Come in - come in - I've been dying for you to get here !
Some of you know that I have a " phobia " about birds - I'm really really frightened of them for some reason.
I panic if one comes too close - in a state of complete and utter fear.
I know they're beautiful - and I love that they live in my garden - I just don't like getting " too close and personal "
And we have grackles ( you can read about those #@&(@* HERE ) outside our bedroom - so a screen on our window is an absolute necessity.
So is sleeping with the window open.
( that's another on-going argument I've already shared with you )
Anyway - one night last week it was incredibly windy.
I woke up later than John the next morning.
John says - the wind knocked the screen right out of our window last night.
Suzan says - where is it?
John says - downstairs.................I didn't want to wake you
Suzan says - did you close the window ?
John says - No - you always want it open
Suzan says - OMG - A bat could have flowin in - or a grackle - or worse - what were you thinking?
John says - YOU ALWAYS TELL ME NOT TO TOUCH THE WINDOW.
Suzan says - Listen to me carefully John - very very carefully ( because really sometimes he frightens me more than birds ) I like heat in the winter too..................but.if the house ever catches fire please wake me up to let me know?
John says - Well now you're being ridiculous
But I could just picture him telling the judge " she loved heat your honor "
My logic is ridiculous I know that - he's 100% right on that one.
But surely that's better than having none at all?
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This mudroom makeover is close to throwing me over the edge.
I seriously contemplated taking a photo of the before and then tossing a lighted match in it and showing the after.
I'm definitely not a pyromaniac but I think I'd probably do a little River Dance while it burned.
I've told you before the whole house is crooked - well the mud room is terribly so............I've taken to walking around the house with a level. I'm constantly checking everything.
Suzan says - I have a sinking feeling
John says - What now?
Suzan says - No I really have one - I think the house is sinking
John says - Why do you talk like that ?
Suzan says - Because I really think it is..................
John says - It's not sinking - it's an old house - it's crooked
Later on I brought a tea into the den for him
John says - Why are you walking like that?
Suzan says - Like what?
John says - On a slant
Suzan says - I'm trying to compensate..................I figure if we both walk leaning to one side no one will know how bad the house is.
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I was thinking..........................
Why are all the sex scandals from MALES - ( and quite a few of them are politicians to boot )
They're either taking selfies of their private parts
Or trying to pick up other men in bathroom stalls
Or sleeping with secretaries
Or impregnating them
Sometimes they even marry them
Now personally I don't care about all of that - I really don't - I think the media should stay out of people's private affairs ( unless they're breaking the law or causing harm to someone of course )
But still - if that sort of thing does bother people - why on earth do we not have more female leaders?
There's more of of us than them - it makes no sense to me.
We keep voting in Don Drapers and then act horrified when they act like ...............well Don Draper.
We need more Peggy Olson's running the Country.
The above references are from Mad Men - and if you haven't watched the series - it's time to.
Seriously - an incredible look into the 60's era...................I'm in mourning that the final episode was last week.
The 60's were my childhood years...................and this show reflected it to perfection.
Kind of felt like I was going home for an hour each week - warts and all.
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The Duggars?
Too much to say - it needs its own post.................
But I'm sickened by the whole thing.
And with the network who's frantically trying to salvage something out of the whole mess.
LET. IT. GO.
C'mon TLC - you did it with Honey Boo Boo.
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Ok this is hysterical.
I heard John grumbling in the mudroom................you know the table that I hung a curtain from?
He calls it a skirt ( which I suppose it is )
I keep a lot of tools and boxes filled with nails and screws etc behind it.
I swear to you this is what he said !
John says - ( on his hands and knees ) AM I GOING TO HAVE TO LIFT A BLOODY SKIRT EVERY TIME I WANT A SCREW ?
Suzan says - Pervert !
John says - What are you talking about ?
He had no idea what that sounded like...........
None.
At.
All.
I had to explain it verbally because I wasn't wearing a skirt.
John says - Why is your mind always in the gutter?
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Her and her Son - myself and my 3 kids -
We rented a cottage with private access to the lake.
