I had a sweet post scheduled to go up this morning - but thought I'd share what happened here yesterday afternoon instead.
I was happily painting a dresser - humming to myself - all alone in the house because John had gone to pick up that antique dresser -
And all of a sudden I heard noises coming out of the kitchen.
I froze - listened for a moment - and ran into the office.
OMG - OMG - OMG - IS THIS IT?
IS IT THE MAN WHO'S BROKEN INTO MY HOUSE TO RAPE AND MURDER ME THAT I'VE BEEN LIVING IN TERROR OF MY ENTIRE LIFE????
Is my last act on earth going to be painting a freaking dresser?
I tiptoed out - with Soda ( my guard dog )
Here's a photo of her so you can see how mean and scary she can look
She's my accomplice - I love her to death - but I'd rat out on her in a milisecond as you can see
HERE and HERE
Looking up at me - her head cocked - begging me to pick her up - I think this is it - if Soda's scared then something's really going on her................
I picked her up and ran into my office ( because why would you run out the front door when there's someone in your kitchen???????????????? ) and looked out my office window to see a squirrel jumping in my kitchen window.
OMG - now there must be 2 raping squirrels running around in there............
I dial the phone with shaking fingers...........
John says - Hello
Suzan says - You've got to get back here - there's squirrels in the kitchen
John says - Excuse me?
Suzan says - You heard me - there's squirrels in the kitchen - at least 2 of them
John says - How the hell do these things keep happening to you?
John says - anyway I can't - I'm picking up a dresser for you
Suzan says - Ok - but they're going to destroy the house - because Soda and I are locked in the office
and I'm not coming out till you get home.
John says - Just go in the bloody kitchen and open the back door..................they'll run out.
did he just say that?
is he insane?
I'll just casually stroll into the kitchen and calmly walk to the kitchen door while 2 rabid squirrels come flying at my body ripping my skin to shreds and trying to claw my eyes out?
But I did come up with a plan......................and I'm going to share it with you in case you ever find yourself in this predicament.....................
First of all these are the tools you'll need:
1 dinner bell
1 tea light holder
and if you're very lucky and have smashed the office door so hard ( in fright ) that the handle falls off - you'll need that too
Once you have all your tools assembled - grab the dinner bell - and start slamming your hand down on it repeatedly and FRANTICALLY to scare the squirrels...................do this until the palm of your hand starts to throb.
When that doesn't work - walk to the beginning of your hall - and then whip it down as hard as you can until it lands right in front of the kitchen door -
Repeat with the tea light candle holder -
and lastly whip that crystal glass handle so hard that it bounces off the door at the end of the hall for double the impact
Then run back into your office and look out the window to watch 2 squirrels making a hasty retreat -
by the same way they entered.
be sure to take a photo of their point of entry -
and point of retreat -
or no one will believe you.
do not call your better half if he's out - I'm praying this never happens to you - but if it does - at least you know what to do now..................
Oh and by the way - do not step on the door handle as you sprint into the kitchen to lock and bolt the window - it hurts.
It really really hurts.
This happened once before - when we first bought this place btw - John asked me one night if I was spitting out the skins of fruit on the counter top...............
Yes - sweetheart - I've taken a dislike to them - can you clean them up for me?
It turned out that a squirrel had had a little snack then too - using that same window -
I replaced the screen and never thought anything of it again - until today when the little
Have a great day.
And bookmark this post - because - well - you just never know when it'll come in handy.
Have a wonderful Monday