I had a sweet post scheduled to go up this morning - but thought I'd share what happened here yesterday afternoon instead.
I was happily painting a dresser - humming to myself - all alone in the house because John had gone to pick up that antique dresser -
And all of a sudden I heard noises coming out of the kitchen.
I froze - listened for a moment - and ran into the office.
OMG - OMG - OMG - IS THIS IT?
IS IT THE MAN WHO'S BROKEN INTO MY HOUSE TO RAPE AND MURDER ME THAT I'VE BEEN LIVING IN TERROR OF MY ENTIRE LIFE????
Is my last act on earth going to be painting a freaking dresser?
I tiptoed out - with Soda ( my guard dog )
Here's a photo of her so you can see how mean and scary she can look
She's my accomplice - I love her to death - but I'd rat out on her in a milisecond as you can see
HERE and HERE
Looking up at me - her head cocked - begging me to pick her up - I think this is it - if Soda's scared then something's really going on her................
I picked her up and ran into my office ( because why would you run out the front door when there's someone in your kitchen???????????????? ) and looked out my office window to see a squirrel jumping in my kitchen window.
OMG - now there must be 2 raping squirrels running around in there............
I dial the phone with shaking fingers...........
John says - Hello
Suzan says - You've got to get back here - there's squirrels in the kitchen
John says - Excuse me?
Suzan says - You heard me - there's squirrels in the kitchen - at least 2 of them
John says - How the hell do these things keep happening to you?
John says - anyway I can't - I'm picking up a dresser for you
Suzan says - Ok - but they're going to destroy the house - because Soda and I are locked in the office
and I'm not coming out till you get home.
John says - Just go in the bloody kitchen and open the back door..................they'll run out.
did he just say that?
is he insane?
I'll just casually stroll into the kitchen and calmly walk to the kitchen door while 2 rabid squirrels come flying at my body ripping my skin to shreds and trying to claw my eyes out?
But I did come up with a plan......................and I'm going to share it with you in case you ever find yourself in this predicament.....................
First of all these are the tools you'll need:
1 dinner bell
1 tea light holder
and if you're very lucky and have smashed the office door so hard ( in fright ) that the handle falls off - you'll need that too
Once you have all your tools assembled - grab the dinner bell - and start slamming your hand down on it repeatedly and FRANTICALLY to scare the squirrels...................do this until the palm of your hand starts to throb.
When that doesn't work - walk to the beginning of your hall - and then whip it down as hard as you can until it lands right in front of the kitchen door -
Repeat with the tea light candle holder -
and lastly whip that crystal glass handle so hard that it bounces off the door at the end of the hall for double the impact
Then run back into your office and look out the window to watch 2 squirrels making a hasty retreat -
by the same way they entered.
be sure to take a photo of their point of entry -
and point of retreat -
or no one will believe you.
do not call your better half if he's out - I'm praying this never happens to you - but if it does - at least you know what to do now..................
Oh and by the way - do not step on the door handle as you sprint into the kitchen to lock and bolt the window - it hurts.
It really really hurts.
This happened once before - when we first bought this place btw - John asked me one night if I was spitting out the skins of fruit on the counter top...............
Yes - sweetheart - I've taken a dislike to them - can you clean them up for me?
It turned out that a squirrel had had a little snack then too - using that same window -
I replaced the screen and never thought anything of it again - until today when the little
Have a great day.
And bookmark this post - because - well - you just never know when it'll come in handy.
Have a wonderful Monday
Oh dear Lord! Suzan, you can make me laugh so loud !!!! This reminded me of the day my Mom bumped into a mouse in the kitchen - my Dad found her there hours later ... on the kitchen sink ! And, btw, Soda seems fearless :-)ReplyDelete
Only you, Suzan. Only you... :)ReplyDelete
We had a bat in the house once, it was a nightmare for me. And of course hubby was out of town at a hockey trip. The one time we get a bat and he's out of town.ReplyDelete
I did weird things too, to try and make the bat fly out. Everyone I called told to me to swat/stun him w/a tennis racket. But I couldn't do that, lol. I didn't want to hurt the bas...cute little thing. ;)
LOL at your squirrels, at least they waited until you left the room. "Hurry, get out, she's coming, I hear her!!" hahahahhahahahahahha Sorry (to laugh), I know critters can freak people out (they sometimes do to me). :)
OMG I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard... I don't mean to laugh but it's your fault yet again!!! I think you might need more than screen this time! I'm I will be thinking about this all day! Have a great week! VReplyDelete
OMG - this is hilarious! I feel sorry for those squirrels!ReplyDelete
Yep, you are still a funny one:)ReplyDelete
These instructions should be included in the Red Cross Handbook!ReplyDelete
Ha!!!! We have evil squirrels around here who torture our poor dog. They've never ventured into the house, thank god, but should they attempt it I feel fully prepared now. :)ReplyDelete
Ohhmmgee....I am sitting here peeing myself ...laffing!! Sorry, but firstly your "guard dog", is very ominous...yep...would scare the bejezuz outta me, for sure!! Not sure it it's the floppy ears or the adorable facial expression...but you need not have feared squirrels with Soda on the job!!ReplyDelete
I'm adding a bell & tea light holder to my first aid kit..never can tell when those too might come in handy!!