It was a charming 2 story house nestled in a little corner of a lakeside cottage community.
2 Woman...............alone with 4 young kids.
Cell phones were just making their way into society and neither of us had one - nor was there a phone on this property.
It was a lovely holiday - we played games every night - we grilled all our meals - we sat on the sand while the kids played ................
Until 2 nights before we were to leave.
The kids were all down for the night and Darlene and I were sitting outside having a glass of wine.
Now before I go any further you have to know ( ok you already know ) that I'm afraid of my own shadow - and that I've very very dramatic.
So.............while we were sitting there chatting in total darkness ( and I mean PITCH black ) - Darlene looked at me a little strangely and in a very low voice
Darlene said - I don't want you to panic Suzan - just get up NOW and get into the house
My legs went numb - completely useless
Suzan whimpered - Please don't do this to me Darlene
Darlene said - GET UP ! NOW ! As she made a mad dash towards the door.
I almost broke her legs shoving her out of the way so that I could get in first.
We got indoors and she told me she heard footsteps on the side of the house. And the bushes rustling.
DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN - OMG - PLEASE SAVE US - THE CHILDREN ARE SO YOUNG -
HAIL MARY FULL OF GRACE - OUR FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN...................WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO???????????? I think I was literally hopping up and down and trying desperately to control a quick urge to go to the bathroom - eventually I flew into the kitchen to remove 2 butcher knives from the drawer.
I placed one in her hand - and made her solemnly swear that she would not go to sleep - we had to stay awake to save the children - DEAR GOD - THE CHILDREN !!!
I know I did a lot of pacing in front of the windows - waving the knife around.
After a couple of hours we thought it would be wise to go upstairs where - DEAR GOD - THE CHILDREN were sleeping and keep watch.
And so she sat in one corner ( closest to the door ) and I sat in the other corner ( a little safer ) and there we sat from midnight till roughly 5 a.m. when I noticed a strange noise coming from her corner.
Snoring !
Asleep on the job!
I ran over to her - shaking her frantically with one hand ( because the other hand still had the knife in it raised above my head so that nobody got hurt.)
Now I can only imagine what I must have looked like when she awoke - this crazed sleep deprived mad woman shaking her and telling her WAKE UP WAKE UP - for GOD'S SAKES - WAKE UP - with a huge knife in my hand.
She let out a blood curdling scream...............which in turn made me let out a blood curdling scream because I thought someone must be behind me for her to behave so irrationally.
Which caused all of the children to wake up - and we were on the rode back to the city within an hour.
The door to the basement ( outside door ) had been jimmied - the lock broken - but there was no access to the interior of the house through the cellar.
Someone probably looked in the window and saw this bat shit crazy lady walking around the house with a huge knife in her hand and thought
" no way " .....................
Or the lock was broken before we even got to the cottage.
We weren't quite sure of that.
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But as much as I would have defended my kids to my death - there was another time when when we were downstairs watching t.v. in the family room and we noticed a mouse scurry past us.
We all made a dash for the stairs - and I - their fierce protector ran past them so that I could get upstairs first leaving them by the wayside - to defend themselves. I know Ashley was trying to get ahead of me - but it wasn't happening.
I'm definitely a Mama Grizzly.
Unless there's a ferocious mouse involved.
Then I become an elephant ( in the room )
We had a cat within a week.
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This video
Made my day !!!
I'm in the midst of painting a Union Jack somewhere in the mud room - I'll show you on Monday !
Have a wonderful weekend everyone
Love ya!
Me
Thanks for the laughs this morning.
ReplyDeleteLaughed through this, of course. Poor John! And the take off you and your friend with butcher knives!! That's why when Mr. C. is gone overnight, I always slept on the sofa with my huge German Shepherd and a shotgun beside me. I was always relieved that I hadn't shot my dog in my sleep! Lol
ReplyDelete"do a little River Dance"..... one more line that I'm definitely stealing from you.
