Saturday, April 20, 2013

We say it best.......................

Here's the setting so you can feel like you're right in the room while this is happening ( but trust me, you do not want to be in the room while this is happening )

Setting: Scene 1 - take 1

Someone is on their way to view a table set -
They'll be here in oh say 1 hour - 1 hour and a half............

Just enough time to give the set a little tweaking here and there - and make her shine -
Just enough time for John to screw in the pedestal to the table top
Just enough time for all hell to break loose, ALL HELL................

Now when we bought the table the pedestal was not attached and the seller didn't know where he put the screws - no big deal - we have tons of screws................

Scene 2 - take 1

Suzan says - did you find screws that will fit?
John says - no - but I will
Suzan says - I asked you to check before I started working on this!
John says - don't panic - all I need to do is pick out 8 screws
Suzan says - ok - they're coming soon, do you think you could find them now ?
John jumps up and saluts - YES SUZAN - RIGHT AWAY SUZAN - I'll stop what I'm doing immediately ( please remember I asked him a long time ago )

Suzan says - PLEASE make sure the screws are not too long- the last thing we need with them on their way is for the screw to come through the surface....................

I'm sure most of you already know the outcome of the story - but humor me here folks - just humor me - you're the only thing that keeps me sane sometimes......................

Scene 3 - take 1

John says - I think an inch should do it
Suzan says- I think an inch is too long
John measures - John says - no there's lots of room
Suzan says - PLEASE be sure of this John - I wouldn't have time to fix it if they're not
John says - STOP WORRYING - an inch is fine
Suzan says - maybe 3/4 of an inch would be better
John says - I measured - it's fine
Suzan says - could you just check one more time because
John interrupts me ( abruptly ) ENOUGH - I'm not an idiot - I've measured - it's fine

I came into the office to do something or another -
John is just around the bend in the other room - screwing away

Scene 4 - take 1

John says - Oh no.....................
Suzan ignores him
John says - Oh God no
Suzan ignores him
John says - in a very calm voice I might add - The screws have come through to the surface
Suzan ignores him - because
Take 2   A) he has to be joking - he likes to joke like that
Take 3   B) I'm really terrified I might start attacking him with the screwdriver - in the general area of his head ( where the brain normally resides )
Take 4   C) I might collapse on the floor weeping uncontrollably.

Scene 5 - take 1

John says - Can you come here for a minute
Suzan says - I don't want to -
John says - Suzan this is serious.......................what are we going to do?
Suzan says - I don't know what WE'RE going to do John - looks like we're SCREWED................

I frantically fixed the error of his ways with 30 minutes to spare ( only 2 screws had come through and not all the way through - just the smallest part of the tip - nothing at all to fix it really - but still.................I had already spent a significant amount of time on this table ...............

Scene 6 - take 1

Suzan says - will you listen to me next time maybe?
John says nothing
Suzan says - I asked you again and again and again to please make sure
John says nothing
Suzan says - Well isn't that rich?  You're not talking to me now?
John says - It was an accident - I didn't do it on purpose you know..............
Suzan says nothing..............
Sometimes that's best - sometimes the best John says - Suzan says conversations are when we
don't respond to each other.
Trust me on that one, I don't think it's quite what Alison Krauss meant when she wrote the song
but really, every now and then, we say it best.......................
when we say nothing at all

Try your very best to


Sharing with!
I should be mopping the floor                   Homemaker on a dime                       Knick of Time


  1. As sweet as John appears to be, I still would have freaked out on him :) but you handled the situation marvelously! - Susan

    1. Strangely a sense of calm came over me ( the beginning of a nervous breakdown maybe ? )

  2. You certainly exercised an admirable amount of restraint Suzan. should get an award.

  3. I have to say the first time I heard that song, I cried and cried but not in a bad way. I was young, and it made me think of my dad who passed when my mom was still carrying me. I don't get emotional anymore when I hear it, but I still think of it.

    And now on to YOUR situation, I don't even know what to say, really. I'm glad you got it fixed and I hope the clients loved their table.

  4. Never ask a man to do something when you know he will SCREW it up! Your John and my John are certainly twins-separated only by time and distance. We put up plantation shutters. I said MAKE SURE THEY ARE LONG ENOUGH- I get the- DO I LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT reply. I don't answer. A few words fly back and forth. The plantation shutter whips merrily in the breeze because it DOES NOT reach the sill. I am going to frame the words I TOLD YOU SO and hang it up in his office.