I think Soda was as terrified as I was LOL -Delete
Hahahahhahahah! Oh Suzan... I can't stop laughing!! And Soda is adorably terrifying... or is that terrifyingly adorable? Either way she's a sweetie!ReplyDelete
oh my gosh, that was the best way o start my day,ReplyDelete
Best post I've read all week, Suzy you always give me the chuckles so enjoy your escapades!ReplyDelete
oh and it gets better Brenda ( or worse - depending on how you look at it I guess - don't ask!!!!!!!!!!!!!Delete
Ha Ha Susan you made me laugh. What a great story and only would happen to you!!! Glad they ran out. Glad Soda was there to help you out!!!!!!ReplyDelete
Squirrels are demons. I had one chase me at the park one day. I had an iced coffee and he wanted it. Me, a large grown woman running from a small rat/ aka -squirrel. I even took a picture... I couldn't believe the nerve of him. Wanting MY coffee.ReplyDelete
Hahaha...hilarious! This should be a chapter in the 'Wilderness Survival' book. For urbanites. I'm actually surprised that squirrels would dare come into a house with a dog in it. Unless they're bribing her. This smells of an inside job. I'd interrogate Soda if I were you. She might be an accomplice.ReplyDelete
Fun post. Here I thought, when I read the title, that you were referring to John! lol Love your guard dog. Looks so vicious! :-)ReplyDelete
this would only happen to you!ReplyDelete
Please don't say that Lauren - the only way I can tolerate these things is to think they happen to everyone else also LMHODelete
Actually this happens to others but when you tell a story you make lemonade out of lemons...... I love your sense of humour. You add to the world.ReplyDelete
lol - not sure of the quality I add to the world - at all LOLDelete
but that is the sweetest thing to say!!!
Wow, the holes they put in that screen! They are bold little monsters and I would have thrown stuff at them too to get them out. LOLReplyDelete
Wow they must have really been hungry and tearing up the screen like that. What a funny story....ReplyDelete
Have a great week.
This is obviously your own fault for having delicious food in your kitchen. It's like a big ol' squirrel magnet.ReplyDelete
The squirrels in my 'hood opened up the Tupperware container of bird seed on my front porch last week and partied down.
(To Rosey: if you get a bat again scoop it straight out of the air with a fishing net. Then you can take it outside and give it a fling and it will fly off into the moonlight.)
Oh Dear! I'm glad the rapey squirrels were scared of you and ran out!ReplyDelete
I had a chipmunk running around my bedroom a few years ago and I was freaked out. I won't get into the absurd solution that I came up with.
Oh my! We did have a squirrel in the basement once, perched on the window sill, he seemed very scared of us, but I barricaded myself upstairs while hubby handled it. He opened another window and encouraged the squirrel out.ReplyDelete
I will laugh about this for years, Suze! Years...ReplyDelete
haha... wow. worst nightmare. one of my old bosses had one in his house and he screamed like a little girl. cant imagine I'd act any differently. squirells are so evil!ReplyDelete
Terrifying - and the story continues actually - because I think there's one still in my house!!!!!!!!!!!Delete
So very funny! at first I thought you meant getting rid of in-laws ...ReplyDelete
Not funny if it were your house Betty LOLDelete
oh. my. word. How scary! We've had bats in our house and I do NOT appreciate winged rats in my house one little bit. shudder.ReplyDelete
Very funny. I have had bats in our house and racoons and other critters and they are so scary. Glad you scared them off without having to call out the professionals.ReplyDelete
hysterical thank god you lived lol thank god you out smarted those raping squirrels lolReplyDelete
OMG, girlfriend I am so sorry but I was hysterical laughing at this story. I would have done the exact same thing. I wouldn't have had the same tools but I would have hid too. Although many think squirrels are cute and furry, they freak me out and I don't ever trust them. Every notice how they can't make up their mind about which way they are going to cross the street? They can cause major accidents where we live. The roads are very narrow and curvy. I would have been freaking out big time. Sorry you had to go through this but at least you are safe.ReplyDelete
I laughed for the entire post... Now that I think of it, it's not very nice to laugh at other people's misery! First thing tomorrow morning, I'm out to buy a dinner bell, I knew I needed one, but I hadn't figured out why until I read your post. May I suggest to adopt a cat, they are a lot more useful in that kind of situation than a husband!ReplyDelete
Just one of the many reasons I love you so! You have surely saved my life, or at least my virtue from rapist squirrels at some point in the future.ReplyDelete
OMG!!!!!! Don't get me started on squirrels!! They really give me the creeps!! Too funny Suzan...ReplyDelete
you did it again...my laughing out loud and tears in my eyes while reading your post!! I kinda agree with your hubby. How the hell do these things keep happening to you? In any case, you should write a book. Sooo funny!!ReplyDelete
That must have been such a sight to behold.You are just too funny Suzan-love deeReplyDelete
OMG how did you not have a heart attack, I'm not afraid though, we don't have squirrels LOLReplyDelete
You are so funny!!! It reminds me of the time a squirrel came out of the fireplace (when a fire was burning!!!) - ran around the family room while I stood on the back of the sofa and screamed like a 2 year old!!ReplyDelete
well that's even more frightening Heather - while a fire was going!!!!!!!!!!Delete
was he running around on fire????????????
