Friday, August 7, 2015

A Friday Chat ( about this & that )

The below observation is my opinion - and is not necessarily shared by fellow Canadians.

Our television sucks.

Wait - I take that back - our Documentaries are really pretty incredible - but other than that?

Our television sucks.

Most of us watch " American " television because..................well it's superior.

The other night John and I watched a game show.

The concept of the show was all right I suppose - but after sweating their brains out for half an hour the grand prize was a tent.

Let me repeat that - a FREAKING tent.

American game shows send people on holidays to Hawaii or some other beautiful beachy resort - and we get a tent?

" Here you go - now go find yourself a camp ground buddy "

I've seen shows where they win a year's supply of SAUSAGES ..............Oh Canada we can do better than that.  I would have had to fight the urge to whack him in the head with one of them !

It's absolutely pitiful to watch.  And if you didn't know better you'd think you were watching an episode of
SNL ( whose creator - by the way - is a Canadian )
The contestants are always stiff and formal ( and kind of nerdy ) nothing like the people I know anyway.
And the clapping of the audience is " tinny " because there's only 20 or so people sitting in it, I'm sure.

So I went dress shopping this week.

First I HAVE to say that I've never seen this condition on another living soul but I've developed a DONUT on my stomach.

Most people get " tires " - I've literally got a huge donut - with my belly button the hole in the center.

I stood in the dressing room staring at it in fascination.
Then I shed a tear because it means I can absolutely never eat another donut as long as I live.

Here's what my reflection looked like ( because the reflection was far worse than the " real " me )

But it's such a gorgeous dress that I bought it anyway.

John says - Oh - that's a beauty !
John says - Try it on - I'd like to see it !
Suzan says - I'M NOT PUTTING IT ON - LEAVE ME ALONE !!!!!!!
John says - WTH?  What did I say?
John says - Why the hell did you buy it and why is it hanging on the outside of your cupboard door.
Suzan says - It's a reminder..............I can't eat donuts anymore
John says - You're slipping over the edge..............

You know for years and years people always told me I was too skinny
HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW??????????????

We were in the car............and another one pulled up beside us at a red light.
The guy was drinking a coffee in a cup the size of a bucket.

John says - Check out the exhibitionist beside us.

My head whipped over

Suzan says - He's not an exhibitionist !  He's just ridiculous
John says - He IS an exhibitionist !
John says - He's the EPITOME of an exhibitionist !
Suzan says - Well he's not showing his penis or anything

and so we bickered about THAT for a good 5 miles or so.until we got home and he looked it up in the dictionary.....................he's right - crap - I hate it when he's right ( thankfully it's not that often )

I seriously always thought an exhibitionist was someone that showed their private parts.........

And this topic was just a little fluff - you know - filler

Now on to more serious stuff.

Bubble Nails

Have you seen the new trend?
Apparently it's taking the internet by storm
I don't know about you but I'm thinking when we have to walk around with gumdrops growing off the tips of our fingers - we've exhausted all ideas for nails - really - it's just time to admit defeat and go get a French Manicure.

Watch there'll be a movie about it next - like Edward Scissorhands -
it'll be called Edwina Marblehands.........
They look just as lethal to me.

I'm titling this section

Have you ever considered what it would be like to walk into a body - through a giant anus?
What exactly is wrong with you?
Japan has an exhibit where you can do just that.

It makes me want to vomit a little in my mouth.
I find it vile..................

Oh look kids !
You can even see what it produces !

And then Mommy will take you to get bubble nails !!!

At least when North Americans enter a human body - they do it in a dignified manner - through injection -

What tiny little bit of interest I've ever had in science has just flown out the back door.

I had to blow up 144 balloons.
For Ashley's shower.
I didn't have any problems blowing them up - ( because after about 20 of them I ran and got the electric inflater we have for the pool floats - worked like a charm ) but it was tying the knots that killed me.
I don't recall that ever being a problem before but it certainly is fingers looked like
Godzilla's the rest of the night.