    Now I will have THAT song running thru my head all day. xo Diana

  5. ps...that song always makes me cry,too....

  6. Hi Suzan,
    So happy to back home from my trip and seeing your funny posts!!!!!!!!

  7. Ok, the last post...the one with the toes? I didn't want to read it cause I didn't want to see that great black tinged pedicure again! I'm gonna save the photo tho, and show my daughter. When I die, if they do an open casket, that would look fab!

    This post was like walking in on my husband and myself playing out the scene. He's also a 'john' and I was also a hooker from Amsterdam!

  8. Gah! Men! What a nightmare. (Mine isn't allowed to play with the tools or screws at all. That's my job.) xx

  9. Oh No Suzan! Oh I would have wanted to strangle the man!! WHY will they NEVER learn to listen to our concerns??? Sigh - men are all alike that way - a few learn - most don't!

  10. I just went back and read meeting the parents - omg I'm crying I'm laughing so much. And the screw thing, you must be a wizard to be able to fix it that fast. I'll bet the silence was deafening! You make my life feel normal-er. Hubs did the same thing to me once attaching a beadboard back to a hutch I had just finished, Yup. missed the frame edge and drove the bloody screws through the back to the front. Not just once mind you, 3 times. I could hear him out in the garage cursing up a storm, I went out, looked at it, said the f word and went back in the house. Thank God you make me laugh at your stuff, cause there was no laughing here that day! Patty/BC. ps Your shit is too good to make up!

    1. LOL - it really didn't come through - you could feel it more than see it - anyways I sanded it down and filled it - and painted it - and waxed it - and they were late coming - Thank God -
      3 Times would have sent me right over the edge LMHO

  11. I just love you. I don't know how else to put it. Love, Love, Love. If I need an awesome laugh at someone else's expense, I come to Suzan's...And you provide MARVELOUSLY!! =D


  12. "Scene 5-take 2:
    Of course darling, I'll be right there" as I reach behind me for my trusty Louisville Slugger....
    Ah I'm always surprised when they are allowed to live. ;-)

  13. How is it that all of us women knew how that story was going to end, but John didn't. Men. They all seem to have that "special" quality ;-)

    1. AND he measured Betsy - how did I know without measuring that is was too long - and he didn't know even after measuring?
      Boggles the mind LOL

  14. Right there with you sister. Is it against the man code to do something when asked the first time?

    1. Probably Erin lol - like it's against the women code to not keep bugging until they do it LMHO

  15. Wow Suzan! You two are completely priceless. Priceless!! Oh, and I love that song.

  16. Oh my what a story. I don't think I could have been that calm! I'm glad it all turned out o.k. in the end.

  17. Oh Suzan you make me laugh! I always wonder how they'd survive without us! :)

  18. I saw Allison do that song when she was still relatively unknown and was the opening act for Willie Nelson. I was so blown away by it that I ran out and bought her album. When a man does anything that stupid, you have no choice but to refuse to talk. Anything you did say would be unforgivable! Did you check your blood pressure after? I'd hate to think of 'he said, she said' ending in a stoke! LOL

  19. Also went back to Meet The Parents - you need to write a book or a screen play or a sit com script - you're stories are too funny! I call these types of moments "Scenes from a Marriage" - you know, the ones where nobody else would understand that you really do love each other through all this nonsense.

    Love it!

  20. I'm pretty sure I want to stab John with the screw driver too. This one made me a nervous wreck so he's darn lucky it didn't wreck the top. YOU TOLD HIM!!!!


  21. Reading was like watching a sitcom, when you know exactly what's going to happen but you can't find it in yourself to stop watching because you want to know if you were right all along! Plus, bonus, for reminding me how much I love Alison and why did I stop listening to her? My weekend was everything but calm as I had to empty the kitchen and dining-room for a new renovation phase of the cottage!!!

  22. I enjoy your posts soooo much!
    I have a surprise for you:

    pls come over :)

  23. Ouch. I've made those mistakes before. That's why I removed all the sharp objects from our house :)

  24. When it really matters, micro manage. Glad the disaster was averted. At least we know you can MacGyver in a pinch.

  25. To Funny!! So, did they buy the table? Dee from My Painted Stuff

  26. Oh Suzan!! I felt panicky just reading this post! So are you and John still communicating silently with one another? lol I'm glad it ended okay...if quiet coexistence is considered okay. :-)


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