Friday, June 12, 2015

A Friday Chat ( about this & that )

Hey you !!!
Come in, come in - I'll put a pot of coffee on ( but I'll have tea if you don't mind )

John came up with a brainstorm this week - or so he thought.

2 convicted murderers escaped from a high maximum prison in N.Y. last week - close to our border
( 32 kilometers - or 18 miles away to be precise )

It is about 25 miles to the Canadian border, which one local says is somewhat blurry. "This is a hard place to find someone," he told the Daily News. "This is a very dense area. We are in the middle of the mountains. It's easy to walk into Canada from here. I've done it by mistake."

That line makes me LOL - " it's easy to walk into Canada from here. I've done it myself "

So some think they're on their way here ( they'd better be able to speak French or their entire plan will go up in smoke - just saying )

Our police are not so scary
But the language police?
You just don't mess with them - they'll have those suckers on the ground screaming s'il vous plait faster than you can shake a leaf.

What are the Language Police you ask?  Surely I jest?
Nope..............we actually have Language Police and they're thriving here in La Belle Province.
Read 'em and weep HERE
Their job entails such important tasks as measuring English words on signs - ( English has to be smaller than the French words or the whole Province would fall into ruin ) and making sure Italian restaurants don't use such alien words like PASTA on the menu - because it's not the correct language - you have no idea what we deal with here - seriously no idea - but that's a post for another day.  Google PASTAGATE if you need a laugh that'll last the whole weekend.
They may not carry guns - but they're lethal with a measuring tape I'll tell ya. ( honestly - they carry tape measures - because you can't just eyeball measurements when it comes to French and English words )  and they can outdraw any Texas Ranger with those weapons - I assure you.
So 2 American convicts ?
Pffft - they don't stand a snowball's chance in hell.
In fact they'll be begging the Language Police to send them back to N.Y.C - where they can grumble in any language they want.
Freedom !


John says - Print their photos !
Suzan - Why in God's name would we do that?
John says - Well the first thing they're going to do when they get here is find a place to have a poutine
John says - And there's a 100,000 reward !  In U.S. dollars.
John says - We can just check out all the diners that serve poutine's.
Suzan says - Seriously honey - we have to come up with a concrete plan for retirement - besides the lottery and catching criminals...............
Suzan says -  You're no Dog the Bounty Hunter,  you know
John says - I wouldn't want to be
Suzan says - Well duh - that's what he does
John says - Well you're no Agatha Christie
W.T.H that means I have no idea..............he's very much into tit for tat.
Suzan says - So back to plan B then?
John says - Yeah - I'll pick up a couple of extra lotto's this week

Some of you may remember how I feel about my last name - which is Sweatman.
You can read about how mortified I was as a kid - stuck with a handle like that - HERE

When the 2 above mentioned criminals escaped from prison - I noticed one of their last names was SWEAT
I had to run and google it because I was sure I heard Sweatman.........................

The name is bad enough - I don't need it to be linked to a criminal on top of it.

Can you imagine someone asking me to spell it ?

S-W-E-A-T -
NO - I wasn't finished spelling it Sir !
I'm saying Sir because a woman would wait till I was finished.

Ok - this is kind of unbelievable.

I ordered pieces of foam last year to make benches in the front porch ( we have built in storage the entire length of the room )
They were 12.99 each - huge - 3 inch memory foam.
It took over a year to receive them ( and they'll probably sit another year before I get to that project but that's beside the point )
I was not happy -
After a long discussion - all online - and being told the seller could no longer source them - I did a little sleuthing and discovered that yes indeed they were available - but for 120.00 EACH.
Someone made a huge mistake and it wasn't me.
Back and forth - back and forth - and the long and short of it is that they arrived last week - for the original price I paid.

A few days later I received the standard email from Amazon asking me to leave my feed back on the site.
They like you to leave a truthful account.
Which I did - giving it only 2 stars - explaining it was not because of quality which I was very happy with but because nothing should take a year to arrive
Here's my reply
Your review could not be posted.

Thanks for submitting a customer review on Amazon. Your review could not be posted to the website in its current form. While we appreciate your time and comments, reviews must adhere to the following guidelines:

I guess you can only leave an honest reply if it's dishonest LMHO !!!