John says - 10 balloons or so would have been ok - but no we have to have hundreds
Suzan says - I'm swagging them - so I needed a lot
John says - You're what-what?
I'm not sure if this is a British thing or not - but he always repeats the " WHAT "
Suzan says - swagging-swagging them

I'm halfway through as I type this up ( but I'm typing it up Thursday - so in real time they're finished.
I hope to God anyway.
If I'd waited till I finished tying knots in all of them I wouldn't have been able to type period.
Here's the half.


And since my fingers have been rendered useless I think I may glue a balloon to each fingertip - start a trend

Wish me luck everyone - there's a lot of people coming..................
( and can I just tell you I'm dying a thousand deaths because the downstairs bathroom hasn't been touched and it's a hell hole ?  I might just use the balloons to cover all the walls in there ! )  Would a tent/outhouse be too tacky do you think?  I should have tried to win one on a game show !

Oh !  John just pulled a doozy - just in time for me to sign off with !
He just walked in with some back cushions for the outdoor sofa and loveseat !
Earlier I had been complaining because they're not very thick at all - they'll do for now but they're pretty thin.
Anyway John had told me in the middle of the week that he thought they were fine.
Ok so in he walks tonight and tosses down 2 pillows and with disgust -
John says - You're right - these are complete crap - they should be ashamed of themselves for selling them
Suzan says - You said they were fine!

OMG - I thought I'd die !
They're pillows so they were vacuum packed - of course they were flat !

Suzan says - They're vacuum packed
John says - Where do you come up with these things?
Suzan says - They vacuum pack all their pillows - it saves space
John says - I've never heard of such a thing

I'm still giggling

You can see for yourself - they ARE thin though


Have a wonderful weekend !
Hugs - with just my arms because as you know - my fingers.............but now I'm just repeating myself.


  1. Thanks for the laughs...I needed them this morning! I've heard of a nose exhibit in a museum complete with snot...but a giant anus is pushing! Gross....really gross! And...I have to wonder why? I hope the shower went well! I know you must be getting more excited every day! Have a wonderful weekend.
    Hugs, Vicky

  2. Hilarious stuff! I like how you connect all the oddities together. I do agree that Canadian game shows are terrible but I do enjoy Murdoch Mysteries and Heartland.

  3. THANK YOU agian for my Friday laughs!!! I love your Fri. posts, they get my day started just perfectly. Those nails are HORRIBLE!!! No way would I do that. The fingers look distorted. Hope the cushions fluff up a bit:):) Have fun at the shower.

  4. Bubble nails? What women will do.... I'm wondering where you got ( or did you build) your deck furniture. I know you built the coffee table but I'm wondering about the seating. Did I miss a post on this? Have a super weekend. I hope you get to enjoy your beautiful yard or is the shower happening this weekend. XX

  5. Canadian television...try watching Schitt's Creek! Eugene Levy, Catherine O'Hara. So funny. The first episode is a bit meh, but from there it's all good. And then you'll have fond memories of SCTV...and maybe Kids in the Hall. Love the Rick Mercer Report too...and while we're talking television...Last Tango in Halifax! Not Canadian, but another brilliant BBC production.

    1. I agree - Schitt's Creek is hilarious - but then Eugene Levy is great in anything he's in !
      And I DO love my Rick Mercer..................
      We watch quite a bit of BBC - Last Tango in Halifax was exceptional !

  6. I don't have a donut, bur I'm about 6 months pregnant ~ ugh!

    I LOVE "Fantastic Voyage"! That Japanese exhibit is a little bit disgusting ~ but (no pun intended) at least kids can learn something from it.

    Have a great weekend ~ I want to see more of that deck!

  7. Always a good laugh here.

    I do have to comment on game shows. One of my teaching colleagues won the grand prize on Price Is Right. She and her husband lived in a tiny 1 bedroom apartment while he was in grad school. They won among other things, a claw foot tub which they obviously had no space for and a snow blower. Living on the coast of southern California, the snow blower was of absolutely no use to them, but they had to pay taxes on everything they won. They sold many of the items, but for less than they were taxed. Being on the show ended up being an expensive experience.

  8. What-what? That was the best for me. Regarding game shows, my older brother was once on The Price Is Right. All the others had way over bid so all he had to do was bid $1 and he would've won. His wife and the whole audience were yelling "one dollar! One dollar!" Due to nervousness, he bid $1 more than the last bidder. So he lost, but he got a year's supply of some type of ice cream bars, but they only sent him a few and then quit. I think he would've been happier with a tent.

