But Heather is a liar - this was the first email I received from her - not the third - so I can't even trust
" saintly " people.
But Heather is a liar - this was the first email I received from her - not the third - so I can't even trust
" saintly " people.
The floors in this house are on a slant - and not just in one direction either - some go this way - some go that way.................it's like a freaking " fun " house, seriously.
The only positive thing about them is that I can kind of just roll off the bed and keep rolling to the door.
When we first moved in I would get out of bed and stumble into the wall.
I looked perpetually tipsy.
But you really do learn to roll with it - literally.
Last winter - and only for the winter - we spent 4,800 dollars on heating oil.
We went into a state of shock actually.
But that was when extensive reno's were being done - and back doors were open more than they were closed - and a piece of plywood served as my kitchen window for 2 months.
It's starting to get cold now here in Montreal but I've noticed that every single time I turn the heat on - John turns it off.
John says - It's not necessary - it's not even cold in the house
John says - We're not being hit with heating bills like last winter
Suzan says - But the situation is not the same as last winter's - we actually have a thermal window in the kitchen and doors are closed and weather stripping is everywhere - AND I'M COLD
John says - Put your housecoat on - you live in it anyway
I went downstairs and he was WATCHING HOCKEY IN HIS JACKET !!!!!!!
Suzan says - Well I'm not living like this - are you crazy?
and I put the heat on full blast.
Later in bed
Suzan says - I don't think the heat is working - it's cold again in here
John says - I turned it off - it's not cold at all
Suzan says - IF I'M COLD EVEN WHEN I'M HAVING A HOT FLASH THEN IT'S FREAKING COLD.
John says - We used to sleep with hot water bottles in the bed back in Yorkshire
Suzan says - When are you moving back to England?
Have a wonderful weekend everyone -
The tea is mashing LMAO !!!
I smiled the whole way reading this. :) You're hilarious, and I think you need your own column somewhere. I've never heard of mashing the tea either, by the way...ReplyDelete
My tea is "mashing", too. Enjoyed your blog chat today. I'll still keep drinking my bottled San Pellegrino instead of our tainted local water. You would love the toilets here in The Netherlands. There is a little shelf thingie in the commode basin. So whether you want to or not, you can examine the pee and the poo. Too Much Information!!!!! Yuck!!!! Have a great weekend! Linda@Wetcreek BlogReplyDelete
Oh, Suzan - this one made me laugh like a fool! And give up the bottled water. Use a Brita and fill up nice water containers. I have one that has a frozen insert to keep the water cold which is my favorite way to drink it. Have a great weekend and don't reserve a ticket back to England for John!ReplyDelete
Drink more water! :) I carry water with me on the go, all around the house, etc. I receive those crazy emails too and I don't visit those porn sites. Guess if I were a man I might be interested in some of them. So many crazies out there!ReplyDelete
You should get a thermostat that locks! John couldn't keep turning the heat off ~ :) Did he ever decide when he's moving back to England?
Have a wonderful weekend my friend!
LOL- Mashing, bashing, flashing ...oh wait---did you mention flashing? Something about the housecoat maybe? lolReplyDelete
I get those stupid, stupid ads all the time, too. They are just gross...nothing worse than an old man talking about his penis. lol Well, unless it is an old lady talking about how HIS penis works! lol
I don't drink nearly enough water-but I do swill coffee constantly-does that count? xo Diana
Great way to start my day Suzan!!! You are hilarious. Have a great weekend friend!ReplyDelete
Thanks for the "chat" I've thoroughly enjoyed it.ReplyDelete
Hi Faye - hope all is well !!!Delete
Thanks for coming by and " listening "
you just made my day!ReplyDelete
I always love reading your fun posts, Suzan. Happy Friday! :)ReplyDelete
Awww - thanks SO much Dee !!!Delete
Hope you're having a great weekend
Thanks for the great big belly laugh! Gee, I must be living the wrong kind of life... I NEVER get ads about men's bits & bobs!ReplyDelete
If John went back to England, who would you write about?!?!
Off to drink some water...
I don't like the cold, but I don't like the hot either, and cold is worse. xoxoReplyDelete
Excellent, excellent post! I had to stop eating my lunch while reading this, only because I was laughing so much, I was afraid I'd choke! BTW: You're not alone in your "concerns" with the p issue. . .ReplyDelete
You are so funny and gave me quite a chuckle this morning. Boy, we sure jump on the band wagon when someone states this is good for you. our water is pretty good out, but i do drink the bottled water.ReplyDelete
John is so funny - has a very dry sense of humor. Never a dull moment.