ReplyDeleteAbout a decade ago, at a friend's cabin in Way Up North Wisconsin, there were about 7 of us sitting out by the lake at the campfire around midnight, a table full of munchies not far from us, when I heard what was most definitely a bear coming through the brush behind me. My lawn chair busted from the force of my launch and I hightailed it past my friends and up the hill to the cabin faster than Usain Bolt, my friends were bewildered but followed my lead - and later told me that they now know who I'd take care of first in case of emergency.
One of my best friends has a dreadful fear of birds. It was so bad years ago that she would scream if she spotted a pigeon walking across the street. We used to go out walking over our lunch hour and, working downtown, there are always lots of pigeons about, and sparrows too (they are so remarkably resilient). Well, she was seeing a fellow at the time and he took her to an outdoor restaurant out in the country for what he thought would be a lovely evening out, and the place had a couple of peacocks roving about the premises. My friend totally lost it when she saw one, screamed and screamed. End of promising romance. She finally had enough of her fear and went to a counsellor who taught her some mental tricks to help her control her fear. It definitely helped. Now we could walk down a street without her screaming in fear at a bird across the street, and she got good enough at managing her fear that we could even walk past birds if we were going fast enough (and she could really move back in the day, whew!) I don't know where the fear of birds comes from, but it is real to those who suffer from it, and to me it's no different than being afraid of being near a body of water or being afraid of heights, or like me, afraid of creepy-crawlers! Mice, nope, they don't bother me. A thousand legger - run screaming for the hills! Except, I live alone, so I've learned how to kill them over the years. It's horrible and a terrible ordeal to do so and involves being armed with bug spray and a large bat of rolled-up newspaper, but I do it because the only thing worse than killing a thousand legger is to think about it creeping about the house in the dark, under the bed, coming up on the covers... okay, enough of that!
ReplyDeleteO.M.G.!!!
ReplyDeleteI have a HUGE smile plastered on my face right now ~ that video was AWESOME, as was the lovely lady!!
I can SO see me (or you) doing something like that when we're that age!
LOVE it!!!
I have to say I was hysterical reading that story about the cabin. I can picture it my head. When I was young and the family went out it was a trip when we came home. I'd walk in the house and yell, if anyone is in here you better run. We have many guns. My parents thought I was nuts
ReplyDeletePersonally I was just getting over the grakles in the beginning of this post. I despise those birds. They freak me out.
We were Mad Men people. For me, most times the episode would end and I would ask John to explain what the heck? I couldn't believe Don would just turn the corner and BAM the women would sleep with him. I'd say are they kidding me with this.
Try to survive the weekend safely from the birds
Cindy
Well you would think by now I would know not to wear mascara when reading your chats, seriously the tears were flowing I was laughing so hard! All of it, from the missing screen to the slanting house, had me rolling on the floor. The imagery you painted with your words about your lake vacation however was the best, I could literally see you wielding your knife ver your friend's head, almost wet myself...as for the video, do you suppose that is his grandma and he makes her perform at all his gigs? Could increase his revenue I would think, lol!
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness!!! How cute was that dance!!!???!!! I loved watching her little doggie who barely moved a muscle while she did her little shindig! He must be used to living in what is probably a very fun house to live in!
ReplyDeleteAs for the Duggard's I don't watch them at all, nor Honey BooBoo! Just watching the characters in my own family and those hanging from our "family tree", we could probably do an episode or two ourselves but who would want to watch! I do notice that Seventh Heaven is still on, despite the accusations recently hurled at the lead actor. (Our family antics do not include any of this nonsense, just plain old fashioned nincompoopery!) I find this all very sad at a time when our young people desperately need heroes, and there seem to be so very few around. AArrgguuhhhh! I need to go watch our little lady dance again and uplift my spirit.........nanny
I'm in love with that lady - and would mostly definitely have joined her LOL
DeleteI can deal with nincompoopery - it's my middle name after all - but all these sex scandals make me sick !
XOXO
I always look forwar to your Friday chats! I cracked up over John's comment about the skirt...lol! I agree about the Duggars...oh my gosh! Train wreck! The video clip was too cute....that little lady has some spunk! Hope you have a great weekend Suzan...:) Can't wait to see where you painted the Union Jack!
