Glad you're here - come on in !
I took an IQ test last night because I was convinced I was a genius with my problem solving abilities.
CONVINCED.
43 questions later..............I received a 93.
Nothing more than average.
Now I will tell you that there was a couple of times over the years where I scored in the 120's. -
( I'm not bragging because that's not what geniuses do )
so depending what source you choose I was either mildly gifted or " superior "
And so I've been walking around a little taller all my life with that knowledge under my belt.
I'm blaming it on the house.
Really - it's making me stupid crazy.
My original plan was that John and I would both take the test - and then I would comfort him and explain to him that it was just a silly little test - that it didn't mean anything at all. ( in a mildly superior way of course )
Now?
I'm too terrified he'll score higher than me.
Not happening.
At least I was smart enough to do a test run before I sprung the idea on him.
And that alone should bring my IQ up by 20 points don't you think?
If YOU fall in the superior range - do NOT buy a fixer upper.
Just saying.
It'll crush you like a bug.
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I don't know if I've ever shared this before but the power of suggestion is extremely strong in me ( in most geniuses really I think )
If someone just talks about having a cold - I get a cold.
If someone hurts themselves in a particular area - it happens to me within days of hearing about it.
If my daughter's pregnant - my belly starts growing.
This happens too frequently to just write off as a coincidence.
My girlfriend's daughter had lice last winter.
So I was convinced I had lice - even though I was never in close proximity to her.
My head started itching like crazy - and at times I felt them WALKING around up there.
John checked my head.
Lindsay checked my head.
Ashley checked my head.
Gordie's girlfriend checked my head.
And they're all trying to tell me it's just dry scalp - that there isn't any lice up there.
Suzan says - Can you check my head again?
John says - YOU DON'T HAVE LICE FOR GOD'S SAKES
John says - You're borderline insane you know
And I always assumed that I was.
Borderline insane - because that's close to genius.
Now I know I'm just nuts..............how depressing.
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I stopped getting bikini waxes years ago.
They were torture for me - the Esthetician told me it was because I was fair - but whatever the reason was -
DEAR GOD it was torture.
I would lay there terrorized - clutching at the bed and counting to 10 before I'd let her attack.
I would bleed every time she ripped the paper off - and she was a savage about it - I must say - smiling away as she ripped hair follicles from deep inside my body - laughing out loud as I moaned in agony.
I think it would work as an interrogation tool perfectly - on " fair " criminals anyway.
So now I shave.
I put my bathing suit on yesterday and pranced outside to step into the pool.
I've gained weight this year. ( Ashley's pregnant as you know - see? )
In my belly.
So the Netherland's are not easily seen when I look down - and it's not easy holding your belly with one hand and haphazardly shaving down there with the other. ( and just admitting that I have to hold my belly flat makes me want to go vomit - so excuse me I'll be right back )
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Ok - I'm back.
So to my total horror - I could see - as I stepped out into the bright sunshine that I misjudged my bikini line when shaving.
Entirely.
O.M.G.
It was sprouting out everywhere.
I noticed a squirrel on the fence do a double take.
I whipped a towel around myself and ran back in the house - completely mortified.
Time to diet or make an appointment for a bikini wax - or at the very least get rid of the squirrels.
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Pluck
Shave
Cut
Style
Trim
Check for lice
Repeat..................
I know I talk a lot about it but I'M SICK TO DEATH OF HAIR............seriously sick to death of it
It diminishes the quality of life when half of it is spent concentrating on it.
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So.............what else is new?
Have you seen the Italian Grandmother's trying Olive Garden for the first time?
They should have went to Pasta Lover's instead....................( if you're visiting Manhattan it's a great place for inexpensive Italian food )
Don't you love the 2 that loved everything they tried?
If you want to splurge on an incredible Italian dining experience - Nocello's is my favorite ( on 55th - Hell's Kitchen ) pricey - but worth every penny !
Hopefully they're still there lol - we used to go to Manhattan monthly for our business - but I haven't been in over 3 years now.
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I'm still plugging away in the front porch - the goal is to have it finished by Sunday
One side is oh so close................( notice the new / old trunk ? )
The other?
Not so much
But today?