After a long, exhausting day working in my classroom, I come home to catch up reading my faves and you did not disappoint! I swear you need to write a book or do stand up comedy or something. You crack me up! I laughed and laughed at your squirrel story. Hilarious...:)ReplyDelete
Life On Willie Mae Lane
Have you started a book yet? It would be awesome!ReplyDelete
Omg I'd freak. All the luck you have. Well baby bunnies do not compare. Those little rascals have balls invading your kitchen. Thank god little critters don't bother me. And you want to move to a rural area, out of the city??? I think we have less home invasions. Lol. Call me. We need to talk Brimfield.ReplyDelete
lolol! Oh my gosh!!! You sure have sneaky squirrels up there, Suzan! Did they happen to leave behind their box cutters on the counter...??? hehehe! [PS Will you please come and take care of the wasps that have taken up residence in the soffit by my side door?? I'm petrified of them. Don't forget that bell. hehehe!]ReplyDelete
I'm laughing at you and feeling sorry for you at the same time! My roofers were supposed to get the squirrel out of my attic. They said it was out and the next night something squirrel size was banging around in my stove drawer. I decided I'll never again need the muffin tins and taped the drawer shut. By the way, why are you so boorish when you eat? What John has to put up with!ReplyDelete
ps - I think I have the no reply blogger thing fixed AGAIN.ReplyDelete
Ha ha, how hilarious! But I gotta say I love squirrels. German squirrels are a lot more chicken and don't come into houses, though!ReplyDelete
OhEmGee....this is hilarious!! Rabid, raping squirrels? You could give Sharknado a run for their money and you'd never have to paint a dresser again! Only you would have a dinner bell handy!! LOLReplyDelete
oh it got better then this Lorraine - trust me!!!Delete
LOL!!! I think we are sisters. This is exactly the type of thing that happens to me and my husband's reaction would be just like your hubbys. Last night he looked out the window and calmly told me there was a RAT on the bird feeder. I screamed. He looked at me with a wee bit of distain (though he would deny it). I said, "I HATE rats. They scare me!!!" He said, "Okay then, there wasn't a rat on the bird feeder. Do you feel better now?" Aren't they ridiculous?ReplyDelete
Love your exploits Suzan . . . or is it Lucy?
That is hysterical. My mind kept flashing to Chevy Chase with that squirrel on his back in Christmas Vacation. That never ceases to make me laugh.ReplyDelete
I completely forgot about that Betsy LMHO - hysterical!!!!!!!!!!Delete
That's hilarious! Well, not what happened, but the way you told it. You just never know where blog fodder will come from, do ya?ReplyDelete
Oh Suzan, you even make pests sound funny! Sorry, but I can just picture you gathering up your weapons to use on poor defenceless animals. (defenceless, yeah right...look what they did to your screen!)ReplyDelete
I have been laughing my bummy off at this. Squirrels!! Rapist squirrels!ReplyDelete
Imagine standing under a hole in your master bedroom ceiling, trying to catch two snakes in a cat litter bucket, while they were busy having sex and falling out of the hole at the same time. They fell, split into two snakes, I caught one, and the other disappeared into the depths of my holey house. I was laughing the whole time.
And that's only one of several times I've had to corral the snakes, mice, racoon, squirrels and birds out of my house. Thank goodness I've been able to get most of the holes in the house filled with pot lights, vents, and just plain drywall! [LOL] I have, however, become one with nature.
I like your choice of weapons, though. You totally crack me up.
OMG, I was reading your picnic in the basement post and it lead me here. My first thought was, "This happened to her too?" Holy crap. Course, mine walked right in the door that my 3 kids had left open because they were excited about playing on the trampoline.ReplyDelete
I don't know who screamed louder, me or the squirrel when we saw one another. He was just sitting on my kitchen counter, eating thru the plastic at a loaf of bread, until I walked in anyway....Such a great post, thanks for sharing it! I Loved it;-)
Are they getting braver or what Christine LOL ???Delete
They completely tramumatized me this summer- one jumped up at the screen of my office window the day after- spread eagled - and just stared at me!!!
It's like I'm living a scene from a bad Alfred Hitchcock movie LMHO
Nice job! I particularly like that the holes in the screen are vaguely squirrel shaped.ReplyDelete
so today is a down day and am catching up on all my blog posts I have missed. I laugh so much when I read yours that I have to space them apart or I would be peeing my pants!!ReplyDelete
My my! Those squirrels are deadly! I hate them. They go running and jumping around. Sometimes, they arent afrais of humans anymore. Thankgoodness you and soda are okay.ReplyDelete