Closet Food.
You know that food you sometimes eat and most of the world thinks of as disgusting but you can't help it - you still love it from time to time?
Without ever admitting you eat it?
Oh come on, we all have one ( I hope I'm not the only one - or I'll be even more embarrassed admitting this than I already am )
Beefaroni is one of mine.
Don't judge - I can't help myself.
I love good food ...............but those others are like guilty pleasures - ( I'd call it comfort food but we never had it growing up - and I never bought it when my kids were growing up )

And this is how it happened.

Many years ago there was a scare with pet food and I promptly stopped buying any and all of it.
I've been cooking Soda's meals since the day I heard about it.
I usually make batches of meat - veggies - pasta or rice and some kind of gravy.
But her absolute favorite is spaghetti.
I feel like an idiot telling you this but it's true.
Anyway - we usually keep a couple of tins of beefaroni in the pantry for emergency food for her.
( how ridiculous - I know - really - just how ridiculous )
Once when John was away on business - and I had been working and skipped eating all day - Soda and I shared a tin of it as a snack.
Now it could have been because I was so starving that anything would have tasted like filet mignon - but there you have it.
I haven't had any in a couple of years - but there's a tin of it in the pantry.
Just in case.
Another guilty pleasure - which definitely comes from my childhood - and please don't vomit when I tell you bread and butter with home made fries in it - one slice folded in half.
My mouth is watering just talking about it.
When I first met John and told him about it he said " Oh that's a chip buddy - very English -  I love 'em "
Do you see how much we have in common?
And though I can eat Chateau Briand pour deux with the best of them - I still like shake and bake on pork chops !

Speaking about Chateau Briand pour deux.........................( because you know that's how my brain works - one word reminds me of yet another story )
Once when my Step Father was in town on business ( my Mom had moved to Toronto at the time )  I decided to treat him to a nice dinner.

I took him to a favorite restaurant of mine - and ordered the above meal.
I can remember wanting everything to be perfect - I don't know why actually - but I guess I was trying to impress him ?
Anyway we were sitting on an upper level - sort of like a cat walk - with diners sitting below us and a huge crystal chandelier hanging in the middle.
The meal arrived................ we both picked up our utensils - and I wasn't paying attention - chatting away like usual - and I still to this day don't know how it happened - but as I cut a piece of meat the balance flew off my plate, hit the chandelier and bounced down on to a patron's plate below us.
Smack in the middle of his plate - like he had been craving it and God sent it from up above.

I remember my very conservative Step Father in his suit and tie moaning - " oh my God "
And me begging him to just act natural - and no one would know it was my plate the meaty missile came from.

The man kept looking up and pointing and trying to tell the waiter that it just landed on his plate from somewhere " up there " - in Japanese and broken English - the waiter had no idea what he was talking about.
But I knew.  even not knowing a word of Japanese I knew exactly what that man was saying and I watched with a sinking heart as the waiter removed his plate to bring to the trash.
I glanced down every now and then as I nibbled on the rest of my food.
Like a lady.

Many many years ago, my Mother and I - along with my Grandmother - were out for the day - shopping - walking - laughing.
At one point we were chatting away and mid sentence noticed my Grandmother was no longer with us.
We turned around and saw she was half a block away.
You bastards - she screamed at us.
I have collapsed toes you know !
( This was Nanny Egan - and that's the way she talked - you can meet her here )
What exactly are collapsed toes?  My Mother asked her?
You're making that up - My Mother admonished her ( my Grandmother had quite the imagination )
There's no such thing - My Mother said.

YOU WAIT - my Grandmother warned.
It'll get you too - it's hereditary.

I'm happy to say my Mother's toes are fine.
It skipped a generation.
I have one toe that's separating itself from the others - it's either trying to get away from the ugliest foot on the planet or.........................
It's collapsing.
Thanks Nanny !!!

When my Mother was a little girl they used to tape her ears to her head.
Seriously - that was their form of cosmetic surgery  in the Great Depression.
It must have worked because her ears do not stick out in the slightest.
I'm going to start taping that toe to the others.
While I'm at it I may tape my eyes back up to where they're supposed to be.
You never know!

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend !
Hugs, kiss kiss


  1. I myself have walked into Canada by mistake. I am not lying. I'd much prefer to tell you that I once had a Chateau Briand land on me out of nowhere.