Enjoy your weekend.
LOL. What a crack up of a day. :}ReplyDelete
Thanks once again for brightening up my day with your great 'cents' of humor. :}
Come to Texas. We're having a beautiful day here today but do have a cold front moving in next week but that is one nice thing about Texas; it doesn't stay cold for long.
Have a wonderful and delightful weekend.
I seriously love reading your blog. You aren't afraid to say anything! I love that you keep it real for us....not to mention, you keep me laughing! Thanks so much for sharing your delightful stories with us. Have a fantastically cold weekend. LOL!ReplyDelete
What can I say..Your post are just too much fun to read. Love them. Oh, by the way.. I too am a blessed reader about to get lots of money. Only have to send $79.00 for the paper work to go through. Sounds like a good deal, hun? ...So good to be the blessed one........ReplyDelete
When those emails first started - years and years ago - John almost replied to one of them !!!Delete
I nearly had to break his fingers to stop him LOL !!!
Hope you're having a great weekend Bonnie !
LMAOOL! Truly I did. Felt like a drunk here when I fist moved in, banging into walls, accelerating speed going down the stairs. The kitchen is somewhat straightened now, but I can hardly wait till the visitors start arriving next summer. It will be fun to watch them, especially my sis after a few glasses. 50 shades of yellow, freakin' hilarious! PattyReplyDelete
P.S. I thought you'd like to know, I have gone to sites for "dolls" as in wanting to find out about making cloth dolls, or paper clay dolls.. Well, guess what kind of porn e-mail I have received..(No, I am not interested in videos of "Ladies" of the night)ReplyDelete
Well that just made me laugh my head off - thanks for sharing - I don't feel so alone now LOL !!!Delete
Thank you so much for my laugh of the day,i love you two,have a wonderful weekend.ReplyDelete
Thanks for laughing with me ( or at me - it doesn't matter LOL )Delete
Hope you're having a wonderful weekend too Marlene!
Well, Suzan, I have to tell you that my pee is yellow because I drink almost no water. And I actually think that bottled water tastes better than tap water 😉. My skin is crepey too. Plus, I'm cold all the time, so it's probably best that I live in Nebraska rather than Canada, haha. You are a very fun blogger!!ReplyDelete
Crepey skin is the absolute worst !Delete
It's Creepy LOL
We haven't had any snow here yet - but it's snowed in the provinces east and west to us so I know it's coming -
Isn't Nebraska a 4 season climate also?
I LOVEYS GIRL!!!!
All I ever do is look at my pee!!! When I turned diabetic in '74 at the age of 9 I had to test it 6 times a day. I hated that, but, heavy colour meant you're ok. Light meant too much sugar. trouble was your pee could be over 2 hours old, so, really it was a bad way of telling you what you blood sugars were doing.
It's crazy what we do, but, I think, of course, that we are so much better at discussing these things then men...Way much better!!!
Love the term, "Mashing Tea!!!' Is it because in England they use loose tea and strain it and so therefore they mash it in the strainer? Interesting!!!
Now...The porn site. My son ran into my bedroom where my laptop is and put a piece of hockey black tape on my camera. When my hubby asked what was going on, my son asked if I've received any emails that were different. I had that day, just 1 and let me tell you, I don't think I'll ever get that image out of my head. He also had one and a picture of his head was put on someone else's body on a site. Not good. So now the tape stays up unless my sister calls on Skype. Just dandy!!!
Thoroughly enjoyed reading your blog!!!!
I hope you have a nice warm weekend!!!
Such a good chuckle after a fairly awful day. Brings back some old memories...when I was a kid we lived in Oklahoma one winter in a house with no running water & no gas or oil heaters. We used to heat a brick on the wood burning stove & then wrap it up & put it between the covers at the foot of the bed. I'm still cold from the winters there! LOL Good times! Break out a cozy pair of socks & a nice wool cap, Suzan...the on/off switch may be a losing battle for you. Have a great weekend!ReplyDelete
Oh I'm sorry you had an awful day Nancy.Delete
I've heard of people using warmed bricks back in the day !!!