ReplyDeleteI would have thought the same thing when John said what he said looking for a screw! I am also terribly afraid of birds and mice. Both make me scream when they get close to me!
ReplyDeleteFinally I know someone else (ok only by your blog but that counts)in this world who is deathly afraid of birds like I am.
ReplyDeleteWhat a terrible phobia to have - I mean there's no escaping them LOL
DeleteXOXO
Funniest line I've heard all week! "Do I have to lift a skirt..?" I'm still laughing!
ReplyDeleteLOL - he pulls some doozies Rick - I don't know what I find funnier - the fact that he said that - or the fact that he didn't realize what it sounded like LMHO !
Deletexoxo
LOL- I love these this & that posts. They are great fun! Your John is as clueless as mine-at least yours can claim he is English so doesn't "get it"---this one has no excuses.
ReplyDeleteMy girlfriend and I had a similar experience in our OWN cabin and sat up all night. There had been a storm and NO PHONE SERVICE and we knew someone was walking around behind our cottage. OMG- thought we were going to die of fright. My 4 kids and her 2. ps. we all lived...xo Diana
There's always so much to comment on, in these Friday chats. Grackles: Got 'em, don't like 'em. They are mean birds, and they have scared away all my finches, I think. But, they are pretty. A window without a screen would freak me the heck out. I'm picturing you both walking to one side -snort! The skirt/screw story is too funny! The story about the lake house was like watching a scary movie - you are a good storyteller, Suzan! The burnt-down "after" is still making me laugh...And the video? Insane!
ReplyDeleteMore funny stories from you. Honestly, you need to write a book Suzan. Enjoy the weekend. xx Pam
ReplyDeleteThanks for the laughs!! Every time I laughed...my two little Yorkies looked at me like what's so funny mommy, because you are disturbing our sleep time.
ReplyDelete~Cindy
My sister was the only one amongst us who was afraid of birds. Guess whose was the only house that was breached by a bird? Yep...my sister...rest her soul.
ReplyDeleteAbout the men in public office who can't behave: They blame it on the women. It's been that way for a very, very long time. Women are the temptress, men are tempted, men act on their thoughts, and women are responsible for dragging them down. When do you think those men will take full responsibility for their actions? and maybe not put themselves in that position in the first place? Always someone else to blame. This is why there are more derogatory words for women than men.
The Duggars: Never watched it; never will. Somehow the mighty fall before the networks are done using them up. Reality shows? What's real about them? If I had a camera on me, I would certain behave differently. But, I'm not willing to expose my life for the hum drum reality it is...nor have I been asked. Another show I wouldn't watch is, what is it?, something like Teen Mothers? I wouldn't watch that other large family that seems to get larger by the year. I can't remember the name, but...who cares? Are they headed for the fall? More: The guy with a couple of wives — that's illegal, y'know. Now there's a singing family. Irish music. Don't care. Naked and Afraid. Ain't nobody gotta see THAT! Oh, there was this "reality" show about the swingin' life. Can't remember the name of it. There was a problem with one of the couples on the first show. Didn't see THAT coming. Katie and I are ready to turn off the TV and sit and twiddle our thumbs. It's more meaningful than the drivel that comes out of that tube! BTW The TV in the living room died. It won't be replaced.
About lifting the skirt to get a screw... Where we lived a little further up north, the field behind us was planted with tobacco one time. The way they take care of that crop is funny. At one point, the leaves on the bottom are removed by a strange-looking piece of machinery. We referred to it as lifting the skirts. Ha ha...you had to be there! Another part of the process was deflowering. The flower was actually plucked from the top...with a machine. So, the whole process of caring for tobacco is a strangely "sexual" process. At least in our sick minds!
Enjoyed our chat. Time to go twiddle my thumbs or do something equally as exciting.
Hard to choose a favorite between John and the screw or you madly waving the knife... either way, I peed me pants.
ReplyDeleteOMG John! LMAO! Great story about the cottage, gives me the shivers. You remind me so much of my sister, a She Devil when protecting her family, but should anything with 4 legs or none (snake) enter the scene she'll kill you to get out of there first. Love your Friday chats. xo Patty
ReplyDelete