  9. Really, Suzan ? You had to corral the balloons ? Hilarious !! Hope the party goes well.
    The fingernails look really stupid. No typist will have that done.
    The butt exhibit.... I have no words. What is WRONG with those people ??!!!
    Please, take a picture and show us the dress. It must be lovely or you wouldn't have gotten it. Donuts-Schmonuts!

  10. I have a problem tying balloons too, you are so dedicated to your vision. I wld have said sc..w this and had a wine. Can you imagine trying to tie them off with bubble nails. How hideous are they?!! Love, love, love your deck and the chairs are gorgeous and thin cushions are chic. Just get up for more wine if your bum goes numb. Have a fantastic baby shower! xo Patty

  11. Suzan, Thanks for a good laugh! I don't know which is the worst...the bubble nails or the exhibit in Japan.

  12. Love your sense of humor, had a good laugh this morning. You are right about Canadian TV, almost nothing worth watching, and that exhibit, OMG! how disgusting. Have a great baby shower, look forward to your next post.

  13. I haven't seen the bubble gum nails. Or the science display. Both are not my cup of tea. ;)

    Congrats on the new deck!

  14. I like your balloon dam. Wouldn't want those things getting out while you're running around the house!

    Bubble nails look quite painless compared to claw nails. How in the world do women wipe themselves with claws like those? And how could any man want claws touching him? Thank just sounds dangerous! Back to bubble nails...They don't seem to do anything to elongate the fingers, which is what women seem to want to do, kind of like high heels elongating the legs. Little pudgy fingers. Not very attractive. Any beauty fad just about kills me. My niece is an aesthetician. (I'm etting the red squiggly line, so I may not be spelling it correctly.) Anyway...In her line of work, she is concerned with aesthetics, or how a person looks, so I'm sure she uses all kinds of cutting-edge products, doo-dads and just plain fad-ish things that come on the market. I am so far away from those kinds of things. Thank goodness she lives 600 miles away (in a way) so that I don't have to come to her salon/day spa business. Get me to Sport Clips for a quick barber cut, and if I can convince them to cut my hair short enough, I'm good to go for a couple of months! Miles away from the "experience" she is trying to create. I wish her well, and I hope her business succeeds, but it isn't anything that I need to complicate my life.

    I love your new (?) deck seating. I could probably be quite comfortable without cushions. And, they look good! I'm glad the deck worked out. I'm assuming it did since I didn't see any conversation about it! Have you decided on paint or have you put it the French doors yet?

    Oh, and does poo in Japan look different than ours? The only steaming pile of poo that I've seen shaped like that are the fake dog poop piles kids spend their hard-earned allowances on. That, and maybe drawings in cartoons. Silly.

    Again...thanks for the laughs!

  15. Well, there is much I could say about Japanese culture, but suffice to say I would rather not walk through a giant Japanese anus, thank you very much. As for dresses, why is it that you always look 30 pounds slimmer in your own mirror and look 30 pounds overweight (and wrinkly too) in department store dressing rooms? THEY DO IT ON PURPOSE BECAUSE DESIGNERS HATE NORMAL WOMEN.

  16. I always enjoy your posts & have a particular fondness for the Suzan/John conversations that are so often completely hilarious. I've decided that 'what-what?' is my new favorite saying. Thanks for the laugh! I agree that the bubble nails are awful. Who in their right mind would want those ugly bumps that look like strange mutant growths? It doesn't matter how artistically painted, they still look scary! The new deck looks awesome & I hope the shower was a great success! xoxo

    1. awww - thanks SO much Nancy !
      what - what ?

  17. OMG Suzan I nearly spit my coffee all over my laptop! "Edwina Marblehands"...the sequel. As for the cheesy Canadian television shows - yup, we certainly have some but then there are/were many fabulous and syndicated shows. Remember SCTV? Corner Gas, Air Farce, Just For Laughs to name a few.
    Oh, I almost forgot, I'll trade your donut for my loaf of bread!

  18. I get from the beginning if the post that at least YOU have TV... Still not working here...


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