I slept in pj bottoms last night - first time since I was a kid I think but that's not going to work when it gets cold here lmho -
Hope you're having a great weekend - big hugs,
God, I love your blog, Suzan! 50 shades of yellow, rolling to the door, drying out...it's all hilarious, and all I can say is you better plan a trip to NY soon!ReplyDelete
Couple years ago I'd get emails from those ladies on phone they advertise late at night on less than desirable channels. Started making me wonder if my hubs was using my pc for something I'd have to kill for, lol (not really).ReplyDelete
I haven't been on your blog in ages, I have got to subscribe again, who can't use a few laffs? You two are funnier than Benny Hill. But I love your blog also. Happy weekend you two If you choose to reply please do so to my email address. Thx
LMHO - that's too funny .Delete
And that's the first time in my life - honestly - that I've even been compared to Benny Hill - now that was one funny show !!!
( I hope I'm not the little short man )
Hope your're having a great weekend !
Welcome back !
Where to start? I agree with your son absolutely and refuse to buy bottled water. As you've said, we survived tap water and fountains just fine. One visitor to my house insists of bottled water so I refill a bottle from the tap and he has never noticed. I also agree with John on the heat issue. No matter how miserable I am freezing in the dark, I'm determined to keep the utility bills down. I have noticed that my guests have taken to wearing parkas while here. I try to only entertain menopausal women during the coldest winter months and ply them with wine to make sure they have hot flashes. Last but not least, are we really supposed to believe that you never went on a porn site and enticed that poor man with the oversize organ? Perhaps you should offer to paint it for him.ReplyDelete
John's the one that buys bottled water - I drink it but don't think I'd buy it if it were up to me !Delete
This filling the bottles with tap water makes me LOL every single time I hear it - since I think maybe that's what the companies themselves do lolololol !!!
The heating issue I can't agree with - I like the house to be boiling hot - and then open windows - nonsensical I know - but I'm either freezing or dying of the heat !
I swear to you - on everything holy - I've NEVER been on a porn site LMHO - paint it for him? Paris Grey - my signature color?
Not Paris Grey - go for pink!Delete
BAHAHAHAHAHA. A very entertaining read Suzan!!ReplyDelete
I really don't care what my pee looks like as long as it NEVER tells me again that there's a baby in it. ;)ReplyDelete
LMAO!!! You are freakin hilarious Suzan. Thanks for the laughs this morning. Have a fabulous weekend.ReplyDelete
I used to save water bottles and fill them with tap water that I would put in the fridge. I even ran meetings that way with water bottles filled with tap water. People have seriously gotten crazy these days about bottled water....talk about throwing your money away. Suzan, you have made my Saturday morning .....:)ReplyDelete
John has been witty at least twice in that post... Which might make me fall in love with him, excpet , EXCUSE ME, he drinks tea from teabags??? He CAN'T be English? John, if you ever want to drink real tea from loose tea leaves, you can fly to my Cottage... Wait! Am I trying to steal someone's husband? I may get some very weird email too, now!ReplyDelete
Ah yes - mashing the tea = good, stewing the tea = bad. I'm a coffee drinker (OK I'm an addict really) but sometimes you can't beat a nice cuppa which is why I never drink tea abroad, I don't understand why they just SHOW the water a tea bag and then think it's tea? I like all my drinks strong, my wee not so much...I don't want to go into too much detail but I inspect EVERYTHING. I know I should drink more water but it's hard to manage that and the wine consumption :-DReplyDelete
What's wrong with showing the water a tea bag? I HATE strong tea LMHO !!!Delete
And now that I think of it I don't like any of my drinks strong - even mixed drinks I don't like to taste the alcohol very much ( I just " show " my glass the shot - and then pour in the mix LOL
Oh my gosh, you are my kind of girl! I know I've said this before but your conversations are so similar to the ones my husband and I have. A couple of years ago my husband had a colonoscopy. When he was still in a drug induced state in recovery we were talking...just like y'all...in that "witty" way. The nurse kind of reprimanded me! She said, "You know he's not fully himself yet." I had to explain to her that we've been married a zillion years and we laugh and talk to each other in goofy ways all the time. I don't think she got it. Maybe she's not happily married.ReplyDelete
My dad's 104 year old house was freezing cold too. He lovingly restored those original windows. Yes they are gorgeous but the air comes right through! I hope yours work better.
I worry about pee too. I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be yellow...no I know it's not really supposed to be but it always is. I remember the first time I experienced pee after asparagus. Ay ya ya!! Scared me to death.
Thanks for the laughs today. :)
I love this. Thanks for an entertaining post. Have a great week.ReplyDelete