  2. I wasn't born during the great depression, but my mom did tape mine and my sisters ears to our heads too. With band aids!! I'm happy to report neither one of us has ears that stick out. ;-)

    1. Well that seals the deal - I'm going to start taping my face up ( and back ) every night now LOL

  3. Lol, I don't know where to start. I'm still laughing at the picture of your food flying off your plate and smack in the middle of someone else's. Oh me. Too funny.
    Guilty, let's see. I do love Chef Boyardee (sp?) ravioli. Haven't eaten it in years but would in a flash. Hot dogs. Cool Whip. Ok that's enough.
    Thanks for the laugh. Hope you have a wonderful weekend.

  4. Suzanne, you just made my day! One episode after another of your humorous experiences had me smiling to myself. I totally get the guilty food pleasure. . .mine has always been Italian salad dressing sopped up with bread. When I was a kid, my family thought it "funny". How wonderful to find that after all these years , that it is actually encouraged! In fine restaurants, it's pretty standard to have fresh bread served with a nice balsamic or olive oil. . .I know this doesn't seem so strange, but back in the 60's, I don't remember that being so common.

  5. Oh Suzan, you are such a SCREAM!! You really should be a stand-up comedian. :-D I've laughed here until tears are running down my face. Yes, we've been talking about the two escaped convicts here, too, even though we're pretty far south from NYC. My husband told me last night that now they've discovered food and candy bar wrappers and such in the woods very near the prison, and they (the authorities) think the prisoners have been camping out there? What??!! If I'd gone to all that work to escape, I wouldn't be hanging around, would you? Who does that? I told my husband they must be related to the prisoners in "Raising Arizona?" Have you ever seen that movie? So hilarious! When they escaped from prison, they told someone, "We released ourselves on our own recognizance. We felt the institution no longer had anything to offer us."

    So funny that you bombarded the diner below with part of your meal. I've never heard of collapsing toes, either, but I'll probably get them. I feel like a lot of parts are collapsing right now. ;)

    Thanks for the laughs, Suzan, and have a great weekend!


    Denise at Forest Manor

  6. **Laughing so hard, tears are running down my face** True story. I love reading your stories!!!!

  7. Please...and I repeat, please, don't ever stop writing your Friday Chats! I love them...seriously! I can just see the befuddled little Japanese man! And, guilty pleasures...mine is very similar to yours. I love Ravioli in the can. I hardly ever buy it but every now and! I have to not think about it while I'm eating it or I would never be able to swallow it. I have a thing agains mushy! I also can't buy Little Debbie cakes or Hershey Syrup and other such junky foods as I can't leave them alone. :) Anywho...let me know how the toe tape works out....I have a similar problem! LOL!

  8. You are just hilarious. I laughed at every story. Agatha Christie! She was a short story writer and you ARE an Agatha Cristie!

  9. OMG! It's a good thing I sit down with my legs crossed while reading this - this way I won't pee my pants! Freakin' hilarious - the flying steak, collapsed toes and a chip buddy. Unreal, I am crying teeheehee. xo Patty

  10. Hubby is an eater of Beefaroni, but I'm a potted meat eater. There. I admitted it. Actually, I haven't eaten it in quite awhile, but mainly because I can afford something a little better. Corned beef hash. HAHAHAHAHA ! Even though I ate potted meat, I didn't like reading the ingredients. That was gross. I also eat parisa, which most people won't touch with a ten foot pole. It's an Alsatian thing, because I live in an Alsatian town. Google it. I also put butter on my tuna sandwiches. Hubby thinks I'm nuts. I think it's because my dad always put butter on his bread, no matter what else was going on after it. But that's the only type sandwich I'll eat with butter. I like the taste of them together.

    Your poor grandmother. There is such a thing as foot collapse, so maybe that's what she meant. Can't believe she called y'all "bastards!" She musta been a HOOT !

    Although mom never taped my ears, she did not allow me to put hair behind my ears, claiming that's why other girls had ears that stuck out. Makes sense, but I don't think science agrees with that.

    Stay well !


  11. Honestly, you should write a book! Remember Erma Bomback, she was a real hoot as well! Forget the lotto, you could be a millionaire from your stories! Can't pick my fave because they are all gems!