I plan to be in the pool for a good part of it !!!
( just as soon as I dehair myself properly )
Have a wonderful weekend everyone !
Hugs,
Me
Such a great looking trunk and such a wonderful item to use for storing items.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your cents of humor. :}
You have an enjoyable weekend as well.
I get sympathy pains too ~ I was moaning and shaking just reading your bikini wax description!
ReplyDeleteAnd us geniuses are all just a wee bit crazy ~ comes with the territory!
I think the higher my age number goes, the lower my IQ goes
ReplyDeleteOh Suzan, this is what God gave us Xanax for! :) Reeeelllaaaaxxxx at the pool! Fuggedabout the bikini wax and wear a tankini. :) OR go nude. The squirrels are just jealous that you can go in the pool without drowning. :) Now food... if you get a "hankerin'" for seafood, c'mon down to FL and go to Captain Eddie's in Venice, FL. Seafood to dive for. :) Now, strip and go splashing in the pool. You have a fence girlfriend! ~ Christina
ReplyDeleteROTFLMAO!!!! I luv reading your stories! You have a unique spin on everything! The poor squirrels!!! I hope they weren't traumatised! LOL Have fun in your pool!!!
ReplyDeleteI get sympathy hangovers. THAT's just not fair.
ReplyDeleteTina sent me here....Just so you know....we're going to do an intervention. You crack me up! LOL! I love you girl....now get an epilator.
ReplyDeleteHad to laugh at the bikini line story. My solution... a bathing suit with a skirt bottom.
ReplyDeleteAt least you have an excuse for the weight gain. Me, I'm blaming menopause. Not sure how long I can use that one but for now it works. Bleh.
ReplyDeleteI'm to scared to get a bikini wax, I'll just shave thank you! Ha.
The porch is looking good! Love the old new trunk. Pre-tty! Hope you get it all done soon but today, enjoy your pool!
Hugs,
Cecilia
Was feeling slightly down, just because I can, but now still laughing about hair-here and there and everywhere. Don't you think you could make this into an Erma Bombeckish chapter in your book, hint hint? Squirrel was just jealous. Time to pluck my upper lip hairs! Xxxxx
ReplyDeleteAlways fun to stop by for a good laugh!
ReplyDeleteOMG! You crack me up. I think Queenopearls was on to something.....just go nek-ed! HaHa!
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, I would do the same thing with the IQ test.....I would take it first, too. And, if I didn't do well, no one would ever know I took it. LOL!!
Oh Suzan you are so funny. It was a treat to read this post. Who cares about your hair line. Did you have a lot of people at your pool? Give them a show, after all it's your yard and pool and they shouldn't be so nosie.
ReplyDeleteHave a great weekend in the pool.
Mary
My mom's family is Italian, but the good old ones are gone. When I was very, very young, we would go to Nunnie's and Po Po's house. Everyone would gather. My dad isn't Italian, but he got by, probably by my mom translating for him. Anyway, everyone would gather at the table, and Nunnie would make the pasta and sauce and probably other stuff. They'd talk and carry on forever. After awhile, it would be time to eat again. I wish I was older to experience that. I have photos, and although they didn't have much money, they had each other and some really great times.
ReplyDeleteWe don't shave in my house. I'm the hairless wonder (except in my pits) and don't usually put on a bathing suit. Also, I think about putting beads on my chiny-chin-chin hairs, like Rosie O'Donnel. I've lived long enough to outlive my uterus, and losing my hormones makes me grow chin hair. I keep it, because it's like giving the world the finger. My wife is hairy, and we don't worry about it. Who are we trying to impress? We are of the belief that if men like hairless women, they might as well be pedophiles, because hairless women look like little girls.
What kind of business did you have that you were jetting off to? Katie has been to Manhattan, but I haven't.
OMG Suzan, Mr. Frugalista just stuck his head in my office door probably because he thought the old bird had finally lost it. LMAO in here! The squirrel doing a double take...crack me up. Those Italian ladies, especially the one in the pink shirt and the other one with the up do - hilarious! Great start to the day...my cheeks hurt now.
ReplyDeleteyou made me pee my pants with the squirrel doing the double take line. Shame on you!
ReplyDelete