  12. LOL - thanks so much Mary Anne - what a compliment - I LOVED Erma - I still remember reading If Life is a Bowl of Cherries what am I doing in the pits? I was a young teenager ! She was just the best !
    Have a wonderful weekend

  13. Another Friday chat has me in tears once again, I certainly hole they find those fugitives soon, I wouldn't want anything to happen to you. Who would write the Friday chat and keep me in stitches? Seriously hope they are caught and that all in your region are safe. It is a shame about the reward though, good chunk of change. My guilty pleasure of the non gourmet variety has to be Peeps, you know those delectable fluffy marshmallow creations that appear at Easter! I also love peanut butter on toasted bread with bacon, weird I know but super delicious. If this taping thing really works as well as you say I plan on taping my eyelids, they seem to be sagging, my double chin and my boobs! (I will super duct tape for those.)If you ever decide to write a book please let me know, I will buy copies for all my friends! I'm off now, I have to google collapsed toes!!!

  14. hahhhaa...better buy more tape 'cause you'll need it when titties start hanging to the waistline and your butt hangs out with the back of your funny

  15. I loved your comment about collapsing toes! Seriously, my husband has the weirdest toes on the planet. He can wave them, separate them and while we were watching television the other evening, he was putting up his big foot to annoy me so I couldn't see the tv screen! All of a sudden I noticed he could give the "finger" using his middle toe!!!! Perfectly!!! Try that one of for size. This man of my dreams belongs in Ripley's Believe it or Not!

    1. Ok - this is the funniest thing ever !!!
      I'm laughing my head off here !!!

  16. Ha Suzan I have had that same message from amazon when I gave a bad revue on a product. Why do they even bother asking us to revue the product?

  17. YES< tape that toe!!! I broke my right big toe years ago when I dropped a cast iron skillet on it...oh God the pain. Anyway they didn't do anything at the hospital so I taped it when I got home cause it was already starting to bend away from my foot! It worked!! It is perfect, EXCEPT itesn't beat's fine though with me. I hope to God those guys are no where near you. LOVED BJ's comment;):)

  18. LOL ~ the criminals better watch it!! I can not believe how this story is unfolding. I do hope they catch them.
    Interesting about Amazon!
    Keep us posted on the retirement plan. :-)) Good luck catching those bad guys.
    xx oo

  19. Another supremely entertaining Friday Chat! I laughed out loud while reading the Chateau Briand episode; also had to go and read about your grandmothers--two wildly different influences on your life. When my older sister was a baby, apparently her ears protruded a bit too much to suit my mother, so she kept a little baby cap on her to keep her ears against her head to take care of the problem. I'm happy to say that it worked--my beautiful sister now has perfectly laid-back ears! I do look forward to your Friday posts. They never fail to draw me in and keep me reading, wishing there was more when I get to the end. Love your humorous writing style! Let's see...only six more days to wait for the next installment of The Chat!

    1. I swear to you Ruth Anne - I'm going to start wrapping and taping my entire body every night - for a year LOL
      I'll let you know how it works out for me next June !
      Thanks so much for your kind words!
      Have a wonderful rest of the weekend

  20. are great at telling a funny story....I just laugh every time! I WISH my mom had taped my ears...oh well.
    I smile at your guilty pleasure that started out for your little dog...I too make my dog's food (Much like your recipe) and
    always keep a "little something" in the pantry just in case I don't feel like frying up turkey meat, etc... My dog also LOVES
    pasta! The Beefaroni is an excellent idea! He's you think he just deserves to have something really tasty from time to time? Why not? My guiltypleasure is Cap'n Crunch....about once a year I buy a box, at my age, I deserve something tasty from time to time!

    1. Thanks SO much !
      You made me laugh that you wished your Mom had taped your ears - maybe it's not too late ? I mean if I'm going to tape my toes and my eyes and my chin - you can tape your ears !
      Yes - he deserves something tasty - Soda's 16 and still gets excited over it :)
      And now you've made me want a box of Cap'n Crunch - or Honey Combs - one or the other will do !

  21. One word: Velvetta. Ok, two words: Grilled Cheese.


Due to a large amount of spam ( that I'm tired of going back to posts and deleting ) I'll be using comment moderation from now on !!!
Can I beat these spammers at their own game? Probably not - but I'm going
to try my damnedest !!!